January, 2020 – January, 2024
My experience was not pleasant. I was terrified, and lost, and the pressure upon my shoulders crushed me. I didn’t see anything. Could not really talk to anyone. They were a thousand miles away standing right next to me.
I didn’t try to understand, but what I had chasing me almost killed me. No matter what I did, it kept trying to kill me. I crawled my way out from beneath what I could only describe as evil and ran as fast as I could, as far as I could… I was rewarded with a blankness that I welcomed, for at least not being in such torment anymore.
I was broken, destroyed. The word I could best use to describe my being was destroyed. I laid on the ground, would not go out, would not move if I could. But, somehow, peace slowly seeped in and invaded my brokenness. I felt absorbed into a state of bliss.
I was alone and I enjoyed it. I could swallow, and sit, and look, and let it be known that I was still, in fact, very much alive. Not well, but alive.
The sweet bliss stayed. I existed for months in a state of pure grace, and I recognized that my Creator had been the one behind it all. Why my suffering? Why my sickness? Why my nastiness? I can’t fathom why it was done, but I feel safe once again. After so much time, I can accept, I can trust, and I can feel safe within His embrace that I now feel every day.
(4 years of The Dark Night of the Soul)