The Interior Castle

States of Grace, The Interior Castle

The Prayer of Quiet

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Today I feel the love and comfort of the Divine. I asked for one day, or even one moment, to feel Him in my life once more, so lonely and bereft as I was. Tomorrow might be different, but as in last year and the year before, February 2nd is a very special day as it marks my best friend’s birthday. She died five years ago. Time stands still for this day in recognition of one of the richest souls I have ever met.

I understand what my actions have done to me over the past three months. I must seek redemption. I must never do that again. I will remember, and perhaps take a step back before I react in such a way.

This time apart from both The Creator and my angel have caused the most suffering, on the soul level, that I have felt in years. I am bearing a cross now, but I understand why that is and how it helps me along the path I have chosen to take. I understand how the pain strengthens me and brings me closer to God. It is a strange dichotomy, but it works.

The windows are open and the warm air drifts into the back of my house. Dog laying flat on the ground in the sun. I have had no desire to do anything but bask in the feeling of this divine consolation once again. This is not a sweetness. This is the real thing. The prayer of quiet. A glimpse into the fourth mansion.

It is beyond peace or grace. My heart is dilated in love, and being in love, with The One who started all of this two years ago. It is hard for me to believe that He has stayed so close for so long. I feel like I have truly joined a convent of my own making at this point. I always said… “I’m just going to become a nun.” It’s funny how the words we speak can create our own reality. Words from so, so long ago. Childhood.

I am finally here. I have arrived. I am so filled with love and blessings that I can’t wait to see what comes next. There will be suffering, obviously, but I am more useful to Him in having survived it. It does sometimes feel like that, as if my very survival is at stake, and perhaps it is. Although, St. Theresa has said that those He has chosen for this life He will not let fall. I can only hope and believe that is true for me.

Author's Notes, The Interior Castle
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It is not pride to have great desires. It is the devil who makes us think that the lives and actions of saints are to be admired but not imitated. If we do not limit our spiritual goals, we can with great confidence, little by little, reach those heights that by the grace of God many saints have reached. If they had never resolved to desire, and had never, little by little, acted upon that resolve, they would never have ascended so high.

–  Theresa of Avila

Author's Notes, The Interior Castle

A state of grace

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It has been nearly seven months since this all began. The Divine swiftly moved into my life as the Chinook Winds came to my back door. They stayed for 48 hours, which is what they normally do, and I felt emotionally and spiritually like I did twenty-five years ago. I had only felt them a few times since then. It was my dearest friend’s birthday, February 2nd, but she had died four years ago. I thought she was visiting me, and I needed it with what all I had gone through within that same time.

I didn’t know it was not going to leave… as I said, I would have started writing then, but maybe not, I had no idea what was going on. My angel clearly said to me one morning when I woke about a month ago, “Are you ready to start writing?” This was one of the several intellectual locutions that I have experienced. That definition is something I read in St. Theresa of Avila’s writings. More and more interpretations by saints totally define the times I have been overwhelmed by such things.

It’s hard for me to not feel special. After all, Theresa was adamant that these feelings of grace only last a couple of hours to a couple of days at most. I am either misinterpreting what I feel (but how can I?) or I still have an awfully big ego. I am forever drawing myself back into a state of humility and doubt because of this. However, she also stated that doubt is an insult and should not be entertained. Somehow, I am not afraid of these contradictory conclusions.

 

 

Angels, The Interior Castle

Mistaken?

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I Have taken some days off to read and reflect on my experiences. Maybe I am wrong about my angel. Maybe the feelings of peace are coming from God Himself and not from him. I was told he was an intermediary. He was there to put my fears of Our Creator in the back of my mind until I would not drag them up, not feel them anymore.

I am no longer terrified of Him. I understand that the state I was in before, the state of not feeling Him at all is fading, however, He is also fading. The loss of the sweet state of grace has me worried. What if He leaves me? What if He allows me to become the horrible version of myself that I was before? What if I am plunged back into the terrifying world that almost took my life? By my readings of the other mystics I am reassured that He will not let that happen, or not do that to me.

The more I study the more my experience is confirmed. I read, my mind wanders, then I turn a page and the words are so real that it shocks me! I am not alone in this, unfortunately the ones I can compare this to have long passed on from this world. I just keep reading, then come over here and write. I could write all day, then my mind gets exhausted and I have to stop. I am told to stop. Now that is a voice from my angel.

I now think that he is the one to speak to me verbally. He simply directs. I hear very clearly, “Stop,” “Shhh,” “It’s okay,” “Trust me…” The words are so clear, tangible, and I can feel him standing beside me when I hear them. I know that it is him. However the state of complete relaxation, the almost numbness I have felt, is still a question for me. I do know that any conversations I have running through my head are purely imagination. I also know what it feels like to have the evil one manipulating me. Although sometimes not soon enough, I still catch on.

 

Author's Notes, The Interior Castle
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Humility is the ointment for our wounds; if we have it, although perhaps He may defer His coming for a time, God, Who is our Physician, will come and heal us.

St. Teresa of Avila