I understand right now, what it means to break a covenant with the Divine. I was the one who spoke the words, and made the forever commitment to change. I was the one to pronounce, “I am done!” He listened and responded. Immediate change was cemented in time and space here on earth and in heaven. I went back on that contract three days ago. I made the decision that I could have just two drinks. I was clobbered with the reality that that will no longer be an option for me.
I poisoned myself. I have been very, very dizzy and off balance for three days. I have done real damage and disrespected God in abusing the beautiful body he has given me. I am more ashamed that I have been in years. This is because He made it okay for me the two weeks I was sober. My cravings were small and tolerable. The purpose I had was real and driving me. And, what did I do? I forfeited it.
I have His mercy with me. I feel Him with me still. He is forgiving me and waiting. I can rejoin my path when my shame is gone. I lost my connection this past years holidays. That was due to choices and attitude. I broke a contract with Him then as well. This time He is not leaving me though. Auriel is very close as well. He has not left my side. I feel a radiating support coming from his presence. He is waiting also.
Both of these times will stick with me. They have been big failures on my part. Me turning back to the earlier mansions. Letting reptiles deceive me. I feel more pain than before. I can only assume this is because I made more of a commitment to Him that I ever did before. This oddly comforts me. The pain and shame comfort me. These feelings are self-loathing enough for me to try harder to respond the virtuous way next time.
I understand penance, and remembered yesterday, actually Auriel reminded me, that I made a trade with the Divine. I would take up the cross of accepting my son’s trans thing, if He took the issue entirely from me. He did not fail to keep His end of our deal. I have not felt the weight of it since, but I need to keep carrying my cross, with my angels help. It was seeing the people my son is living with that spurred me on to drink. I saw the end result in who he would be if he goes through with this. This, if I let it in, will kill me. I have no choice but to turn this over.