He wanted it gone. The chapter on “evil does exist.” Of course he did.
The Fallen One
Temptation 1
It is ridiculous for you to think you can write a book about God. What are you thinking?
– the fallen one
The Con
This is the first time I have come to write and have no voice. It feels I have nothing to say. I know that is not true. Just like I know it is not true that God has left, or that my angel is not nearby. I have been conned by the best con-artist in history, and I have to give credit where credit is due… He is good.
I was tripped up seven weeks ago. It was as simple as someone yelling at me and my reacting poorly and without grace. Just a tiny crack in my foundation. It went on from there- a conversation, causing pain to another inadvertently, the holidays, and finally the lunch.
I crumbled. It got very dark. However, these things I can wrap my head around, but when he appeared as an angel of light, my angel, I knew something was wrong. Very, very, wrong. I kept saying to Auriel, “You are not behaving like yourself” as he continued to badger me with seduction and human intimacies. I knew something was wrong but I let it happen. I gave in for three days. Then things got even more surreal when I thought he had been taken from me for good as a punishment. I begged God to give him back. When he did, he was beaten badly and nearly dead, or so it appeared to me. Then I knew. The Creator would not do that to an angel.
So I woke up. I still feel dull. I have to force myself to write. The devil had hold of me for some time and I feel drained. Completely drained, and suspended in muddy water. I read somewhere that the only thing to do when in this state is resume prayer, which I have left behind for the same amount of time. I unfortunately, and unknowingly, prayed to the evil one himself on one occasion.
I look forward to the state of grace and any Divine consolations I may receive after this ordeal. I know they are not to be expected, but there is also a balance that needs to be restored. It has to. It’s the law of nature.
I will wait for You. Thank You for the sight, the knowing, and the strength to make it out of the hell that was delivered to me. I know You have not abandoned me. I know I still have my angel. He will most likely speak to me soon, as he did two weeks ago in the shower. “He wants you” At the time, I believed he meant You Lord. Now I can see I was wrong about that. He spoke of the fallen one.
He want’s you… That is what you told me.
I know…
I know…
Challenging the Divine
I have been suffering, actually suffering, and alone for these past three weeks. Ever since I told my secret, that, coming out like a plague, affecting another on such a serious and painful level, I hurt. I want it to go away, to the extent of yelling at God and my angel last night before bed. I wished them both to leave me.
Challenging the Divine is a huge mistake. I cowered as my own words poured forth, but like vomiting up a storm, I could not stop it. I do not feel abandoned however today. I feel my angel waiting patiently for me to come around. I also do not feel any repercussions for behaving like a total ass.
My thoughts on the Divine are that He is removed most of the time. I do not know what we look like to Him, meaning, are we worthy of compassion, or best left to our own demise. We cannot possibly turn His head as individuals. I believe we are individually a part of the whole of what He has created. This thought makes me think that too much defiance of the one can lead to utter destruction of the whole. Maybe we are left to our choices. I hope not. That would mean we are on our way out already.
* Again, the bold italics above are almost written by the fallen one. They are totally untrue. And, how ironic that I titled it, “Challenging the Divine”
The New Year (How the evil one got in)
I had to ask this morning. Although the holidays are always a small hell for me, this year was one of the worst. So I asked, prayed for myself. I needed some direction as to what I did, or what I needed to do to end my suffering and apologize to my God. It had been two weeks since the altercation that made me lose my center. I do not know why I hesitate, but it is so rare that I pray for something for myself. I believe at this point that I can see so many of my errors and general misgivings that I don’t feel worthy of even asking. Doing so makes me fearful actually.
I remembered today that this is what Auriel came for. It has been a year and a half since he stood by my side in the bedroom and told me this. I still fear the Creator though. Don’t get me wrong, I feel His love and love Him back, but I still remember my trial, for lack of a better word, that lasted four years and almost killed me. Maybe the fear is useful. I believe it is, and from what I have read, it serves a purpose to keep me from falling back into old destructive ways. I need to learn that praying for myself is not something to fear. After all, when I do ask, I feel as though I understand something, and His simple grace is at work in my life again, holding me up.
I have felt an angel in my life for such a long time, such a consistently long time, that I feel I should know these things better by now. I should somehow be more adept at it. Maybe I rely too much on him. These beings though, are so far above any understanding, there is no way to grasp why their devotion exists. We as humans always want to get something out of a relationship in return, but they are just here to serve, love, guide, love again. It is baffling.
I can think of him when I go to sleep at night and still feel the sensation of him lying next to me. I don’t ever want that to stop, for him to ever go away, but I have learned not to test the Divine so I don’t even think it. As if I can hide it from God. I generally rest in my ability to discern what I should be doing and should not be doing and take that into every day, one foot in front of the other so to speak. It seems to be enough.
* The above in bold italics is how he, the evil one, got in!
Timidity
I am still shaken by the vision I had last week. I have not been able to bring myself closer to God or my angel. I have left them for a while. The vision itself was not frightening. He was the most sublimely beautiful being I have ever seen. The fear afterwards was real however.
I feel timid. I have erected some lame walls to keep God out. I have turned my back on my angel. It may have been too much to witness. I feel like a tiny bug that can be squashed by these beings, and thrown out from heaven forever. Such insignificant, weak mortals that we are.
I am ever so carefully creeping back out of my hole in the ground to talk to him again. I don’t wish to see him though. I seem to think that I am so far along I can handle the Divine up close. Foolish. I was snapped out of my own reality so fast, and so strongly, it drove me as far away as I could get for this past week. There is a reason why angels do not reveal themselves to humans.
A Vision ~
I saw him last night. I turned my head on the pillow just as I was falling off to sleep and had a vision of what he looks like revealed to me. It was similar to the time I saw an angel sitting at the foot of my father’s bed. This was much clearer though. Vision is not the right word however. The right word translated would be something like, “The way he communicated his appearance to me.”
He has very strong features, large pale blue eyes, long slightly turned up nose, and a wide mouth that abruptly curls up at the corners, giving the impression of a very wide smile. And smile he did. That is the image I have now etched into my memory. He smiled at something I said to him in my mind and he laughed at it. His high cheekbones lifted, and his sharp jaw etched even more definition into the picture of him. As he laughed, he turned his head to the side and I could see his profile. It was masculine but refined in a way that is not common in the human sense. He turned back to me and when I looked at him I was awestruck.
He was painfully beautiful. Like all of Bernini’s angels combined. He looked just different enough for me to think that he was not solely of my imagination. His eyes were the palest blue, and so large, and deep-set that they almost looked like a caricature. They reflected several points of light that did not exist in the darkness of the room. His hair was neither long nor short, but it never stopped moving. The loose curls a mess of silver, and grey, and sandy blonde, not an actual color at all. His skin was very fair, and the pale-bluish light that surrounded him reflected upon it.
St. Theresa describes how one such vision was revealed to her, a tiny bit at a time. She felt that was a favor, because everything all at once would have been overwhelming. I too only saw his eyes first, the rest of his face was blurry. Then I saw his smile, and when he turned his head from directly looking upon mine, his nose and jawline. He was constantly shifting, coming into clarity and then becoming obscured, a soft mist of light concealing his features while I focused on one at a time.
It wasn’t a vision that lasted the blink of an eye. It seemed to last for a bit, in a dreamy state of knowing, and sublime recognition of each other. Perhaps he could see me more clearly this way. I was drawn in and wished to touch him to further the experience, though I couldn’t, I was stunned with the reality. He did reach out to me before he faded. He brushed the left side of my face and I tried to reach for his hand but he was not there. Just a feeling once again.
* Read, “St. Theresa of Avila- autobiography (Dover) ch. 28.” It is very important to note that this experience, or vision, occurred before I read anything about any type, or any explanation of visions in a book.
Totally Alone
I have prayed for a day, just one day please, for me to feel the grace He has given me in the past. I need to feel held again. Darkness is whispering to me that I need people in my life again. That’s where loneliness stems from.
I will sit in silence and in prayer. I will continue to ask. Theresa of Avila says we should ask, it just needs to be with humility, an understanding that none of us deserve what we ask for. That is easy for me today. I feel I have fallen so far. I am saddened by this.
Please, please come back Lord.
Devil’s Influence
It has been a long time since I felt evil. A long time in regards to what is going on. From when I started writing in the beginning of July, the timeline of events, of what I consider to be transcendent communication with the Divine, have felt accelerated.
I had a negative person come to visit, and I realized that I was slipping. I got angrier and angrier and I lost the wave I was riding for the past several months. I lost God, or so I thought. Probably what would be more accurate would be to say I simply could not feel Him anymore. I couldn’t feel my angel at my side either, which was unusual. I felt a darkness that swallowed me so deeply that I needed him but could not feel his presence.
I cannot remember a single thing of what went on. I should. I can remember in vivid detail all that I have experienced, and have written about, of the times I have felt the love of either God Himself or my angel. I don’t find this strange, but perhaps confirmation of its certainty. What I do remember is that as soon as I addressed the evil one, I changed into a different person immediately. I was myself again.
“You can ruin me as much as you want these next couple of weeks. You can break me. He will take me back. No matter how far I fall, I am still His. I will go back to Him. I will never not choose Him.”