I have come to realize that the book, or what I arrogantly thought should become a book, was an unhealthy distraction. It felt like I was channeling, perhaps I was, but the letting go and stopping of drinking let a window wide open for another addiction to fill its place.
I felt manic, a feeling I hate, and that went on for the entire two months that I thought I must write this down. Publish it. My humility flew out the window with the wine. It crept in again.
I have been having a hard time getting back to meditation through reading. So today I picked up St. John of the Cross, where it explained how discursive prayer, or what St. Theresa would call “mental prayer” should be discontinued as a certain point. This is only done when three signs are met. 1. The sweetness and state of grace is no longer present. 2. The disinclination that the imagination wants to fix on extraneous things. 3. A person likes to remain alone in loving awareness of God, without needing any learning or knowledge of Him. This is when one moves into contemplation.
My first inclination was to think that I was there. Why I keep assuming that I have reached such a point, relating to any experiences right now, is a problem. He is still giving me the sweetness. I feel Him in my life. This is not a state of aridity, it is simply a time for me to act with humility, accept that I am still a terrible student, and return to prayer. I tell Him I am sorry for continuing to stray.
I also, maybe through this experience, have come to the conclusion that I need to stop focusing on my angel. He is not the end goal, and I am holding myself back with trying to conjure him and feel him through my imagination. That is all it is. Yes, I do believe he is there, but my imagination creates him most of the time. God is a being that I am fearful to approach, so I have only thought of Auriel. If that is even his name.
I am almost relieved that all I need to to is go back to what I have learned and what I know. I feel cocooned once again in a fluffy cloud of cotton that I used to feel. This is a feeling from The Divine. When it comes to Him I have no doubts in these experiences and feelings that He gives me. This is a place I am looking forward to getting back to. I was distracted for four months!
I felt back in November that these entries would change or discontinue. That did happen. It was not a good thing. But I am encouraged to feel that they needed to happen in order to move on to this next phase, which is not a step up, but also not a step back, just more knowingness as to how arrogant I am. More to learn and more to apply to my future prayer. I am still just a fledgeling.