August was the month I felt Him leave. Although it was gradual, in His own merciful way, the entire month was dry. I waited. I waited some more, but by the end of September I realized things had changed.
It has now been a little over three months since I felt the great Divine Comfort of having Him in my life every day. The entire month of July was a sort of paradise despite the addition of the fanatic writing I had to do to keep up. I didn’t want to lose anything.
It is hard not to be fearful right now. It is hard not to be lost. I am confused. I am doubting my own experiences, even though I have these pages to refer to. I feel like I need more and more definitions.
I’d like to let it go, and let God flow back into my life unannounced and when I least expect it. I know I cannot summon Him, no matter what I do, or how great a cause I adhere myself to for His sake.
I wish I had some words that could cling to these pages with great tenacity right now, something like, “I will never leave you Lord” but that is just not the case. It is now that I understand the need for a spiritual advisor, and if I could ask of one other thing from Him it would be for that.
I believe, with great regret, that these entries may be coming to an end for some time. I am not inconsolable but just a step back from it. My sadness, and the pain in my heart is very real today. Please don’t let it be so…