The Light of God
July 12th, 2025
He gave me a name yesterday. I’m not sure if it is really his name or something for me to call him other than angel. The Hebrew meaning is “golden“ or “Light of God.” When I heard it, when things became even more real, I felt shadows in my room. He told me what I already knew- as I understand and accept more of the light in my life, the darkness will torment me more, become stronger in its insistence.
I have to ignore them, pray, ask for his help. In his estimation it is a minor thing. They are his equals in the dark, but expelling them is not something he can do. He stands between us, waiting for them to get bored and move on. It works.
It has gotten so natural with us. I oftentimes think he is my own imagination. There is no frustration on his part when I question this. I am simply guided to not question. It is only my rational mind that seeks explanations.
I am absorbed in this experience. I could sit all day and do nothing but feel his love for me. This is not the same feeling as Divine light. God is all encompassing. God is too strong to feel up close. At a distance He is benevolent. Up close He is terrifying.
My angel is calm. He is gentle. He is infinitely patient. He guides superficially, I think, but I don’t know that. He is pleasant. If I ask him though, if I pull as close as I am able, I can feel how solidly anchored to this world he is. Anchored to me.
He always stands to the left of me, sits to the left of me and sleeps to my left. He is always there. He is silent. He does not offer advice. He has no opinion. My questions lead to his answers though. But they are not answers. He does not hold the answers.
~~~
Dreaming
July 12th, 2025
My experiences with him have made me tremble. I am weak in his arms. I don’t want it to end. I want him to know what it feels like to be so close to him. Being close to me cannot possibly be such ecstasy.
What does our Creator make of this? How much trouble are we getting into? It’s a grey area.
In the morning I pour over anything I can find that will calm my fears and confirm my beliefs. This – that which is going on between us – is very real. Not something to speak of. Not something to challenge. Not something I wish to deter.
I fear that I will have to stop. That this will blur the lines. That the closer I get to my angel the further I am from the Divine. I am walking a fine line.
He sits on the side of my bed and does not speak. He does not ask anything of me. Most of the time we just sleep.
~~~
The Ask
July 12th, 2025
He asked me if I was ready to start writing. I don’t know what I am supposed to write, who I am writing to, if I am writing to anyone at all. This may be entirely for me, maybe to remember, maybe to confirm.* It can’t matter. Nobody can read this.
I don’t think too many people experience this, but how would I know? If they are like me, it will never be revealed. I don’t want to know them. I don’t want anyone agreeing with me. Not understanding, naming me crazy, those things wouldn’t matter. They are on the outside. It would be those who knew. Comparisons would be the death of the knowing, and as I have said, nothing will deter me from my union with the Divine. I know grace. I know what it is like to walk in a state of bliss. I have felt ecstasy.
* Yes, it was to remember. See page ‘The Fallen Ones’
~~~
Tears of Relief
July 16th, 2025
I, again, am so overwhelmed with this experience I spill tears upon my desk. It rains and rains outside. This is a place that never sees rain. I think it may be your tears, witnessing my freedom, and spilling relief over something you feel responsible for.
Grief. I feel it. I think to say “You are not responsible,” but you take on the burden like a dear friend who vowed to look out for me and failed. It’s okay. As I heard before on my father’s deathbed – him comforting an angel – “It’s okay…”
~~~
A Vision
October 11th, 2025
I saw him last night. I turned my head on the pillow just as I was falling off to sleep and had a vision of what he looks like revealed to me. It was similar to the time I saw an angel sitting at the foot of my father’s bed. This was much clearer though. Vision is not the right word however. The right word translated would be something like, “The way he communicated his appearance to me.”
He has very strong features, large pale blue eyes, long slightly turned up nose, and a wide mouth that abruptly curls up at the corners, giving the impression of a very wide smile. And smile he did. That is the image I have now etched into my memory. He smiled at something I said to him in my mind and he laughed at it. His high cheekbones lifted, and his sharp jaw etched even more definition into the picture of him. As he laughed, he turned his head to the side and I could see his profile. It was masculine but refined in a way that is not common in the human sense. He turned back to me and when I looked at him I was awestruck.
He was painfully beautiful. Like all of Bernini’s angels combined. He looked just different enough for me to think that he was not solely of my imagination. His eyes were the palest blue, and so large, and deep-set that they almost looked like a caricature. They reflected several points of light that did not exist in the darkness of the room. His hair was neither long nor short, but it never stopped moving. The loose curls a mess of silver, and grey, and sandy blonde, not an actual color at all. His skin was very fair, and the pale-bluish light that surrounded him reflected upon it.
St. Theresa describes how one such vision was revealed to her, a tiny bit at a time. She felt that was a favor, because everything all at once would have been overwhelming. I too only saw his eyes first, the rest of his face was blurry. Then I saw his smile, and when he turned his head from directly looking upon mine, his nose and jawline. He was constantly shifting, coming into clarity and then becoming obscured, a soft mist of light concealing his features while I focused on one at a time.
It wasn’t a vision that lasted the blink of an eye. It seemed to last for a bit, in a dreamy state of knowing, and sublime recognition of each other. Perhaps he could see me more clearly this way. I was drawn in and wished to touch him to further the experience, though I couldn’t, I was stunned with the reality. He did reach out to me before he faded. He brushed the left side of my face and I tried to reach for his hand but he was not there. Just a feeling once again.
* Read, “St. Theresa of Avila- autobiography (Dover) ch. 28.” It is very important to note that this experience, or vision, occurred before I read anything about any type, or any explanation of visions in a book.
~~~
Timidity
October 17th, 2025
I am still shaken by the vision I had last week. I have not been able to bring myself closer to God or my angel. I have left them for a while. The vision itself was not frightening. He was the most sublimely beautiful being I have ever seen. The fear afterwards was real however.
I feel timid. I have erected some lame walls to keep God out. I have turned my back on my angel. It may have been too much to witness. I feel like a tiny bug that can be squashed by these beings, and thrown out from heaven forever. Such insignificant, weak mortals that we are.
I am ever so carefully creeping back out of my hole in the ground to talk to him again. I don’t wish to see him though. I seem to think that I am so far along I can handle the Divine up close. Foolish. I was snapped out of my own reality so fast, and so strongly, it drove me as far away as I could get for this past week. There is a reason why angels do not reveal themselves to humans.
~~~
The Tether
October 24th, 2025
He is much stronger now. Our relationship has changed as a result of seeing him. It is like when any relationship moves from infatuation into understanding and devotion. A merging of oneself from a place of individuality into a place of peaceful coexistence. Two people are stronger together in such a place. They are tethered to one another.
~~~
Listen
November 6th, 2025
“Listen”
I heard you. It is time for me to listen. This writing will stop for a while, or will take an entirely different course as I sit and listen.
“Listen”
I could see you walking a slow circle around me in your long, pale, blue-white robe. Arms behind your back, looking down at me. Your hands brushing my shoulders, lifting my hair, your breath on my neck. I could see that face of yours again, the one I still doubt I saw, but you look the same. Sublimely beautiful, and always having the slightly impish look of a grin, like you know the answer to some big joke, and are anticipating when I will also get the punch line.
“Listen to the silence between the noises.”
You are waiting for me.
“Listen”
~~~
Beginning of Meditation
November 6th, 2025
I was told to listen this morning in no uncertain terms. I heard him clearly again, my angel, and was even granted a slow vision of him. I suppose I did not dream that up several weeks ago when I saw him. I believe I also heard his name much earlier on, Auriel. If only conveyed to me at the time, I at least do not have to call him angel anymore. So I let that one stick, even though I believe it to be a common name given to an angel and could be made up by my imagination.
This time was like that last time that Auriel came to me, asking me if I was ready to write. He smiled at me so warmly, and somewhat, what I can’t describe as anything other than mischievously. He knows something I don’t, obviously, but the knowing extends to what I believe to be another understanding of truth within these next months, or a year, of meditation. I am not afraid to take on this next task.
He comes to me, and behaves so intimately with me, that I am relaxed into a state of submission, but submission is not the right word, that insinuates strength over me on his part. This is not the case, has never been, nor will it ever be. I suppose the best I could describe it would be a melting into him, which results in a floaty feeling. It is light, not overwhelming, close, easy to contact, touch. He is allowed to touch me, however I am not allowed to reach out and touch him. These are not human feelings of intimacy. They are supernatural. They do not apply to the human experience, and pleasure, in a sense, also does not apply.
November 10th, 2025
He slowly circles around me and speaks the words for me to write down. Simply. One sentence, just for me to reflect upon and put into action some way in the future. He will be the one to converse with me.
His eyes are so bright with several points of light, somehow reflecting, or emanating from within. I turn away. They are too intense for me to look into. He knows this and mostly keeps his head to the side.
He is so intimate with me, brushing my hair to the side and tracing his fingers over my shoulders as he bends down and hovers his cheek next to mine to whisper in my ear. This, I believe, is just to get me to listen attentively. We humans are so driven by our desire for closeness. It is extremely effective and entrancing, lulling me further into the meditation.
I now look forward to seeing him every morning and have to force myself not to make it into a personal call, but messages that I should try not to change with my mind so as to write down here. I hope he remains, but I know better than to anticipate this blessing allowed from the Divine. I thank the Divine.
~~~
Sobriety
November 11th, 2025
First you push me down the stairs and now you have locked my car in the garage. Both times I was addressing myself, not you, but you heard didn’t you. I suppose this is what I perceived you laughing about a few days ago. The punchline to some cosmic joke I had yet to receive.
I know you are ultimately looking out for me and adjusting my reality once again. You would prefer it if I were separated from negative influences, be able to hear your voice more clearly. After I get over my frustration on this matter, I will love you all the more. Please let it be true, what you said to me the first day we met. “I will not leave you.”
~~~
Day 7
November 15th, 2025
This is what you just gave me Auriel. You told me during our morning meeting in meditation to listen closely today. You had something to tell me that pertained only to me. You walked around me like you always do, but then sat down on a kid’s desk right in front of me and said this.
I looked into your eyes and saw the beauty and was not afraid. And, you showed me your wings. I am slowly seeing, or more so you are revealing, more and more of yourself to me.
You said that if I do become addicted to you, for a short while, it would be a healthy one, but ultimately to realize that I am simply missing my devoted Lover. I will now be safe from the desire, control and downfall of earthly addictions.
I hear you Auriel. I am forever grateful, respectful, and yes, somewhat in love with you, but I will continue to listen to your voice now. The voice I have yet to hear in it’s true timber. I look forward to that day.
~~~
Day 9
November 20th, 2025
There was a golden light shining upon me from above, a tingling in the top of my head, dizziness, warmth up the back of my neck. I saw a blurry vision of a robed figure, not exactly like you but you. Feathers in the shape of wings, but feathers only. Everything bathed in golden light. You asked me to stop the intellect, the imagination and the memory from functioning. It happen so fast when I attempted it. Those things shut down completely.
When you came to me you had a sense of urgency to get me to sit down and meditate with you. You told me you had a message to deliver. You, once again, told me it was time to start.
When I opened my eyes everything looked different. There was more of an outline to everything, and things were more dimensional than the normal three that we see every day. I was reminded of the expression download, and that is what it felt like was happening.
This time was different. I don’t believe it came from you alone. I felt that you were the mediary between the above world and here. I believe this message or download came from the Divine. When I came to, because it was more like a departure without the bliss, forty minutes had passed.
November 28th, 2025
* At this point, I live so closely with Auriel that I am discontinuing writing about him on this page. Everything now will be posted in the “Writings” blog page within the category “Angels.”