I feel the warmth of the Divine holding me, my angel and his friends close to me, and my mother comforting me. I feel no pain, only a slight confusion. I am in a daze. Pain is reflected in my eyes though, like when I lost so many before. I believe I will feel grief later. I am not grieving yet. I am still in shock. As my father said to me when my step-mother died, “I don’t feel anything. I just keep thinking she went to the store and will walk though that door any minute.”
Kya
The Golden Eagle
A golden eagle circled over the backyard on Saturday. He never once moved his wings. Just silently soared over Kya for several minutes. She turned white on Sunday.
Strength
There was one other thing. I cannot remember exactly when it happened. Sometime over the weekend. I laid down on the floor and begged and begged again of God why he was not coming to me.
I heard clearly. Outside of my head this time. “Strength”. Then more tears. Still not enough. Why, why, why?! “To make you stronger.” More clarity I insisted. “If you are going to represent me. You must do it correctly.” That last sentence may have been different, but that was the gist of it.
The voice was nondescript. Not my own. Not Auriel’s. Just a plain voice.
The Piercing and the Peanut
Why did I write that post? “It is over.” How could I say goodby to God and then have Him take my Kya from me? It was less than 24 hrs later that she got sick. I knew she had to go. Go to live with Grampa. I find it so strange. It couldn’t have been a punishment. I don’t believe that.
Monday morning I woke up to a horrible feeling. It wasn’t a feeling that I had felt before. But there was an understanding that the inevitable could not be put off any longer. I wanted to pull the covers over my head and sink into disbelief once again, but my angel laid by my side and placed his hand on my shoulder to delicately wake me.
I had prayed fervently over the weekend. “Auriel, please speak for me to God. Deliver Him the message that I need Him to come back! I need consolations. I need to feel peace. Please! Please! Please!” And then, “I need angels. Lots and lots of angels. Send an army.” Auriel remained very close to me. Standing by my side. Always touching me. But God did not swell my heart with bliss. I figured, He knew best. Maybe if He had come it would obscure the circumstance and imminent grief I needed to feel.
But as I lay there, in my bed Monday morning. I felt something different. God came to me with a sharp piercing of my heart. I felt lifted up and I cried out in my mind, with every fiber of my being, “I love you so much!” What a simple thing to say. And I cannot describe here the reality of it. Certainly I said more. I said everything in that instant. He withdrew suddenly. Then, again. A stabbing right into my heart! I remember feeling, thinking, speaking, “I give you everything! Take all of me!”
I just absolutely cannot describe it. I won’t even try. I can say, the piercing was not painful, but not sensual either. I felt as thought He reached inside my heart and drew me up close. It felt like my insides were pulled out of me, up to heaven. I was inside of Him and He was inside of me.
After the second piercing, which only lasted an instant, my thoughts on that being that experiencing anymore of His closeness would cause me to explode, I became aware of a warm light surrounding my bed. My eyes started to open fully and I could see them. About a dozen angels by my bedside forming a semi-circle around me. They were blurry. I could not see their faces. But they were there. In the light.
Auriel pulled me out of bed and I got the impression that the others were his friends. I thanked them for coming. I sensed that they were in awe of his and my relationship. Nothing so serious as envy did they feel, but perhaps a hopeful wanting of what we have, that they could have someday.
They were alway there, throughout the day, and into the evening. Kya passed so peacefully. I felt semi okay. I didn’t want to see her after though. I didn’t have to. I was hit with a serious allergy attack. One of the debilitating ones. I could not help carry her. No way. So I got out of it. Auriel hard at work once again.
As I fell asleep that night. I asked for a sign that my dad had her. I had been trying to talk to him all day. I thought, just a robin drinking from the bird bath. A squirrel maybe. I felt a little irreverent asking for one. After all, my faith is strong enough now that I don’t need such things. So this morning threw me for a loop.
I decided to plant the angels wings (flowers) out front and when digging up the dirt I found something… A peanut in the shell. Just like the kind my father used to eat. He was obsessed with them! It was his addiction. What more can I say. I never ate them. There is nothing more direct then it being a peanut!
I feel much better now. I told my angel last night that I would never doubt him again. I am sticking to that!
PS: I’m keeping the eagle feather.
Healings
The mystical experience is sometimes a healing one. I first noticed, a year ago, that things were able to change on a cellular level with my thoughts focused. I had it in my mind, for whatever reason, I kept saying to myself, “I know I can heal this.” Since then, I have had several ailments disappear and not return. Although, I deeply believe that the Lord has taken many of these away Himself for His own reasons.
It has changed in speed- in that as soon as I think about it or focus on the problem it takes little time now to stop the problem.
It has changed in process- where I used to pray for Him to change things in my health, I now simply think, “I can change this” with the desired result.
Now, it has changed in ability- where I only healed my own ailments, I have now possibly done something to alleviate the pain and suffering in my dog who has cancer.
I haven’t written about this because it seems very egotistical to think that I am some sort of healer. I don’t believe that. But, I did think to myself, when I was told my dog had cancer, “You can heal her.” I remember thinking how will I get inside her head to get her to stop the energy leaks…? I thought, do I put my hands on her or something? She just wiggles then. So, I simply thought it. Not even prayed really, just a thought. Something like, “It’s only cancer.”
That is the only thing I can say is for real about this. When I think something is too big for me to take care of, on any level not just health, I simply ask myself, “If God can cure any ailment in the blink of an eye, don’t you think He can take care of this?”
Peace in Death
I have news. The worst kind of news. News of death of a very truly loved one once again. This time I am prepared…
I heard the news and still stayed in my own world of peace. It did not leave me. My angel did not leave me. God did not leave me…
My grief could consume me. I could fall apart. But I am not in that place now. I am stronger than I have ever been as a human, and although I have lost faith in it, humanity, I can feel the others that will to comfort me. I think it’s nice.
I have the strangest feeling that this will not lead to another state of aridity. I almost feel like this will make me ascend to the next level of closeness to the Divine.
Oh how I don’t want this! My only consolation is that she will be reunited with her Creator. Oh how I could fight this!