Times of Aridity

August was the month I felt Him leave. Although it was gradual, in His own merciful way, the entire month was dry. I waited. I waited some more, but by the end of September I realized things had changed.

It has now been a little over three months since I felt the great Divine Comfort of having Him in my life every day. The entire month of July was a sort of paradise despite the addition of the fanatic writing I had to do to keep up. I didn’t want to lose anything.

It is hard not to be fearful right now. It is hard not to be lost. I am confused. I am doubting my own experiences, even though I have these pages to refer to. I feel like I need more and more definitions.

I’d like to let it go, and let God flow back into my life unannounced and when I least expect it. I know I cannot summon Him, no matter what I do, or how great a cause I adhere myself to for His sake.

I wish I had some words that could cling to these pages with great tenacity right now, something like, “I will never leave you Lord” but that is just not the case. It is now that I understand the need for a spiritual advisor, and if I could ask of one other thing from Him it would be for that.

I believe, with great regret, that these entries may be coming to an end for some time. I am not inconsolable but just a step back from it. My sadness, and the pain in my heart is very real today. Please don’t let it be so…

God gifted me one year ago with silence. My mind settled down and went quiet, and I could hear Him better. My thoughts were stilled and my voice was not heard inside or outside of my head. The people around me were affected by this calm. They had a completely different impression of what and who I was compared to the banshee that I had been for the past four years.

Six days from now will mark one year from when the silent peace began. My angel was in my life every day and has been ever since. The Lord has been keeping me; somehow protected and safe and away from all the noise and racket of the outside world. He has kept me quiet and calm and has given me an infinite amount of patience.

I realize now that I don’t think He is so concerned over what I do, but who it makes me into. I sometimes think I am above others. Like when I think I don’t want to join the human race ever again, because they are all so horrible. I have to remember that I am human and I am part of the society that I condemn. I am every ounce as bad as all the rest.

Today I sit in the rainy silence and feel a human peace within me. It is not the grace of the hold of the Divine, but it’s something. I am saddened by His absence, but what I have learned from it, is that I have to control my own behavior. I have to check my attitude when I think I am alone and start to behave like an ass. It has to be this way, out of respect, gratitude and thankfulness. A change has to be made for the strengthening of the soul and the continued progress up the spiritual ladder. I am still so far down, but He has given me glimpses in favors that I can see, have seen, what is up ahead, what I could attain.

So, I will start another silent retreat. One month of no talking verbally, but most importantly internally. My internal racket distracts me from everything and I know for a fact that the evil one slips in amongst the chatter and mingles in his own little words. God allows this.

I have been thinking that it has been a year. It has been two. The year is just what I have known. It has been what I can reflect upon, but the guidance started when I moved. It only took a few weeks until my debilitating pain subsided and I was able to move again. That was a big thing since I could not walk for a year. So January of 2024 I was mostly healed. It was then that I first felt the Divine in my life. The two months that followed I can only describe as pure bliss. When I was struck with the news my son brought to the table, I did spiral, however I felt a sense of calm that I could not explain. I interacted with others from that state of mind. That was in April.

I remember the madness. I thought I would need to be voluntarily committed. I sat by the window upstairs and was convinced that either aliens had invaded the planet or that the world was ending. The feeling was insurmountable, but then I started to change once again. It wasn’t until then, that after the second time of a major spiritual intervention, I started to question. That is when the first year came to a close. It is when I read the book of St. John of the Cross- The Dark Night of the Soul. Then I got answers. I was astounded, and I still am. That was my first realization what had happened to me was real, or so I think.

2025 was a time to myself. I needed that. I have made the mistake in thinking that it all began there, but I have had time to reflect and realize the major shift, the time of great healing actually started the year before. It started so gently, as if I would fear the presence of such sublime love that I was approached like a skittish deer. I am glad that my soul is strengthened.

As I have said, I am feeling alone now. I don’t like it one bit. But because I know that He will come back, however long I must wait, and that I am not being punished, I will wait. That is just what my angel said to me two nights ago. “Wait.”

My imagination is ruling me now. It has taken over as my truth to what is going on, or what has has happened in the past. It is disconcerting, but not dreadful. This is because I have read so much about the times where I will be left feeling alone. I am reassured not to worry. I hate it. It seems I only feel safe within His embrace and the grace, or consolation, He allows me to have.

I’ve gone backwards. This time last year it was my delicate imagination that started breaking through my terrible state of mind. If I lose that though, if I lose my peaceful imaginary locutions, I will be frightened. I do not want to repeat the true horror of a time with the devil on my back.

In order to keep from sliding back into the ordinary and painful existence of humanity I have been praying. I still don’t know how to pray, not really, but I ask of Him what He would have me do while I wait out the next aridity I feel coming on. I receive nothing. Silence. So I again begged my angel for comfort and the knowing, if in fact he knew. Again with the imagination. I stopped it. You see, I know what it is like to actually hear him. I have heard him many times before. So I heard very clearly, with a distinct knowledge of him standing by the tree as I sat upon my swing in the dark, “Wait.” That’s it. Just wait. I suppose that means wait for further instructions. 

I will force myself, which I really do not have to force, to continue writing. I understand perhaps the greatest thing I heard was to start these pages. I have to remember, and as time passes, I will also be able to read about the times spent in a state of loneliness and will be comforted on another level. This is a moving thing, like water, like rain or sand.

So I will pray ever day. I will ask every day. I will give thanks. I will acknowledge, and I will be gentle with myself. I will have faith. I will know there will be a next time, and I will know the truth whether reading these words or simply reflecting. Contemplation. Books. Love and forgiveness. I will remember. Please allow me to remember.

It has been one month to the day that I woke alone. This morning I had a bit of fear, but it only lasted until the fog had cleared from sleep. It seemed like a bad dream that slowly dissolved and then I felt the tiny bit of reassurance. I am so grateful, I can’t even properly express it here in words, for His decision to fade gradually instead of abruptly vacate my side as is what originally happened. How is it that He did not know that I would panic. I again don’t understand, other than it was somehow beneficial to the cause.

I think I understand what this is all about, partially. It may not be that these words are intended only for myself to remember. I say this without any ego interfering. As I go along, as I read more, I am frightened by the fact that these accounts by others, cloistered nuns in fact, are very similar to my own. And that which frightens me the most is what I believe I have been feeling is most likely God Himself and not my angel.

I have a better understanding of the reason for the times we are apart. St. Theresa herself chose to rest in the beauty of the experience of what she calls Divine favors. She said it wasted time though. Time away from what she was supposed to be doing for Him which was another form of suffering through the human experience. Those of us whom He has favored this way, she says, are to take up their own cross and bear it knowing that any form of love we extend to those we judge is further love that we extend towards Him.

I am not alone today. I could write for hours about this. I feel as a person in love again and even if, when, this is taken away once more, I will remember. This will never be forgotten. I believe now that I am so far into the beauty if I do forget, start to become wrapped up in my own nonsensical daily routine, I will be gently guided back to what is now fast becoming the reality that I live in.

I love You for this. I am confused by this. Thank you for imbibing me with the patience to continue to love when the feeling is lost but not lost. Thank you for inspiring me to write this down, and giving me the voice, however incorrect, to continue.