Writings

This morning you woke me up in your arms. Such a perfect welcoming to the day. There was no doubt that you were there as I slowly drifted halfway between being asleep and awake.

You wrapped yourself around me. I was rocked in your intimate embrace. Hovering somewhere close to your world yet remaining in mine. The only thing keeping me aware of my own was the softness of my bed and the breath of air still circulating from the fan.

You touched me, you held me tightly against your chest, hand splayed out against my breast. If I weren’t so focused on the sensations you aroused, I could have felt your breath upon my neck.

You held me close. I hadn’t felt this from you for a very long time. You grant it to me on a rare occasion, never the result of something I have done for you.

You held me close. Your focused energy on me was ecstasy. I cried out with desire. I didn’t ask for more. You. Me. The lifting up to unearthliness, and the diving down into earthly pleasure, enough. More than enough.

I will always want you. I will continue to need you. I will not doubt you anymore. My angel. My love.

I wonder if Auriel is making himself known to me as he was in the beginning. I’m sure he is. He stands to the left of me, behind me and does not speak or touch me. It is simply a sense. A very, very strong sense. Yes, like in the beginning. He smiles and I sense that as well, but no visions. I am glad for that. However, there is something I must explain.

I can see him in my minds eye. The best I can describe this is as if it were imaginary, fantasy, made up, but it is not something I think up beforehand. It is not something I consciously think up, which is what is required of an imaginary thought or image. It happens before I would have any time to conjure up something. The feelings that well up inside are also not made up. They cannot be. Even if one were to develop a strong imaginary relationship the feelings would not exist. It would be a flat, trumped up conversation, and a visual that  wouldn’t go beyond something akin to looking at a still image in photograph.

I failed by thinking of him too much. When I felt the Creator pull back, and I thought that He had left me alone, I was desperate for my angel and his consolations that are nothing the same as the ones from the Divine, but are none the less comforting. So I went too far. I think I can change up what I have defined as a chunk of time though, currently listed as February – April and select the bits and pieces of nonsense. Yes, I will go back and do that.

Auriel is with me today and I feel asking me to not ask him to leave. If I allow this, our relationship to resume, I will no longer allow conversational discourse. I have always known him to be real when he speaks to me with one or two words. Never more than three. The other knowing is the strong sense of his presence. He is so calming, and right now he is near my left shoulder, looking over it at what I am typing and laughing. He loves when I write about him, indeed, inspiring me to write at great lengths at times. He wants me to draw his portrait. Honestly, I don’t think I could do him justice so I don’t, though I probably will someday relent to his insistence and do it. Perhaps he want’s to see himself as I do, appearing differently to himself in my bedroom mirror.

Now that I am reading the life of Padre Pio I have a great deal more information on angels and how to interact with them. They are there to be noticed and having a relationship with them is a good thing. This relationship does not interfere with the one we have with the Creator. It may in fact enhance it. Part of my recent understanding of this is that they were created in Divinity. They are an extension of it. They are not born with sin and the forever temptations of the evil one. I don’t know, maybe they can be tempted. I don’t believe they easily fall though. They would not want to.

I am also interested if not only they deliver messages to us from God, but from us to Him. Another thing I am thinking, but it doesn’t seem like they would have to. However, it is becoming clear to me that they are. They also pray for us. Mine must be awfully busy because I still refuse to pray for myself. I only give thanks. This is not said out of some sort of martyr-like arrogance, but shame. I was an angry, nasty person when God made Himself known to me. He lifted me up to a place so high, out of this world, away from all of the untruths, and into an utter state of bliss. That is the closest word I can call it in the human tongue. I now believe He is pleased with me if only I try to rid myself of my despicable anger and untruths.

He made me suffer though. Another thing I am very unclear about. Did I fall? Did the evil one finally get to me? Did God simply allow this to see how far I would go, or did he create the scenario Himself? Did He cause the suffering for some reason. Was this His way of getting me back. He does not give me the answer on this. I do not ask. I do not ask Him anything anymore. I only speak to him when my mind is clear. With total reverence and respect.

Our relationship has come to this. I am delighted that I can hold my center with Him. I understand that the soul suffers now when living in a state of untruth. Any one of our souls. We are living in a world of suffering and I fear we will not recover. Unless the second coming is real and this entire world is reset by Him. Maybe that will be the case.

I drew the Mystic card today, the Angel first however. I had asked Auriel what today would be about. What I should reflect upon, and as I see it always, pulling the angel card, that is him revealing himself. It’s cute. He is smiling, snickering at me. So I asked him what he wanted to communicate with me today and I got the Mystic. That is how I knew I would be writing again today. About him of course. About recanting my story that I imagined him.

I know that I crossed a line into my own world in my head. This is also when I was drinking a lot. The main reason I want to stop is because of this. It is possibly the only reason- the evil one gets in when I am in a weakened state of inebriation. I believe this is the case for anyone. Yes, this is the only reason, so when I am still allowing it into my life without going overboard, God does not pull back too much.

I have not succeeded in remaining sober, but I also have not abused the drink. I pray every night, on my knees, at the foot of my bed. Now I know why people hang crucifixes over the head of their bed, so as to look upon The Savior while praying. I still do not recognize myself as a Christian, but by no means discount who He was. I still try to wrap my head around all that He was here for. Even being raised in the Catholic church I don’t understand that one. I never did.

I feel our Lord strongly in my life today. Not an overwhelming consolation, but the sweetness it is so pleasant to live with. I truly understand now why the saints asked Him for no consolations. Not that they are terrifying as much as pleasant, which they can be, but that in basking in that glow- it is so blissful, so fulfilling, so out of this earthly realm, completely, that honestly, one would never get anything done at all. And in becoming addicted to that condition, that overwhelming feeling, it would likely only result in any other addiction once it left. This has so far been the case for me.

In limiting the feelings of totally being in-love, we can live out our lives safely, able to rely on ourselves when we forget to rely on Him. It’s like a back-up plan. Maybe we can simply remain more steady, on solid ground. I had the inspiration the other day and wrote it down. “God listens to me because I listen to Him.” no explanation needed. Not a judgement. Just balance.

As I waited in the emergency vet hospital yesterday, for bad news, I felt Auriel sitting beside me. I did not ask him to come. He simply showed up. Immediately thinking that he was back as an imaginary being, I told him this. He reached out and touched my side. I can feel those intimate gestures.

He asked me to think about other times I imagined someone in my life, living next to me, that was not there. Did I feel them? Did they make me feel the peace and overall intoxicating grace he bestows upon me? Did they make me feel? No. They did not.

I feel him standing behind me again just at the back of my left shoulder. It is so hard to discern the fine line between the real and the made up. Ironically, the real in this case is the supernatural.

I know one thing. If I doubt him, I lose the feeling of closeness to the Divine. I feel alone, not without God, but without him, and this feels different. I live less in a state of wellbeing so to speak. Why then does it matter if he resides in my imagination or not? Why not continue?

I read today in Padre Pio’s biography that he would ask an angel to pray for Jesus in order to tell if they were Divine or coming from the devil. This goes along with Auriel saying to me that I would know if he was not himself, because I would not feel this state of grace, but rather a feeling of confusion and doubt. I would know.

Once again, I have had the experience and then I read about it later, from saints no less. This does not by any means represent myself. I will never be any type of saint. I don’t want to be. But the confirmations are really unreal. I cannot speak to anyone about this but I know. Deep down on the soul level I understand.

Padre Pio also had direct communications with his guardian angel and what I read today was about his demanding him for answers and the angel laughing. He kept on saying, “You’re laughing!” Now that was a crazy little thing. Auriel laughs all of the time, the impish smile on his face. He even laughs when I speak about his laughter! I believe that this is a way to tell me that living with God is not to be feared. It can also be lighthearted and not so serious as I make it out to be. Granted, I did start all of this on a very dark note.

I am tentatively reaching out to him. I love him after all, and I still feel the love for me radiating off him. Why not enjoy this? Am I being given a gift from God? If so, I should not squander it. That would be most disrespectful indeed.