Auriel is with me today and I feel asking me to not ask him to leave. If I allow this, our relationship to resume, I will no longer allow conversational discourse. I have always known him to be real when he speaks to me with one or two words. Never more than three. The other knowing is the strong sense of his presence. He is so calming, and right now he is near my left shoulder, looking over it at what I am typing and laughing. He loves when I write about him, indeed, inspiring me to write at great lengths at times. He wants me to draw his portrait. Honestly, I don’t think I could do him justice so I don’t, though I probably will someday relent to his insistence and do it. Perhaps he want’s to see himself as I do, appearing differently to himself in my bedroom mirror.
Now that I am reading the life of Padre Pio I have a great deal more information on angels and how to interact with them. They are there to be noticed and having a relationship with them is a good thing. This relationship does not interfere with the one we have with the Creator. It may in fact enhance it. Part of my recent understanding of this is that they were created in Divinity. They are an extension of it. They are not born with sin and the forever temptations of the evil one. I don’t know, maybe they can be tempted. I don’t believe they easily fall though. They would not want to.
I am also interested if not only they deliver messages to us from God, but from us to Him. Another thing I am thinking, but it doesn’t seem like they would have to. However, it is becoming clear to me that they are. They also pray for us. Mine must be awfully busy because I still refuse to pray for myself. I only give thanks. This is not said out of some sort of martyr-like arrogance, but shame. I was an angry, nasty person when God made Himself known to me. He lifted me up to a place so high, out of this world, away from all of the untruths, and into an utter state of bliss. That is the closest word I can call it in the human tongue. I now believe He is pleased with me if only I try to rid myself of my despicable anger and untruths.
He made me suffer though. Another thing I am very unclear about. Did I fall? Did the evil one finally get to me? Did God simply allow this to see how far I would go, or did he create the scenario Himself? Did He cause the suffering for some reason. Was this His way of getting me back. He does not give me the answer on this. I do not ask. I do not ask Him anything anymore. I only speak to him when my mind is clear. With total reverence and respect.
Our relationship has come to this. I am delighted that I can hold my center with Him. I understand that the soul suffers now when living in a state of untruth. Any one of our souls. We are living in a world of suffering and I fear we will not recover. Unless the second coming is real and this entire world is reset by Him. Maybe that will be the case.
I drew the Mystic card today, the Angel first however. I had asked Auriel what today would be about. What I should reflect upon, and as I see it always, pulling the angel card, that is him revealing himself. It’s cute. He is smiling, snickering at me. So I asked him what he wanted to communicate with me today and I got the Mystic. That is how I knew I would be writing again today. About him of course. About recanting my story that I imagined him.
I know that I crossed a line into my own world in my head. This is also when I was drinking a lot. The main reason I want to stop is because of this. It is possibly the only reason- the evil one gets in when I am in a weakened state of inebriation. I believe this is the case for anyone. Yes, this is the only reason, so when I am still allowing it into my life without going overboard, God does not pull back too much.
I have not succeeded in remaining sober, but I also have not abused the drink. I pray every night, on my knees, at the foot of my bed. Now I know why people hang crucifixes over the head of their bed, so as to look upon The Savior while praying. I still do not recognize myself as a Christian, but by no means discount who He was. I still try to wrap my head around all that He was here for. Even being raised in the Catholic church I don’t understand that one. I never did.
I feel our Lord strongly in my life today. Not an overwhelming consolation, but the sweetness it is so pleasant to live with. I truly understand now why the saints asked Him for no consolations. Not that they are terrifying as much as pleasant, which they can be, but that in basking in that glow- it is so blissful, so fulfilling, so out of this earthly realm, completely, that honestly, one would never get anything done at all. And in becoming addicted to that condition, that overwhelming feeling, it would likely only result in any other addiction once it left. This has so far been the case for me.
In limiting the feelings of totally being in-love, we can live out our lives safely, able to rely on ourselves when we forget to rely on Him. It’s like a back-up plan. Maybe we can simply remain more steady, on solid ground. I had the inspiration the other day and wrote it down. “God listens to me because I listen to Him.” no explanation needed. Not a judgement. Just balance.