Today I feel the love and comfort of the Divine. I asked for one day, or even one moment, to feel Him in my life once more, so lonely and bereft as I was. Tomorrow might be different, but as in last year and the year before, February 2nd is a very special day as it marks my best friend’s birthday. She died five years ago. Time stands still for this day in recognition of one of the richest souls I have ever met.
I understand what my actions have done to me over the past three months. I must seek redemption. I must never do that again. I will remember, and perhaps take a step back before I react in such a way.
This time apart from both The Creator and my angel have caused the most suffering, on the soul level, that I have felt in years. I am bearing a cross now, but I understand why that is and how it helps me along the path I have chosen to take. I understand how the pain strengthens me and brings me closer to God. It is a strange dichotomy, but it works.
The windows are open and the warm air drifts into the back of my house. Dog laying flat on the ground in the sun. I have had no desire to do anything but bask in the feeling of this divine consolation once again. This is not a sweetness. This is the real thing. The prayer of quiet. A glimpse into the fourth mansion.
It is beyond peace or grace. My heart is dilated in love, and being in love, with The One who started all of this two years ago. It is hard for me to believe that He has stayed so close for so long. I feel like I have truly joined a convent of my own making at this point. I always said… “I’m just going to become a nun.” It’s funny how the words we speak can create our own reality. Words from so, so long ago. Childhood.
I am finally here. I have arrived. I am so filled with love and blessings that I can’t wait to see what comes next. There will be suffering, obviously, but I am more useful to Him in having survived it. It does sometimes feel like that, as if my very survival is at stake, and perhaps it is. Although, St. Theresa has said that those He has chosen for this life He will not let fall. I can only hope and believe that is true for me.