I am ready to admit to something that I have felt for a very long time… After July, when I knew for absolute certain that I was living with an angel, and that he was the one to inspire me or direct me while writing this journal, he left. July was an incredible experience. I felt singled out, like I was special. Who had an angel of God hanging out with them? That they knew of. That spoke with them. That they could feel. Yes, it was entrancing. He was intoxicating, but was it him? Maybe it was God Himself. I don’t know. What I do know is that it was so real no one could ever convince me otherwise. I am adamant about that.
What happened after though, I felt the sweet bliss fade…By the end of September I had gone two months without any feelings of grace. I knew then. I knew that time had come to an end, and a part of me couldn’t handle that. I was too hooked on the feeling I guess. I felt too special for God, or my angel to leave me. I should have just accepted that they did.
November he was back, but this is where it gets confusing. I felt my angel in the same room with me. The dining room. As I went to walk out, he stopped me. It was tangible, as those real times were before. I felt him stop me and force me to sit down and listen, which is what he said, “Listen.” I know he said that. I know he was there. When I hear one word clearly in my ear, said not in my mind but from another place in the room, I have zero uncertainty that it is him. But then, with the morning meditations, the imagination started filling in the blanks that developed over the past couple of months without him. Without God either.
I imagined what he looked like. Something that I most likely conjured up. I imagined he was with me always. I imagined he spoke to me continuously throughout the day. I spoke to him and thought I could hear his answers in a conversational way. Essentially, I had an imaginary friend. At age 50.
This continued, and has been the case since then. 5 months. Maybe I couldn’t take 5 months of loneliness. I feel today that I need to hit the reset button and that starts with some soul searching honesty. It’s embarrassing, my make believe, but the only one I have to be shamed in front of is God. That’s what happens anyway. We make fools of ourselves and He doesn’t laugh at us. He doesn’t scorn us. He simply starts from that place to move forward.
My imagination with Auriel (which is also a name I most likely made up, but I don’t know that. I did hear it spoken from across the room) led me to believe that I should start writing a book. Again, I’m just not sure about that. All I know is that I was directed to write about the 106 year old man after some time. It’s phenomenal writing. If only I could continue on that note. But how do I know that he was waking me up? I was already so involved with the made up version of him.
I have kept writing down here from time to time, “What if I’m wrong about all this?” There is certainty of what happened in the beginning, also on February 2nd, and the month of July… but then… I believe in all honesty, because I keep questioning, that what took place after my July writings with Auriel has not been real. There were a couple of times I know he was in my life, but only those few.
I need to be strong and not waver in this understanding, that this has been all made up by myself for over a half a year. I am chagrined. My admission, at this point makes me feel week, but that being the case allows for The Divine to flood in again. I am so embarrassed. They must know that this happens to humans though, both my angel and The Creator. I must clear my mind, ask God to silence my inner voice, and still my imagination. That way I can get back to Him. The one who I have been afraid of, which is why I made up a false relationship with an angel to begin with. My relationship is supposed to be with Him. He is so patient with me…
I can still believe in Auriel, even what I have made up that he looks like. I still know that he is there with me. He told me so, in the beginning, and these words I know to have come from the source and believe them. Conversations and visionary imaginings however I must put aside, draw back from, the confusion is only keeping me further away from The Divine. It is time I meet with Him personally, not through my angel. It is time…