I had to ask this morning. Although the holidays are always a small hell for me, this year was one of the worst. So I asked, prayed for myself. I needed some direction as to what I did, or what I needed to do to end my suffering and apologize to my God. It had been two weeks since the altercation that made me lose my center. I do not know why I hesitate, but it is so rare that I pray for something for myself. I believe at this point that I can see so many of my errors and general misgivings that I don’t feel worthy of even asking. Doing so makes me fearful actually.
I remembered today that this is what Auriel came for. It has been a year and a half since he stood by my side in the bedroom and told me this. I still fear the Creator though. Don’t get me wrong, I feel His love and love Him back, but I still remember my trial, for lack of a better word, that lasted four years and almost killed me. Maybe the fear is useful. I believe it is, and from what I have read, it serves a purpose to keep me from falling back into old destructive ways. I need to learn that praying for myself is not something to fear. After all, when I do ask, I feel as though I understand something, and His simple grace is at work in my life again, holding me up.
I have felt an angel in my life for such a long time, such a consistently long time, that I feel I should know these things better by now. I should somehow be more adept at it. Maybe I rely too much on him. These beings though, are so far above any understanding, there is no way to grasp why their devotion exists. We as humans always want to get something out of a relationship in return, but they are just here to serve, love, guide, love again. It is baffling.
I can think of him when I go to sleep at night and still feel the sensation of him lying next to me. I don’t ever want that to stop, for him to ever go away, but I have learned not to test the Divine so I don’t even think it. As if I can hide it from God. I generally rest in my ability to discern what I should be doing and should not be doing and take that into every day, one foot in front of the other so to speak. It seems to be enough.
* The above in bold italics is how he, the evil one, got in!