States of Grace

2026, States of Grace
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What I’ve learned from the last entry:

God has made it known to me that my ideals of the book being something that I created are not to His liking. He is not angry at me, but it is not going the way He wants. I am to be Hid advocate. Visionary. I am supposed to scribe what He wants.

In order to feel Him with me so closely again. The consolations He was giving me. The Divine direction. I must become His lover once again. All eyes focused on Him. Nothing else. I am to act as an angel of His own. What they would act like. I have said before, if an angel can feel shame and supplicate before Him, why do we think we do not have to?

I still do not feel Him, but He is making Himself know to me with little nudges. I think I have healed my anger, then lose my temper. I think that I have gotten control of my addictions, then I relapse. I think I am living with grace, I fall.

That is what I have learned. I am not the one who is acting nicely. I need to remember that. So I say, “By the grace of God…”

By the grace of God, I have stopped abusing alcohol.
By the grace of God, my temper has abated.
By the grace of God, I am able to accept this.
By the grace of God, my life has finally become easy.
By the grace of God, I am forever grateful.

A Year 3, Angels, States of Grace

Put Him first

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Two days ago, when I woke, I asked my angel to help me find God again. I keep slipping, and although I don’t feel like I am drifting apart from God, I do not feel Him like I used to. I have gone back and reread everything I have written here and I realize that we were much closer back then. I want that back.

So I asked Auriel. I asked him how to get closer to The Creator once again. He told me to put Him first. Always. I thought that meant in the mornings, but I understand now it is to be applied all day long. In every action, every decision, every feeling, I can act and feel in a way to His liking. Putting God first. It is a simple, “What would He think about this?”

After, as I understood and put into place throughout my day the words that Auriel spoke to me, I felt guided by him.  He was in the forefront of my daily routine, constantly nudging me in the right direction, perhaps giving me pause to think about what I was just going to think about. This was the first time I ever prayed to Auriel. I actually asked him to tell me how he himself did it. It seemed to be okay to do so. I will pray to him again.

The feeling, what Theresa would call sweetness in devotion was back. It is such a pleasant thing to live with, and it can be lived with easily. Divine consolations on the other hand can overwhelm me into a stupor where I just want to sit all day with a blank stare on my face and feel Him. I understand how to get it back. Always, every single crossroads, no matter how small, I can stop briefly and choose my response, until it becomes automatic, and I live the peaceful existence that He gifted me with once before.

I am still so in-love with our Divine Creator.

A Year 3, States of Grace

The contradictions of consolations

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I just heard Annie’s Song again and was slid into a Divine consolation that overtook everything. These that come to me, the way He comes to me, I am unable to put into words. The feeling that is.

My heart dilated with love so much it felt like it would explode out of my chest. I had such shortness of breath, but also the feeling of breathing very deeply, it was disconcerting. Tears could not be held back. They were not tears of humility or joy. They were just unexplainable hot tears. The experience felt more pleasurable than anything I’ve ever felt, but also painful. God up close feels like that.

Anymore than that short song and I would have had to pull over. I should have pulled over. The Lord is sure pleased with that song.

Author's Notes, States of Grace
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How desirable this union! To attain it is to live in this world and the next without care of any kind. There is no secret, occult, or mysterious formula. Our whole welfare consists solely in doing the will of God. But God will not force our will. God will take only what we give. But God will not be ours entirely until we yield ourselves entirely to God.

– St. Theresa of Avila

States of Grace, The Interior Castle

The Prayer of Quiet

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Today I feel the love and comfort of the Divine. I asked for one day, or even one moment, to feel Him in my life once more, so lonely and bereft as I was. Tomorrow might be different, but as in last year and the year before, February 2nd is a very special day as it marks my best friend’s birthday. She died five years ago. Time stands still for this day in recognition of one of the richest souls I have ever met.

I understand what my actions have done to me over the past three months. I must seek redemption. I must never do that again. I will remember, and perhaps take a step back before I react in such a way.

This time apart from both The Creator and my angel have caused the most suffering, on the soul level, that I have felt in years. I am bearing a cross now, but I understand why that is and how it helps me along the path I have chosen to take. I understand how the pain strengthens me and brings me closer to God. It is a strange dichotomy, but it works.

The windows are open and the warm air drifts into the back of my house. Dog laying flat on the ground in the sun. I have had no desire to do anything but bask in the feeling of this divine consolation once again. This is not a sweetness. This is the real thing. The prayer of quiet. A glimpse into the fourth mansion.

It is beyond peace or grace. My heart is dilated in love, and being in love, with The One who started all of this two years ago. It is hard for me to believe that He has stayed so close for so long. I feel like I have truly joined a convent of my own making at this point. I always said… “I’m just going to become a nun.” It’s funny how the words we speak can create our own reality. Words from so, so long ago. Childhood.

I am finally here. I have arrived. I am so filled with love and blessings that I can’t wait to see what comes next. There will be suffering, obviously, but I am more useful to Him in having survived it. It does sometimes feel like that, as if my very survival is at stake, and perhaps it is. Although, St. Theresa has said that those He has chosen for this life He will not let fall. I can only hope and believe that is true for me.

Angels, States of Grace

The gift of angry people

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As I contemplate the mystic that I have seemingly been called to be, the dipping of my toe in reality of the earth, transforms me into someone who does not fear. I should not only forgive those who cause such a struggle for me, but thank them for their leading me to the one who God want’s to share with the rest of the world we live in. What is that? What does that look like? I, at this juncture in my life right now still do not know.

Dreams have become spiritual indicators to how far along I am, and also what I have yet to experience or need to become. I am visited by loved ones frequently and they take the pain and doubt away from my daily consciousness. When they fade, I am still left with the awareness that they have been there. They have visited me, and are somehow holding my hand along with my dear angel.

Auriel feels like he is standing near the wall in my rooms, which means I can still sense him, and even perceive what he looks like as I sort things out with my past friends and relatives. What a comfort it is to still have him here. It has been well over a year now.

Today, after having felt the wrath of another trying to intimidate me, and change my soul’s adeptness in life, I am at peace again. With the gift of clarity, and understanding why these humans repeatedly come into my life and challenge me, it feels like something has dropped off a ledge, and has left me striding into a clear distance that will one day result, once again, in leading me on my journey to the Divine.

Our Creator has not abandoned me, and my angel has reminded me of the things I must, and must not do. I have such clarity. I have a frozen will. I melt at His feet and defer to my angel’s gift of vision. Towards a finish line of sorts, I continue to re-read here, remind myself of the reality of what is happening in my life. I feel joy and contentment at that.

Author's Notes, States of Grace, Year Two

Annie’s Song

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I heard a song while driving today and I felt the heady feeling of love well up inside me and bring me to tears. I am ready to listen. I am back at peace, and most importantly I can feel Him strongly in my life again. I can feel my angel standing near, hands on my shoulders. My shoulders aching from the distress of what I just went through.

I wish I could properly express how consuming this feeling is, the dedication and willingness to give the entirety of myself to this force. There is only one focus for me during these times. I care nothing for anything else, especially the things of this world.

I owe our Creator so much. He has come to me in such a way that I could never doubt it. I sometimes think that I must have something to do for Him, some role to play. I realize now that this, my healing, my change in attitude and behavior, may be all He wants to give me… I am fine with that. I wish to remain small in the presence of such Greatness. It is the only way I can continue.

1 Year Anniversary, States of Grace

The beginning of prayer

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Last night was another night to remember. I was able to pray, and I did get through. Maybe now I know how. I did ask for something, I had to, and it was not easy to refrain from falling back on the thanks I usually give.

I want to keep the peaceful buzz I have felt for so long now. Knowing that it is not possible while here on Earth, I dream of keeping my angel near by for counsel. So I did ask, tactfully, with humility in regard to the insecurity I still hold close. I was flooded with warmth and comfort. I did not get to hold onto it for too long, but it was enough.

Today I feel the low thrum of peace. I don’t feel the need to do anything. No need to cook, or clean, or talk, think and judge. I again, could sit and simply write all day, but I don’t want to dilute this. I have nothing more to say right now.

I am grateful. I do not expect anything. I rejoice when I am blessed with His presence. I know I will not be left to fall behind.