Times of Aridity

A Year 3, Letters to The Divine, Times of Aridity

10 months & no sign of God

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Other than a handful of times, I have not felt the Creator in my life at all. It has been 10 months. Nearly a year and I think that when a year is up I will give up completely on Him. I’m sure I will still believe. I know He is still there. But I don’t think He wants me to be His mystic anymore. And I do know that I was. I am not mistaken. The feelings were real.

I am so confused as to why He did that to me. Shared Himself with me in such an intimate way. And now I have been left for so long. I am not sure what to do at all!

I was so angry last night. At Him. I screamed and yelled with the window closed. Nothing today. My life is silent. So I will be silent. No more inner chatter. No more talking to myself out loud. I am so sad and greatly disappointed. I cannot even ask for Him anymore.

 

A Year 3, Times of Aridity

I get the message

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WOW! I was just delivered the insight as to why Red, my actual boat, came into my life 20 years later. I never understood how or why that happened. I was stumped…

In a time that marked the beginning of my dark night of the soul, it was, quite simply, a miracle. I had searched for her and searched for her of all of my life without her. I wanted my little boat back so badly. I would not buy another boat, only Red.

For that very vessel to turn up in the very state that I had moved to. On that very body of water… There is just no way, the odds don’t even apply! God was directly speaking to me. I didn’t get the message.

I wasn’t supposed to get the message until later. He was flexing His muscles, giving me proof of His existence at the time. I think. I already know He is real now, of course, but maybe I am supposed to reflect back to this experience when I feel I don’t know Him anymore. It cannot be unmade, and it cannot be doubted. Ever! It is proof that He was there, and He was communicating to me that He would hold me through all that was coming. I didn’t get the message.

The dark night did not take my sanity, or my life. It was necessary for me to get here. I get the message now.

Letters to The Divine, The Dark Night of the soul, Times of Aridity

Anguish

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My soul hurts.

I feel so beaten down by what I just went through. I cannot get the connection I need. I am despondent.

As I feel like a lost and lonely child, I think of Him as a father today, not a lover. I am so small.

I am in so much pain. I don’t know where my spirit will go if I am alone for good now. The depression is real.

I don’t know what I did. What was it exactly… I am given no direction.

So, like a child I will hide under the covers until the monsters are gone. Until He comes and soothes my aching heart. Prove to me His protection.

Father, I hurt so badly. Just give me one day, one moment, to know you are still here with me.

Angels, Times of Aridity

My Cross to Bear

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It has now been two months to the day of when I last felt any type of sweetness in prayer in my life, and as I said, I am having to force myself to write here. I keep trying to simply live my life and be a good person, but that is all I am capable of right now. This could be because of the cross that was placed on my back at the same time. I now fully understand what that means.

When I think that God and my angel have faded into the background and left me alone, I have to reflect upon what has been given to me. For me to handle the insurmountable truth of what is going on now, can only be described, or explained as grace. I am able to support and overlook the outlandish behavior of bodily mutilation, that I can only assume offends Our Creator in the most extreme way. I am wrong about that. He would not encourage me if it were true. Once again, it is something I cannot explain, and I should not be trying to figure out.

But now I bear a cross. I was trying to figure out why meditating on The Passion was so important. Maybe to understand Christ’s sacrifice and faith, but it didn’t make sense to me. It also never made sense as to why the mystics and saints of old were adamant that the bearing of one’s own cross was necessary. The only reason I have come up with, is that I can only do one thing- ask for help. And it’s not even needing help, but a complete takeover of my problem that has me balanced on the precipice of total failure.

Turn it over. I was reminded of what that means. It is not an ask for support. It is not asking for a hand to hold, or to speak with His voice. It is asking for total detachment. An, “I cannot handle even one percent of this. I need You to take ALL of it.” A, “You give me my cross, and I will now carry it, but insulate me entirely from the emotional breakdown that this will cause me.” ” My soul cannot handle it just yet.” “I will fail.”

That is all I can do. I feel like I am drifting in a fog and will still ask for Divine consolations, and for my angel to speak to me. I can feel him standing behind me, as he seems to like to do. I can even feel a human warmth coming off him. He is not distant, but silent. I believe that as long he is there I have the strength to continue. Thank you Auriel.

Angels, The Fallen One, Times of Aridity

Challenging the Divine

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I have been suffering, actually suffering, and alone for these past three weeks. Ever since I told my secret, that, coming out like a plague, affecting another on such a serious and painful level, I hurt. I want it to go away, to the extent of yelling at God and my angel last night before bed. I wished them both to leave me.

Challenging the Divine is a huge mistake. I cowered as my own words poured forth, but like vomiting up a storm, I could not stop it. I do not feel abandoned however today. I feel my angel waiting patiently for me to come around. I also do not feel any repercussions for behaving like a total ass.

My thoughts on the Divine are that He is removed most of the time. I do not know what we look like to Him, meaning, are we worthy of compassion, or best left to our own demise. We cannot possibly turn His head as individuals. I believe we are individually a part of the whole of what He has created. This thought makes me think that too much defiance of the one can lead to utter destruction of the whole. Maybe we are left to our choices. I hope not. That would mean we are on our way out already.

* Again, the bold italics above are almost written by the fallen one. They are totally untrue. And, how ironic that I titled it, “Challenging the Divine”

Author's Notes, Times of Aridity
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“For, even though they keep falling, there is one sign that the Lord has been with them- namely, the speed with which they rise again.”

– St. Theresa of Avila

Times of Aridity, Year Two

I cannot say what this may mean

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August was the month I felt Him leave. Although it was gradual, in His own merciful way, the entire month was dry. I waited. I waited some more, but by the end of September I realized things had changed.

It has now been a little over three months since I felt the great Divine Comfort of having Him in my life every day. The entire month of July was a sort of paradise despite the addition of the fanatic writing I had to do to keep up. I didn’t want to lose anything.

It is hard not to be fearful right now. It is hard not to be lost. I am confused. I am doubting my own experiences, even though I have these pages to refer to. I feel like I need more and more definitions.

I’d like to let it go, and let God flow back into my life unannounced and when I least expect it. I know I cannot summon Him, no matter what I do, or how great a cause I adhere myself to for His sake.

I wish I had some words that could cling to these pages with great tenacity right now, something like, “I will never leave you Lord” but that is just not the case. It is now that I understand the need for a spiritual advisor, and if I could ask of one other thing from Him it would be for that.

I believe, with great regret, that these entries may be coming to an end for some time. I am not inconsolable but just a step back from it. My sadness, and the pain in my heart is very real today. Please don’t let it be so…

The Fallen One, Times of Aridity, Year Two

Totally Alone

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I have prayed for a day, just one day please, for me to feel the grace He has given me in the past. I need to feel held again. Darkness is whispering to me that I need people in my life again. That’s where loneliness stems from.

I will sit in silence and in prayer. I will continue to ask. Theresa of Avila says we should ask, it just needs to be with humility, an understanding that none of us deserve what we ask for. That is easy for me today. I feel I have fallen so far. I am saddened by this.

Please, please come back Lord.

1 Year Anniversary, Times of Aridity

Time

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I have been thinking that it has been a year. It has been two. The year is just what I have known. It has been what I can reflect upon, but the guidance started when I moved. It only took a few weeks until my debilitating pain subsided and I was able to move again. That was a big thing since I could not walk for a year. So January of 2024 I was mostly healed. It was then that I first felt the Divine in my life. The two months that followed I can only describe as pure bliss. When I was struck with the news my son brought to the table, I did spiral, however I felt a sense of calm that I could not explain. I interacted with others from that state of mind. That was in April.

I remember the madness. I thought I would need to be voluntarily committed. I sat by the window upstairs and was convinced that either aliens had invaded the planet or that the world was ending. The feeling was insurmountable, but then I started to change once again. It wasn’t until then, that after the second time of a major spiritual intervention, I started to question. That is when the first year came to a close. It is when I read the book of St. John of the Cross- The Dark Night of the Soul. Then I got answers. I was astounded, and I still am. That was my first realization what had happened to me was real, or so I think.

2025 was a time to myself. I needed that. I have made the mistake in thinking that it all began there, but I have had time to reflect and realize the major shift, the time of great healing actually started the year before. It started so gently, as if I would fear the presence of such sublime love that I was approached like a skittish deer. I am glad that my soul is strengthened.

As I have said, I am feeling alone now. I don’t like it one bit. But because I know that He will come back, however long I must wait, and that I am not being punished, I will wait. That is just what my angel said to me two nights ago. “Wait.”