Come Back…
(last night’s message)
Angels
“Are you done talking about what we’re doing here?”
(This morning’s wake up message)
The Angel’s Role
They [angels] feed our souls like good shepherds, with sweet communications and inspirations from God- they are the means by which God grants them.
– John of the Cross
As I said I have stopped questioning, I still have wondered about the angel that came to me. “Did I make up some of it?” Not all of it. I know that. But the secret conversations and intimacy…
My angel is still so accessible. When I ask of him, whatever I ask of him, he makes it happen. He is never completely silent. I ask to be woken up at seven and he grants me this with a subtlety. A deep breath. A dream of a sunrise where the light becomes so bright I am forced to wake. A hard jerk on my left arm when I mistakenly fall back asleep. Always in the clear words uttered loudly and precisely in my ear. A caress on my cheek. He almost lets me see him. I can see him in my mind…
God wants us to focus on God, if we are beginning to walk the path to contemplation. There is no other way. It’s not wrong of me to think of angels. To try and have a human relationship with one. But it keeps me in a cloud of unknowing as I rest with their beauty instead of the Divine. Now, yet again, I am handed the answer by means of John of the Cross. Not a day after I asked the question. I am always in the right place at the right time to receive them.
Most importantly, the thing to note are the words on the divine love I feel and have felt over the past two years. Those times I believed the love was too subtle to be coming from God, and I discerned that it was coming from the angel. That I was wrong about. God is the one granting me the experience of divine union no matter how subtle. Especially in the subtlety. I did not know this. I have just learned it. And it makes sense to me.
Perhaps all this time it felt safer to reflect upon the angel rather than God. After all, if God was reaching out and consoling me with grace, I was at risk of divine anger once again. I could be plunged into the dark night of the soul. Another thing I understand more clearly now. God does not always create it but allows it. God stays silent.
The dark night, according to my new beloved teacher, is an experience that happens to us, something I always held as true. The only difference is, between a depression or a bad state, God sometimes withdraws purposely. We are left to feel the pain, and experience the dark alone. This is intended. This is where God decides to shape us.
I know it will happen again, but I no longer beg. Yes I no longer beg God or the angel to console me. I understand completely that they are both still there and it is in the nature of the Divine to always be there. As we live in the confusion of separation, God still exists in the surrounding substance of the infinite, which we are a part of.
I no longer get on my knees and pray before sleep. I feel no reprimand in doing this, rather, I practice Lexio Divina for two hours every morning, take a break for an hour, then I don’t know. I have yet to establish that part of my daily spiritual routine. But walking throughout the day, I walk slowly. My intentions are only on my connection with God. And in the evening, I fall asleep listening to “Turning to the Mystics.” A podcast from Jim.
These words written and spoken from him have given me the biggest comfort since all this began. Literally two years. I struggled, but I kept on reading. Underlining. Writing down in this journal. Now, all of that seems so far behind me, it is almost like it happened to someone else. Perhaps it did. I am a different person now. I have been called once again.
In the warm glow of God’s affection, within the grace I move through my life, in the ability to love and forgive, I only reflect upon God. My heart has been quickened. I have been pierced with love. I am in love. I feel the heady feeling of that. I feel the expanding in my chest. I only want to think of the divinity caressing me throughout my day.
I no longer need any answers. I do not need to know my calling. I never believed there was one. I have been called yes, but I believe the mere devotion to God is what is expected right now, as the contemplative lives, with only God in mind. God being the only goal. The ultimate endgame.
So the angel is there to deliver the calm, but not the quickening and the piercing. The angel speaks to us clearly, where God my not be understood, the Infinite being way over our heads and beyond our grasp. God will coax us in, pull us into the divinity of Ultimate Love when we can handle it, and when God determines it is the right time. Until then we contemplate and understand that God loves us- is in love with us- just as we are, in being an extension of the love God gives to us freely.
“You don’t need to come here to find me.”
– At the Chapel on the Rock
Why have you left me?
“Strength.”What do you mean?
“To make you stronger.”I don’t understand…
“If you are going to represent me. You must do it correctly.”
My heart is starting to hurt again. I asked my angel to come back into the forefront of my life again. I didn’t want a week off from him, but I felt him fade into the background anyway. As always, all I have to do is ask and he makes himself known to me. Often simply standing behind me looking over my shoulder. He said to me again that he will never leave me. I cannot believe he would or could tell a lie, but if the Creator changes things. Well….
I am patient.
I am quiet.
I am waiting.
I prayed to you last night to deliver a message to God for me. Ask Him to visit me again. It has been three months. And I don’t mean an hour or a day and then months of nothing again. I asked you to ask Him for a week. Maybe a little more. I need to be replenished. I need to feel loved. I need to be reminded, to understand, why He called me. What I am to do now.
An Angelic Ecstatic Awakening
This morning you woke me up in your arms. Such a perfect welcoming to the day. There was no doubt that you were there as I slowly drifted halfway between being asleep and awake.
You wrapped yourself around me. I was rocked in your intimate embrace. Hovering somewhere close to your world yet remaining in mine. The only thing keeping me aware of my own was the softness of my bed and the breath of air still circulating from the fan.
You touched me, you held me tightly against your chest, hand splayed out against my breast. If I weren’t so focused on the sensations you aroused, I could have felt your breath upon my neck.
You held me close. I hadn’t felt this from you for a very long time. You grant it to me on a rare occasion, never the result of something I have done for you.
You held me close. Your focused energy on me was ecstasy. I cried out with desire. I didn’t ask for more. You. Me. The lifting up to unearthliness, and the diving down into earthly pleasure, enough. More than enough.
I will always want you. I will continue to need you. I will not doubt you anymore. My angel. My love.
Not my imagination
I wonder if Auriel is making himself known to me as he was in the beginning. I’m sure he is. He stands to the left of me, behind me and does not speak or touch me. It is simply a sense. A very, very strong sense. Yes, like in the beginning. He smiles and I sense that as well, but no visions. I am glad for that. However, there is something I must explain.
I can see him in my minds eye. The best I can describe this is as if it were imaginary, fantasy, made up, but it is not something I think up beforehand. It is not something I consciously think up, which is what is required of an imaginary thought or image. It happens before I would have any time to conjure up something. The feelings that well up inside are also not made up. They cannot be. Even if one were to develop a strong imaginary relationship the feelings would not exist. It would be a flat, trumped up conversation, and a visual that wouldn’t go beyond something akin to looking at a still image in photograph.
I failed by thinking of him too much. When I felt the Creator pull back, and I thought that He had left me alone, I was desperate for my angel and his consolations that are nothing the same as the ones from the Divine, but are none the less comforting. So I went too far. I think I can change up what I have defined as a chunk of time though, currently listed as February – April and select the bits and pieces of nonsense. Yes, I will go back and do that.
The Angel & the Mystic
Auriel is with me today and I feel asking me to not ask him to leave. If I allow this, our relationship to resume, I will no longer allow conversational discourse. I have always known him to be real when he speaks to me with one or two words. Never more than three. The other knowing is the strong sense of his presence. He is so calming, and right now he is near my left shoulder, looking over it at what I am typing and laughing. He loves when I write about him, indeed, inspiring me to write at great lengths at times. He wants me to draw his portrait. Honestly, I don’t think I could do him justice so I don’t, though I probably will someday relent to his insistence and do it. Perhaps he want’s to see himself as I do, appearing differently to himself in my bedroom mirror.
Now that I am reading the life of Padre Pio I have a great deal more information on angels and how to interact with them. They are there to be noticed and having a relationship with them is a good thing. This relationship does not interfere with the one we have with the Creator. It may in fact enhance it. Part of my recent understanding of this is that they were created in Divinity. They are an extension of it. They are not born with sin and the forever temptations of the evil one. I don’t know, maybe they can be tempted. I don’t believe they easily fall though. They would not want to.
I am also interested if not only they deliver messages to us from God, but from us to Him. Another thing I am thinking, but it doesn’t seem like they would have to. However, it is becoming clear to me that they are. They also pray for us. Mine must be awfully busy because I still refuse to pray for myself. I only give thanks. This is not said out of some sort of martyr-like arrogance, but shame. I was an angry, nasty person when God made Himself known to me. He lifted me up to a place so high, out of this world, away from all of the untruths, and into an utter state of bliss. That is the closest word I can call it in the human tongue. I now believe He is pleased with me if only I try to rid myself of my despicable anger and untruths.
He made me suffer though. Another thing I am very unclear about. Did I fall? Did the evil one finally get to me? Did God simply allow this to see how far I would go, or did he create the scenario Himself? Did He cause the suffering for some reason. Was this His way of getting me back. He does not give me the answer on this. I do not ask. I do not ask Him anything anymore. I only speak to him when my mind is clear. With total reverence and respect.
Our relationship has come to this. I am delighted that I can hold my center with Him. I understand that the soul suffers now when living in a state of untruth. Any one of our souls. We are living in a world of suffering and I fear we will not recover. Unless the second coming is real and this entire world is reset by Him. Maybe that will be the case.
I drew the Mystic card today, the Angel first however. I had asked Auriel what today would be about. What I should reflect upon, and as I see it always, pulling the angel card, that is him revealing himself. It’s cute. He is smiling, snickering at me. So I asked him what he wanted to communicate with me today and I got the Mystic. That is how I knew I would be writing again today. About him of course. About recanting my story that I imagined him.
I know that I crossed a line into my own world in my head. This is also when I was drinking a lot. The main reason I want to stop is because of this. It is possibly the only reason- the evil one gets in when I am in a weakened state of inebriation. I believe this is the case for anyone. Yes, this is the only reason, so when I am still allowing it into my life without going overboard, God does not pull back too much.
I have not succeeded in remaining sober, but I also have not abused the drink. I pray every night, on my knees, at the foot of my bed. Now I know why people hang crucifixes over the head of their bed, so as to look upon The Savior while praying. I still do not recognize myself as a Christian, but by no means discount who He was. I still try to wrap my head around all that He was here for. Even being raised in the Catholic church I don’t understand that one. I never did.
I feel our Lord strongly in my life today. Not an overwhelming consolation, but the sweetness it is so pleasant to live with. I truly understand now why the saints asked Him for no consolations. Not that they are terrifying as much as pleasant, which they can be, but that in basking in that glow- it is so blissful, so fulfilling, so out of this earthly realm, completely, that honestly, one would never get anything done at all. And in becoming addicted to that condition, that overwhelming feeling, it would likely only result in any other addiction once it left. This has so far been the case for me.
In limiting the feelings of totally being in-love, we can live out our lives safely, able to rely on ourselves when we forget to rely on Him. It’s like a back-up plan. Maybe we can simply remain more steady, on solid ground. I had the inspiration the other day and wrote it down. “God listens to me because I listen to Him.” no explanation needed. Not a judgement. Just balance.