What is the difference between connecting with the Divine and connecting with my angel? I should write about this. I will need to remember it some day. I hope I don’t.
My first encounter with my angel was straightforward. It was as if… when you’re in a natural state, and your eyes are closed, you can still feel if a person were to walk up and stand behind you. Like when you wake up in the morning, and before you open your eyes you know the person who fell asleep next to you is still there. It was tranquil. It was light. It was an understanding, but the feeling of peace was separate from me. There was a dividing line. Even though I could almost feel his breath on my neck, the air was mine itself, and his for himself.
Things are quite different with the Divine. I said before that it was frightening. It still can be, but I am starting to grasp what the relationship is. I don’t feel like He is always watching, even though I am told He is. He feels distant until He doesn’t. It’s odd, it seems as though He sits back and allows His angel to handle things until the moment that I am supposed to understand. It feels random. I don’t understand.
When He decides to step into my world, I feel heady, numb, cloudy and confused. We are completely blended, overlapping to where I cannot find any edges at all. I feel very strongly in love. At that time, I can offer myself up to do anything for Him. I would gladly die for Him, but that is just to keep the feeling. I know I am not anywhere near the sort of faith that statement requires. The feeling is so sublime though it’s addictive. I believe anyone would do anything to experience it.
It is important to make this one distinction though, the real difference between angels and the Divine, how I know what I am writing to be true. When my angel decides, or may be told to leave my side for a while, I simply feel him retreat into the background. What I need to convey, is that if I choose to address him, if I ask anything of him, although he may or may not answer me at that time, he is available. He is still near.
However, when God retreats, I am left in so much pain, and worry, and self-doubt that I feel madness inside. I have to console myself with reading what others have told me, 15th century monks and nuns who have logged their knowledge on the subject. I try to be strong, but I end up begging my angel to comfort me and tell me everything is alright. He reassures me. Again, close by, the difference between the two.
I may be completely off about this. This might be all in my imagination, but I have to write it down. Maybe some day it will all make sense to me. For now, I at least know what to do. I ask my angel for help, for practical things. I ask forgiveness of God. I thank my angel for being there. I supplicate before the Divine for even turning His eye upon me.