Times of Aridity

1 Year Anniversary, Times of Aridity

Waiting with my imagination

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My imagination is ruling me now. It has taken over as my truth to what is going on, or what has has happened in the past. It is disconcerting, but not dreadful. This is because I have read so much about the times where I will be left feeling alone. I am reassured not to worry. I hate it. It seems I only feel safe within His embrace and the grace, or consolation, He allows me to have.

I’ve gone backwards. This time last year it was my delicate imagination that started breaking through my terrible state of mind. If I lose that though, if I lose my peaceful imaginary locutions, I will be frightened. I do not want to repeat the true horror of a time with the devil on my back.

In order to keep from sliding back into the ordinary and painful existence of humanity I have been praying. I still don’t know how to pray, not really, but I ask of Him what He would have me do while I wait out the next aridity I feel coming on. I receive nothing. Silence. So I again begged my angel for comfort and the knowing, if in fact he knew. Again with the imagination. I stopped it. You see, I know what it is like to actually hear him. I have heard him many times before. So I heard very clearly, with a distinct knowledge of him standing by the tree as I sat upon my swing in the dark, “Wait.” That’s it. Just wait. I suppose that means wait for further instructions. 

I will force myself, which I really do not have to force, to continue writing. I understand perhaps the greatest thing I heard was to start these pages. I have to remember, and as time passes, I will also be able to read about the times spent in a state of loneliness and will be comforted on another level. This is a moving thing, like water, like rain or sand.

So I will pray ever day. I will ask every day. I will give thanks. I will acknowledge, and I will be gentle with myself. I will have faith. I will know there will be a next time, and I will know the truth whether reading these words or simply reflecting. Contemplation. Books. Love and forgiveness. I will remember. Please allow me to remember.

Times of Aridity

By myself but not alone

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It has been 17 days since I woke up alone. It is different this time. I feel like I’m by myself but not on my own. I feel calm. I feel peace. This morning, as I write, I listen and I hear the crickets and birds. The air quietly whispers. Yes, I am at peace.
I remember what I have been taught. At this point I have read many texts on how to handle these encounters and mainly, what I have learned, is to give thanks for them. Most people will never even come close to having such a beautiful experience in this life on earth.
So I lie in my bed in the early morning and thank God for pulling me close to Him. I say something like, “I cannot feel you so strongly now, but I know you are there. Thank you for holding me in such a state of grace for as long as you have. Even if I feel alone right now I will not be frightened. I will not forget my path. I will not turn away from you. I will never stop loving you.”
I can’t wait to feel Him in my life strongly again. I wait excitedly like a little girl with a crush. Maybe He will simply walk through my front door any moment. Even in writing these words I feel the glow of His presence increasing in my sphere of normalcy. Oh, I don’t want normal anymore. They said this would happen…
I read yesterday that He turns away so that those of us he has chosen to communicate with will want Him all the more. I still think that sounds like being a tease. How terribly sacrilegious of me. It is extremely effective though. You see, I cannot un-know what I now know and with this knowledge, everything else, every other experience pales in comparison. I have reached a point in my life where I know exactly what I want and nothing else will do.
So I sit and ponder. I would like to know what He actually wants, but all I have are loose directions from other people who lived and studied and experienced long before me. They know more than I do, so I heed their words and when I don’t know what to do I give thanks. I apologize for my base language and actions. I focus on remaining patient and quiet and good.
I ask for humility. I ask for help on loving my neighbors, which is near impossible given my lack of faith in humanity. I don’t know how to accomplish those simple things. I just let my need for empathy simmer on the back burner. My humility on the other hand can come rushing in and my faults become very clear. I have no idea why this is happening with all of my rebellions in my past. That is what humility is though, a clear picture of who you really are.
He obviously sees something that I do not. I appreciate this to no end. It makes me more devoted. I dress up every day, do my hair, put on make-up. I do these things to be respectful. I also think it is nice to be looking pretty for someone who seems inherently male, but what do I know about that. I find it unbelievable that the others are all (separately) convinced that He is as a lover and not a father. My little Catholic mind is shocked by this, but once again, what to I know… At this point I simply find it odd, and somewhat humorous.
I’ve changed my focus to being on Him. I still feel my angel present and readily available but I think my infatuation with him has subsided. What he came for, for me to stop fearing Our Maker, has worked. He will not leave me though. He told me as much and I cannot imagine that an angel would lie. That would be absurd!
Letters to the Divine indeed. I have missed this. He gave me a break, to be a simple human for a time being, but now I am in a state of grace once again. I feel in love again. I only think of Him and what I know and what I am about to know. It is simply divine.