As soon as I need Him, he is there, these days. It may not always be. In my despondence over what I was reading, making me desperately sad, I thought, maybe it is not a translation but an interpretation. Yes, I had forgotten that John of the Cross wrote poetry that he sometimes put to song. The book is about a work of art. The Dark Night of the Soul is a poem. Art is subjective. Art is open to interpretation. I am still safe in my cocoon.
1 Year Anniversary
One Year Anniversary
I realize now I may have been wrong. According to the mystics who have come before, I am not even on the path yet, or so much of a beginner I don’t know what I am even talking about. But why then do I personally know exactly what has been written of the experiences of those further along. Why do I know it without having read about it before. Why do I know things that would not be a part of the early stages alone. Witnessing an angel having a conversation with one on the verge of death. Knowing what’s on the other side of the veil. Having a guide. Feeling and hearing my own angel. Knowing the Divine morning, day and night for a consecutive seven months.
I don’t know what this is, but I must defer to what they know, which is so much more than me. It is important to me though to write down these times I’ve had with the Divine. My own life has been effected immensely by them. Maybe it is a simple push and pull, favors and aridities granted in a very delicate form at best, but that does not matter to me. I never asked for this in the first place and I am grateful to the degree of now offering myself to God completely because of it.
Just one year ago I was in a state of something so dark that I begged the devil to take me. I actually begged for death to alleviate my suffering. I had started to believe in God once again, but I then believed that He and the devil were playing a game of chess with my soul. That is when I got angry at Him and just totally gave up and begged for the evil death for relief.
I have a timeline now within my head and can see clearly how things went, but it does not matter. There is no explanation and there needn’t be. I am here now, and I hopefully will not have to suffer that again, for I have said to myself and to others that I will not be able to survive it.
I have felt in love and alone, in love and alone for the past month now and today it has been exactly one year since I picked up the book The Dark Night of the Soul and felt it was a textbook explanation for me to absorb. Now, today, I am reading it again and can see that those were never my experiences, they could not have been because I was not on the path to God. I was not praying, not living the life of someone devoted to Him. I did not do penance or reflect on my sins. I merely existed in a state of terror and disconnectedness to everyone and everything around me. I had seen too much. I had experienced to much. However I didn’t reach out. I still did not believe.
So, my question now is can a soul go through the Dark Night without knowing God? Can that come first before the belief. I knew He existed, I was raised Catholic, I just didn’t believe he was present anymore. For whatever reason, He was just not there.
I thought today would be enjoyable to reread and reflect on what has happened, but to see that I have not even yet begun, only enjoyed the tiny consolations that God has granted me, is disappointing. Not because I want to be further along, but because if I follow the translation of Miribar Starr my experiences did not happen.
I am sad today. I didn’t expect that. I read and I understand. What I thought was happening was not. Yes, the small consolations were given freely, but that is all they were. Now, in saying that, I am offending Him greatly. According to Theresa of Avila, anyone who has been held by the Divine in a state of grace should do nothing less than supplicate and praise Him. Perhaps I need to discern which sacred texts apply to me, but they do not contradict each other. I just no longer know. The best I can do is remain patient. Reflect on how terrible of a human I was and most likely still am, and pray for His forgiveness to become a better one.
Catholic girl
I have come to realize that most of the things I have to say out loud are extremely negative, sometimes hostile, and overall judgmental. I can stop, but it’s hard. This must be what people call not having a filter. Could it be that I never had one? No, when I was younger I was downright shy. Painfully shy. When I was older I was considered mysterious, which only made the shyness worse because people wouldn’t leave me alone for trying to figure me out.
These things have gotten me started thinking on my overall development as a human being. How I was taken out of Catholic school and placed in a minor hell where everyone judged me and picked on me and robbed me of my self-esteem. I was totally lost, and because I was teased for merely believing in God, I pushed Him aside. Perhaps He was heartbroken, because it took me ten years to turn back to Him. This time also in a great trauma.
When I think about the number of times when I loved Him, when I was solely devoted to living under the rule of the Divine, there were not that many. As a child I was raised Catholic, and let me just say that does not ever leave you, but I was living a peaceful and meaningful existence. I did not like the church however, and the priests and nuns did not like me. I asked too many questions, and although I am sure I was not the first, I was the most persistent. Most of the others, they just followed. No questions asked.
What was it for me then that has led to this now? I was not by any means a part of the common world either. I existed somewhere in-between. A misfit. I was aware of those things that lived behind the veil, and communicated to them on occasion. I was not afraid of the existence of this other life, this other plane, I just felt separated. This makes sense to me now. I can understand why I am back here. Perhaps I have always been here. I wish I never left.
There is a common denominator. When I fell, for lack of a better word, it was a choice. The others, being so cruel to me, I decided to punish on my own terms. I found the darkest and scariest way to manipulate them into fearing me and leaving me alone for good. It worked. It worked too good. I fell. I was taken over by darkness. I was tempted. I succumbed to things that would try to kill me and nearly did.
Then He was there. Pulling me back from it all. I turned away again, turned back, turned away, turned back. Each and every time, I have to say, I have not, what you would say grown stronger at the soul level, instead I came to hate humanity all the more, each time. I never thought of these things as choices, but people f*c%ing me over. I couldn’t believe I had ever deserved such things and I still do not. The only thing I can think of as my own choice is to not remember God, his grace, and to simply follow my own ideas, which I know very well now only lead to the devil himself. This does explain that when I have felt “the devil on my back,” I have. Absolutely.
This past time, from 2020-2024, was by far the worst. I not only came close to death but to madness which is way more scary. Your mind turning against you. What could be worse? You can be alive but under the control of others during a lost and confusing state that may or may not continue to exist. It is the worst thing imaginable.
I will not leave Him again, whether out of fear or love, I am done with the cycle. I am too old for that now. It has taken me too long to get here, and I have also wasted too much time.
It is raining again. A thunderstorm to be exact. As I have said, it never rains here. I know He is listening. I know my angel is about to be in tears, he loves me after all. However, this time he will be shedding tears of solace, and gratitude, and perhaps a feeling of peace in himself for succeeding one more time in his job of helping me to know our Creator, personally, spiritually, lovingly and strongly.
Silence
God gifted me one year ago with silence. My mind settled down and went quiet, and I could hear Him better. My thoughts were stilled and my voice was not heard inside or outside of my head. The people around me were affected by this calm. They had a completely different impression of what and who I was compared to the banshee that I had been for the past four years.
Six days from now will mark one year from when the silent peace began. My angel was in my life every day and has been ever since. The Lord has been keeping me; somehow protected and safe and away from all the noise and racket of the outside world. He has kept me quiet and calm and has given me an infinite amount of patience.
I realize now that I don’t think He is so concerned over what I do, but who it makes me into. I sometimes think I am above others. Like when I think I don’t want to join the human race ever again, because they are all so horrible. I have to remember that I am human and I am part of the society that I condemn. I am every ounce as bad as all the rest.
Today I sit in the rainy silence and feel a human peace within me. It is not the grace of the hold of the Divine, but it’s something. I am saddened by His absence, but what I have learned from it, is that I have to control my own behavior. I have to check my attitude when I think I am alone and start to behave like an ass. It has to be this way, out of respect, gratitude and thankfulness. A change has to be made for the strengthening of the soul and the continued progress up the spiritual ladder. I am still so far down, but He has given me glimpses in favors that I can see, have seen, what is up ahead, what I could attain.
So, I will start another silent retreat. One month of no talking verbally, but most importantly internally. My internal racket distracts me from everything and I know for a fact that the evil one slips in amongst the chatter and mingles in his own little words. God allows this.
The beginning of prayer
Last night was another night to remember. I was able to pray, and I did get through. Maybe now I know how. I did ask for something, I had to, and it was not easy to refrain from falling back on the thanks I usually give.
I want to keep the peaceful buzz I have felt for so long now. Knowing that it is not possible while here on Earth, I dream of keeping my angel near by for counsel. So I did ask, tactfully, with humility in regard to the insecurity I still hold close. I was flooded with warmth and comfort. I did not get to hold onto it for too long, but it was enough.
Today I feel the low thrum of peace. I don’t feel the need to do anything. No need to cook, or clean, or talk, think and judge. I again, could sit and simply write all day, but I don’t want to dilute this. I have nothing more to say right now.
I am grateful. I do not expect anything. I rejoice when I am blessed with His presence. I know I will not be left to fall behind.
Time
I have been thinking that it has been a year. It has been two. The year is just what I have known. It has been what I can reflect upon, but the guidance started when I moved. It only took a few weeks until my debilitating pain subsided and I was able to move again. That was a big thing since I could not walk for a year. So January of 2024 I was mostly healed. It was then that I first felt the Divine in my life. The two months that followed I can only describe as pure bliss. When I was struck with the news my son brought to the table, I did spiral, however I felt a sense of calm that I could not explain. I interacted with others from that state of mind. That was in April.
I remember the madness. I thought I would need to be voluntarily committed. I sat by the window upstairs and was convinced that either aliens had invaded the planet or that the world was ending. The feeling was insurmountable, but then I started to change once again. It wasn’t until then, that after the second time of a major spiritual intervention, I started to question. That is when the first year came to a close. It is when I read the book of St. John of the Cross- The Dark Night of the Soul. Then I got answers. I was astounded, and I still am. That was my first realization what had happened to me was real, or so I think.
2025 was a time to myself. I needed that. I have made the mistake in thinking that it all began there, but I have had time to reflect and realize the major shift, the time of great healing actually started the year before. It started so gently, as if I would fear the presence of such sublime love that I was approached like a skittish deer. I am glad that my soul is strengthened.
As I have said, I am feeling alone now. I don’t like it one bit. But because I know that He will come back, however long I must wait, and that I am not being punished, I will wait. That is just what my angel said to me two nights ago. “Wait.”
Waiting with my imagination
My imagination is ruling me now. It has taken over as my truth to what is going on, or what has has happened in the past. It is disconcerting, but not dreadful. This is because I have read so much about the times where I will be left feeling alone. I am reassured not to worry. I hate it. It seems I only feel safe within His embrace and the grace, or consolation, He allows me to have.
I’ve gone backwards. This time last year it was my delicate imagination that started breaking through my terrible state of mind. If I lose that though, if I lose my peaceful imaginary locutions, I will be frightened. I do not want to repeat the true horror of a time with the devil on my back.
In order to keep from sliding back into the ordinary and painful existence of humanity I have been praying. I still don’t know how to pray, not really, but I ask of Him what He would have me do while I wait out the next aridity I feel coming on. I receive nothing. Silence. So I again begged my angel for comfort and the knowing, if in fact he knew. Again with the imagination. I stopped it. You see, I know what it is like to actually hear him. I have heard him many times before. So I heard very clearly, with a distinct knowledge of him standing by the tree as I sat upon my swing in the dark, “Wait.” That’s it. Just wait. I suppose that means wait for further instructions.
I will force myself, which I really do not have to force, to continue writing. I understand perhaps the greatest thing I heard was to start these pages. I have to remember, and as time passes, I will also be able to read about the times spent in a state of loneliness and will be comforted on another level. This is a moving thing, like water, like rain or sand.
So I will pray ever day. I will ask every day. I will give thanks. I will acknowledge, and I will be gentle with myself. I will have faith. I will know there will be a next time, and I will know the truth whether reading these words or simply reflecting. Contemplation. Books. Love and forgiveness. I will remember. Please allow me to remember.
Additional gratitude
It has been one month to the day that I woke alone. This morning I had a bit of fear, but it only lasted until the fog had cleared from sleep. It seemed like a bad dream that slowly dissolved and then I felt the tiny bit of reassurance. I am so grateful, I can’t even properly express it here in words, for His decision to fade gradually instead of abruptly vacate my side as is what originally happened. How is it that He did not know that I would panic. I again don’t understand, other than it was somehow beneficial to the cause.
I think I understand what this is all about, partially. It may not be that these words are intended only for myself to remember. I say this without any ego interfering. As I go along, as I read more, I am frightened by the fact that these accounts by others, cloistered nuns in fact, are very similar to my own. And that which frightens me the most is what I believe I have been feeling is most likely God Himself and not my angel.
I have a better understanding of the reason for the times we are apart. St. Theresa herself chose to rest in the beauty of the experience of what she calls Divine favors. She said it wasted time though. Time away from what she was supposed to be doing for Him which was another form of suffering through the human experience. Those of us whom He has favored this way, she says, are to take up their own cross and bear it knowing that any form of love we extend to those we judge is further love that we extend towards Him.
I am not alone today. I could write for hours about this. I feel as a person in love again and even if, when, this is taken away once more, I will remember. This will never be forgotten. I believe now that I am so far into the beauty if I do forget, start to become wrapped up in my own nonsensical daily routine, I will be gently guided back to what is now fast becoming the reality that I live in.
I love You for this. I am confused by this. Thank you for imbibing me with the patience to continue to love when the feeling is lost but not lost. Thank you for inspiring me to write this down, and giving me the voice, however incorrect, to continue.
Approaching the Anniversary
I woke up early again, before dawn, and I thought, “That’s it. Today is going to be different.” This was not an inspiration. I have simply had enough of the excess, especially with how patient my angel is, and also, why at this point would I want to offend our Maker? No, I am changing. I am changing for both of them.
Yesterday I tried to do the absurd and create a timeline for the experiences I have had over the past year. The devotional sweetness. The divine consolations. The state of grace. The feeling of being in love… I struggled for nearly seven hours trying to get the technology to work. That was a perfect moment to use one of my favorite sayings, “Man plans. God laughs,” only I don’t think he plays games with us anymore. I used to think this, human life on earth, was just a big game of chess played between Himself and the devil. I have come a long way.
I’m still trying to figure out who I’m most in love with. It is so very strange to think that let alone write it down. Heaven forbid someone gets there hands on this! I think I have put it down to the best of my ability however. Those feelings stem from my awareness and total willingness to supplicate before Him, and His response of reaching out to me, or vise versa; giving me the slightest touch of a fingertip, which can sometimes feel like bliss and can sometimes feel like excruciating pain. It depends what point He is trying to make.
When I say feelings of bliss or ecstasy, I should clarify that it is much removed from physical pleasure, which is of no comparison, but it also does not reside within the mind. It cannot be described by me, and perhaps not anyone, as it is a secret communication between the soul and the Divine. That is why I am writing this, I have to, but I also have to keep it to myself.
Next month will be the one year anniversary of my awakening to the Divine and my introduction to the spiritual guide who is always at my side. Auriel. I am blessed, and blessed does not even come close to what this is. I am no longer afraid of losing touch. My knowingness comforts me when I feel Him withdraw slightly, and when my angel stands further apart from me. I know I will not sink into madness again. I am protected from that. I’m not sure where I am at on the spiritual ladder but I don’t care to know. All that matters is that I am on it. I will not step off. Not ever.