The Dark Night of the soul

I realize now I may have been wrong. According to the mystics who have come before, I am not even on the path yet, or so much of a beginner I don’t know what I am even talking about. But why then do I personally know exactly what has been written of the experiences of those further along. Why do I know it without having read about it before. Why do I know things that would not be a part of the early stages alone. Witnessing an angel having a conversation with one on the verge of death. Knowing what’s on the other side of the veil. Having a guide. Feeling and hearing my own angel. Knowing the Divine morning, day and night for a consecutive seven months.

I don’t know what this is, but I must defer to what they know, which is so much more than me. It is important to me though to write down these times I’ve had with the Divine. My own life has been effected immensely by them. Maybe it is a simple push and pull, favors and aridities granted in a very delicate form at best, but that does not matter to me. I never asked for this in the first place and I am grateful to the degree of now offering myself to God completely because of it.

Just one year ago I was in a state of something so dark that I begged the devil to take me. I actually begged for death to alleviate my suffering. I had started to believe in God once again, but I then believed that He and the devil were playing a game of chess with my soul. That is when I got angry at Him and just totally gave up and begged for the evil death for relief.

I have a timeline now within my head and can see clearly how things went, but it does not matter. There is no explanation and there needn’t be. I am here now, and I hopefully will not have to suffer that again, for I have said to myself and to others that I will not be able to survive it.

I have felt in love and alone, in love and alone for the past month now and today it has been exactly one year since I picked up the book The Dark Night of the Soul and felt it was a textbook explanation for me to absorb. Now, today, I am reading it again and can see that those were never my experiences, they could not have been because I was not on the path to God. I was not praying, not living the life of someone devoted to Him. I did not do penance or reflect on my sins. I merely existed in a state of terror and disconnectedness to everyone and everything around me. I had seen too much. I had experienced to much. However I didn’t reach out. I still did not believe.

So, my question now is can a soul go through the Dark Night without knowing God? Can that come first before the belief. I knew He existed, I was raised Catholic, I just didn’t believe he was present anymore. For whatever reason, He was just not there.

I thought today would be enjoyable to reread and reflect on what has happened, but to see that I have not even yet begun, only enjoyed the tiny consolations that God has granted me, is disappointing. Not because I want to be further along, but because if I follow the translation of Miribar Starr my experiences did not happen.

I am sad today. I didn’t expect that. I read and I understand. What I thought was happening was not. Yes, the small consolations were given freely, but that is all they were. Now, in saying that, I am offending Him greatly. According to Theresa of Avila, anyone who has been held by the Divine in a state of grace should do nothing less than supplicate and praise Him. Perhaps I need to discern which sacred texts apply to me, but they do not contradict each other. I just no longer know. The best I can do is remain patient. Reflect on how terrible of a human I was and most likely still am, and pray for His forgiveness to become a better one.

I have come to realize that most of the things I have to say out loud are extremely negative, sometimes hostile, and overall judgmental. I can stop, but it’s hard. This must be what people call not having a filter. Could it be that I never had one? No, when I was younger I was downright shy. Painfully shy. When I was older I was considered mysterious, which only made the shyness worse because people wouldn’t leave me alone for trying to figure me out.

These things have gotten me started thinking on my overall development as a human being. How I was taken out of Catholic school and placed in a minor hell where everyone judged me and picked on me and robbed me of my self-esteem. I was totally lost, and because I was teased for merely believing in God, I pushed Him aside. Perhaps He was heartbroken, because it took me ten years to turn back to Him. This time also in a great trauma.

When I think about the number of times when I loved Him, when I was solely devoted to living under the rule of the Divine, there were not that many. As a child I was raised Catholic, and let me just say that does not ever leave you, but I was living a peaceful and meaningful existence. I did not like the church however, and the priests and nuns did not like me. I asked too many questions, and although I am sure I was not the first, I was the most persistent. Most of the others, they just followed. No questions asked.

What was it for me then that has led to this now? I was not by any means a part of the common world either. I existed somewhere in-between. A misfit. I was aware of those things that lived behind the veil, and communicated to them on occasion. I was not afraid of the existence of this other life, this other plane, I just felt separated. This makes sense to me now. I can understand why I am back here. Perhaps I have always been here. I wish I never left.

There is a common denominator. When I fell, for lack of a better word, it was a choice. The others, being so cruel to me, I decided to punish on my own terms. I found the darkest and scariest way to manipulate them into fearing me and leaving me alone for good. It worked. It worked too good. I fell. I was taken over by darkness. I was tempted. I succumbed to things that would try to kill me and nearly did.

Then He was there. Pulling me back from it all. I turned away again, turned back, turned away, turned back. Each and every time, I have to say, I have not, what you would say grown stronger at the soul level, instead I came to hate humanity all the more, each time. I never thought of these things as choices, but people f*c%ing me over. I couldn’t believe I had ever deserved such things and I still do not. The only thing I can think of as my own choice is to not remember God, his grace, and to simply follow my own ideas, which I know very well now only lead to the devil himself. This does explain that when I have felt “the devil on my back,” I have. Absolutely.

This past time, from 2020-2024, was by far the worst. I not only came close to death but to madness which is way more scary. Your mind turning against you. What could be worse? You can be alive but under the control of others during a lost and confusing state that may or may not continue to exist. It is the worst thing imaginable.

I will not leave Him again, whether out of fear or love, I am done with the cycle. I am too old for that now. It has taken me too long to get here, and I have also wasted too much time.

It is raining again. A thunderstorm to be exact. As I have said, it never rains here. I know He is listening. I know my angel is about to be in tears, he loves me after all. However, this time he will be shedding tears of solace, and gratitude, and perhaps a feeling of peace in himself for succeeding one more time in his job of helping me to know our Creator, personally, spiritually, lovingly and strongly.