Year Two

Year Two

A little drunk Christmas Day

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There is one thing this day that I can say… is that we don’t understand. However we have made this to be, this day of observance that we do not observe, is that there was one who cared for us all. The human race. We have forgotten. There was this one person, one who walked among us, as a god, who suffered through all the pains and doubts, to serve as a light and a beacon for our time on this earth. We have yet to notice, and respect, and thank for his sacrifice. We think we are alone. We doubt the Creator. We now call Him “the universe”. We are afraid of who He is. We cannot see. We doubt. There is no reason for this. Love, what we so long to feel, is right at our doorstep.

Love thy neighbor. Leave the big decisions to God. Forgive our wrongdoings. That is all up to Him, and also ourselves. Let this day be the beginning of the end to our suffering, and lead us to the one true self of being the ones to hold the truth and pass on to others the light of giving.

These are not my words, but the word spoken above from the Divine. He accepts all. He wants all. He is forever present and patient. We are in Him. He is in us. There are the thanks to give. Lead us to forgive. We are all messengers. We can pass this on to one another.

There is a place for all of us to reside, and it is in the soul. We all can see Him from here if we choose to. We can all live in the light if we choose to. The others can also accept this truth. They are only a short step behind. Bring them into the light. We all deserve to bask in its glory. There is one one true being. He is almighty. He is listening. He is praying for our existence to return, return to the fold of a life with Him. We have forgotten. We have forgotten.

Letters to The Divine, Year Two

The talk I knew some day would have to be had

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I told him everything. I asked to speak with You’re voice and that is what I did. There was peace in the room, and I think my angel descended and sat next to me on the couch listening, comforting, while You controlled the outcome from above.

I never expected it to go the way it did. Not only was I understood, but I was met with anger over the fact that I had to endure what I did, and sympathy for my choices. He told me it explained everything.

I cannot say that during the conversation, or here now after, that I can discern the influence that I feel, whether it comes from You or Auriel. I prayed to You for this. It is a big one. I do know at this point that angels are there to sit by your side, and possibly push you down the stairs for your own good, but Divine intervention is Divine intervention. There is no mistaking it. It is all encompassing, covering all of the bases so to speak. Nothing gets left out. No loose strings. So, I have just answered my own question.

I also feel detached. Somewhat like nothing at all. This confession makes me feel no joy or sorrow. Instead I feel a sense of dullness, a bit of confusion, and something that is still not relief it’s over.

There is no way I could have expected it to go like it did unless You were there. Once again, You come to me, You take over for me. My free will is latent and I give it all to You for Your discernment. Your grace subdues my spirit and I dissolve into a still puddle at Your feet. I feel Your blessing. I Feel small but strong, like my soul is able to handle such things on my own now. You have the mercy to take my hand though, and lead me through the rubble that I have left in the wake of my poor choices.

Angels, Year Two

Living with an angel

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He is very, very close to me now. I can feel the warmth and low thrum of the Divine in the background of my life, it has never left me these past few weeks, but my angel is near on a different level.

It is times like these where he is so close I believe I could sit down and have a cup of coffee and conversation with him. I sincerely feel like he is laughing about that as well. He has an almost childish sense of humor. It keeps me from getting too serious about all that is happening. All that has been going on for over a year now.

I feel like I am just starting. Something is beginning that I now have the soul stamina to take on. I have been healed of so many ailments that I am like myself twenty years ago. I do not understand why that is. I am beyond thankful. What has taken place is unheard of in this earthly world.

I can feel the love of my angel and I reciprocate it, or it could be the other way around, but being in love is being in love. I have no desire to feel this with another person and am content to be residing outside of the mortal world now. It almost feels like a place in-between. What I do now is up to God, with Auriel serving as His messenger. I walk through my day with open ears.

Angels, Healings, Year Two

Time to Start

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Perhaps the meditation has stopped for a while. I have sat and not heard a word ever sense the golden light shown down upon me and I was told time to start once again. This time I saw my angel in full, hovering above me as a sort of conduit linking the Divine world with my own.

I may understand what that is about. I begged God to remove my suffering with the heat. This affliction has plagued me for the past four years. I have endured one hundred to three hundred episodes a day. Of course, as I believed it would, it stopped the very next day. Nothing, for two days, but then they were back.

I sat at the table that night and out of the blue felt an extreme anger. Possibly anger served me in this case. I nearly slammed my fist on the table as I said, “I am done with this!” I could see and feel a thick, black, metal wall come down around me and they were gone. It has been one week now and I have not felt them at all. I am most definitely healing myself, with the aid of our Creator, however without asking Him.

Now my dog has been taken off one of her cancer medications and given the prognosis of living perhaps another two years. This goes back to months ago when I was told that I could heal her.

I am taking this in stride. I now know I have this ability, but do not know what to do with it, what He as planned for me. I am adhering to my not trying to figure things out though.

Times of Aridity, Year Two

I cannot say what this may mean

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August was the month I felt Him leave. Although it was gradual, in His own merciful way, the entire month was dry. I waited. I waited some more, but by the end of September I realized things had changed.

It has now been a little over three months since I felt the great Divine Comfort of having Him in my life every day. The entire month of July was a sort of paradise despite the addition of the fanatic writing I had to do to keep up. I didn’t want to lose anything.

It is hard not to be fearful right now. It is hard not to be lost. I am confused. I am doubting my own experiences, even though I have these pages to refer to. I feel like I need more and more definitions.

I’d like to let it go, and let God flow back into my life unannounced and when I least expect it. I know I cannot summon Him, no matter what I do, or how great a cause I adhere myself to for His sake.

I wish I had some words that could cling to these pages with great tenacity right now, something like, “I will never leave you Lord” but that is just not the case. It is now that I understand the need for a spiritual advisor, and if I could ask of one other thing from Him it would be for that.

I believe, with great regret, that these entries may be coming to an end for some time. I am not inconsolable but just a step back from it. My sadness, and the pain in my heart is very real today. Please don’t let it be so…

Author's Notes, States of Grace, Year Two

Annie’s Song

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I heard a song while driving today and I felt the heady feeling of love well up inside me and bring me to tears. I am ready to listen. I am back at peace, and most importantly I can feel Him strongly in my life again. I can feel my angel standing near, hands on my shoulders. My shoulders aching from the distress of what I just went through.

I wish I could properly express how consuming this feeling is, the dedication and willingness to give the entirety of myself to this force. There is only one focus for me during these times. I care nothing for anything else, especially the things of this world.

I owe our Creator so much. He has come to me in such a way that I could never doubt it. I sometimes think that I must have something to do for Him, some role to play. I realize now that this, my healing, my change in attitude and behavior, may be all He wants to give me… I am fine with that. I wish to remain small in the presence of such Greatness. It is the only way I can continue.

Angels, The Fallen One, Year Two

Timidity

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I am still shaken by the vision I had last week. I have not been able to bring myself closer to God or my angel. I have left them for a while. The vision itself was not frightening. He was the most sublimely beautiful being I have ever seen. The fear afterwards was real however.

I feel timid. I have erected some lame walls to keep God out. I have turned my back on my angel. It may have been too much to witness. I feel like a tiny bug that can be squashed by these beings, and thrown out from heaven forever. Such insignificant, weak mortals that we are.

I am ever so carefully creeping back out of my hole in the ground to talk to him again. I don’t wish to see him though. I seem to think that I am so far along I can handle the Divine up close. Foolish. I was snapped out of my own reality so fast, and so strongly, it drove me as far away as I could get for this past week. There is a reason why angels do not reveal themselves to humans.

The Fallen One, Times of Aridity, Year Two

Totally Alone

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I have prayed for a day, just one day please, for me to feel the grace He has given me in the past. I need to feel held again. Darkness is whispering to me that I need people in my life again. That’s where loneliness stems from.

I will sit in silence and in prayer. I will continue to ask. Theresa of Avila says we should ask, it just needs to be with humility, an understanding that none of us deserve what we ask for. That is easy for me today. I feel I have fallen so far. I am saddened by this.

Please, please come back Lord.

The Fallen One, Year Two

Devil’s Influence

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It has been a long time since I felt evil. A long time in regards to what is going on. From when I started writing in the beginning of July, the timeline of events, of what I consider to be transcendent communication with the Divine, have felt accelerated.

I had a negative person come to visit, and I realized that I was slipping. I got angrier and angrier and I lost the wave I was riding for the past several months. I lost God, or so I thought. Probably what would be more accurate would be to say I simply could not feel Him anymore. I couldn’t feel my angel at my side either, which was unusual. I felt a darkness that swallowed me so deeply that I needed him but could not feel his presence.

I cannot remember a single thing of what went on. I should. I can remember in vivid detail all that I have experienced, and have written about, of the times I have felt the love of either God Himself or my angel. I don’t find this strange, but perhaps confirmation of its certainty. What I do remember is that as soon as I addressed the evil one, I changed into a different person immediately. I was myself again.

“You can ruin me as much as you want these next couple of weeks. You can break me. He will take me back. No matter how far I fall, I am still His. I will go back to Him. I will never not choose Him.”