You do not mend a broken heart. You leave it in pieces. You open it wider and wider and wider until you can fit the world in.
– Caroline Myss
Month: January 2026
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
– Isaiah 43:2
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
– Psalm 34:18
Anguish
My soul hurts.
I feel so beaten down by what I just went through. I cannot get the connection I need. I am despondent.
As I feel like a lost and lonely child, I think of Him as a father today, not a lover. I am so small.
I am in so much pain. I don’t know where my spirit will go if I am alone for good now. The depression is real.
I don’t know what I did. What was it exactly… I am given no direction.
So, like a child I will hide under the covers until the monsters are gone. Until He comes and soothes my aching heart. Prove to me His protection.
Father, I hurt so badly. Just give me one day, one moment, to know you are still here with me.
My Cross to Bear
It has now been two months to the day of when I last felt any type of sweetness in prayer in my life, and as I said, I am having to force myself to write here. I keep trying to simply live my life and be a good person, but that is all I am capable of right now. This could be because of the cross that was placed on my back at the same time. I now fully understand what that means.
When I think that God and my angel have faded into the background and left me alone, I have to reflect upon what has been given to me. For me to handle the insurmountable truth of what is going on now, can only be described, or explained as grace. I am able to support and overlook the outlandish behavior of bodily mutilation, that I can only assume offends Our Creator in the most extreme way. I am wrong about that. He would not encourage me if it were true. Once again, it is something I cannot explain, and I should not be trying to figure out.
But now I bear a cross. I was trying to figure out why meditating on The Passion was so important. Maybe to understand Christ’s sacrifice and faith, but it didn’t make sense to me. It also never made sense as to why the mystics and saints of old were adamant that the bearing of one’s own cross was necessary. The only reason I have come up with, is that I can only do one thing- ask for help. And it’s not even needing help, but a complete takeover of my problem that has me balanced on the precipice of total failure.
Turn it over. I was reminded of what that means. It is not an ask for support. It is not asking for a hand to hold, or to speak with His voice. It is asking for total detachment. An, “I cannot handle even one percent of this. I need You to take ALL of it.” A, “You give me my cross, and I will now carry it, but insulate me entirely from the emotional breakdown that this will cause me.” ” My soul cannot handle it just yet.” “I will fail.”
That is all I can do. I feel like I am drifting in a fog and will still ask for Divine consolations, and for my angel to speak to me. I can feel him standing behind me, as he seems to like to do. I can even feel a human warmth coming off him. He is not distant, but silent. I believe that as long he is there I have the strength to continue. Thank you Auriel.
The Con
This is the first time I have come to write and have no voice. It feels I have nothing to say. I know that is not true. Just like I know it is not true that God has left, or that my angel is not nearby. I have been conned by the best con-artist in history, and I have to give credit where credit is due… He is good.
I was tripped up seven weeks ago. It was as simple as someone yelling at me and my reacting poorly and without grace. Just a tiny crack in my foundation. It went on from there- a conversation, causing pain to another inadvertently, the holidays, and finally the lunch.
I crumbled. It got very dark. However, these things I can wrap my head around, but when he appeared as an angel of light, my angel, I knew something was wrong. Very, very, wrong. I kept saying to Auriel, “You are not behaving like yourself” as he continued to badger me with seduction and human intimacies. I knew something was wrong but I let it happen. I gave in for three days. Then things got even more surreal when I thought he had been taken from me for good as a punishment. I begged God to give him back. When he did, he was beaten badly and nearly dead, or so it appeared to me. Then I knew. The Creator would not do that to an angel.
So I woke up. I still feel dull. I have to force myself to write. The devil had hold of me for some time and I feel drained. Completely drained, and suspended in muddy water. I read somewhere that the only thing to do when in this state is resume prayer, which I have left behind for the same amount of time. I unfortunately, and unknowingly, prayed to the evil one himself on one occasion.
I look forward to the state of grace and any Divine consolations I may receive after this ordeal. I know they are not to be expected, but there is also a balance that needs to be restored. It has to. It’s the law of nature.
I will wait for You. Thank You for the sight, the knowing, and the strength to make it out of the hell that was delivered to me. I know You have not abandoned me. I know I still have my angel. He will most likely speak to me soon, as he did two weeks ago in the shower. “He wants you” At the time, I believed he meant You Lord. Now I can see I was wrong about that. He spoke of the fallen one.
What would you do, if it all came back to you…?
Step back from the line of fire.– Junip
He want’s you… That is what you told me.
I know…
I know…
What do You want from me…?
I give up.
The Lunch…