I am discontinuing this blog.
I actually consulted the Tarot this morning as to what is happening, why, and what I should do. (Read Biddy.) It tells me directly to let go. You have had a break-up and are heartbroken. You are stuck. You need to move on…
I can tell you today it feels like that. It feels like my boyfriend broke-up with me and has left. I have repeatedly called and left messages, but now it is getting embarrassing. I am making a fool out of myself. That’s what would be happening in the human experience.
And this feels exactly like it. EXACTLY. As I wrote in the beginning that it feels like being in love.
I am now heartbroken. My soul is not hurting or crying out like I have lost my father figure. The one who was protecting me. No, this is the loss of a lover. He has moved on to someone else. It hurts up higher, in my chest. My heart is broken. That’s what this is.
I have to endure this. Allow myself to work through it. There is no sense in drinking myself into oblivion, or spending thousands shopping. I know what this is, and I am old enough to know the quicker I go through the letting go, the quicker I will encounter the transformation that is being dealt to me. Not being asked by God. This is simply the result of a falling out. I have been left. Discarded. I am not worried about offending Him by thinking this way. He does not care right now.
It hurts to write His name or even refer to Him. Every time I have to capitalize that “H”. I cry like a woman who has lost her lover. I have written that already, but it cannot be stressed enough.
They have both left. I do not feel Auriel either, but it hurts much, much less to feel that. I can write his name without crying. And I do cry over this. They are human tears. They come from the heart and not the soul. It feels like it is simple. I don’t like it any better though. I almost like the soul’s pain more than this.
Faith is not involved. I don’t feel as if I lost it, but I also do not feel it.
Today I sincerely feel that He will not come back. I do not have hope that I am wrong about that. This is a knowing. Like He has given me before. I do not feel confused as to what to do. I will simply move on with my life. Alone.