I’m very, very dizzy now. Thank’s Auriel. I know I asked for help with writing “A Very Secret Gift” but now I feel I can’t even go walk the dog.
Angels
The second sign is a great calm and a devout and peaceful recollection which dwell in the soul together with a desire to praise God. They say that communications, at any rate in this mansion are not uttered directly by God but are transmitted by an angel.
– St. Theresa of Avila
Feeling peace, feeling grace
What is the difference between connecting with the Divine and connecting with my angel? I should write about this. I will need to remember it some day. I hope I don’t.
My first encounter with my angel was straightforward. It was as if… when you’re in a natural state, and your eyes are closed, you can still feel if a person were to walk up and stand behind you. Like when you wake up in the morning, and before you open your eyes you know the person who fell asleep next to you is still there. It was tranquil. It was light. It was an understanding, but the feeling of peace was separate from me. There was a dividing line. Even though I could almost feel his breath on my neck, the air was mine itself, and his for himself.
Things are quite different with the Divine. I said before that it was frightening. It still can be, but I am starting to grasp what the relationship is. I don’t feel like He is always watching, even though I am told He is. He feels distant until He doesn’t. It’s odd, it seems as though He sits back and allows His angel to handle things until the moment that I am supposed to understand. It feels random. I don’t understand.
When He decides to step into my world, I feel heady, numb, cloudy and confused. We are completely blended, overlapping to where I cannot find any edges at all. I feel very strongly in love. At that time, I can offer myself up to do anything for Him. I would gladly die for Him, but that is just to keep the feeling. I know I am not anywhere near the sort of faith that statement requires. The feeling is so sublime though it’s addictive. I believe anyone would do anything to experience it.
It is important to make this one distinction though, the real difference between angels and the Divine, how I know what I am writing to be true. When my angel decides, or may be told to leave my side for a while, I simply feel him retreat into the background. What I need to convey, is that if I choose to address him, if I ask anything of him, although he may or may not answer me at that time, he is available. He is still near.
However, when God retreats, I am left in so much pain, and worry, and self-doubt that I feel madness inside. I have to console myself with reading what others have told me, 15th century monks and nuns who have logged their knowledge on the subject. I try to be strong, but I end up begging my angel to comfort me and tell me everything is alright. He reassures me. Again, close by, the difference between the two.
I may be completely off about this. This might be all in my imagination, but I have to write it down. Maybe some day it will all make sense to me. For now, I at least know what to do. I ask my angel for help, for practical things. I ask forgiveness of God. I thank my angel for being there. I supplicate before the Divine for even turning His eye upon me.
Mistaken?
I Have taken some days off to read and reflect on my experiences. Maybe I am wrong about my angel. Maybe the feelings of peace are coming from God Himself and not from him. I was told he was an intermediary. He was there to put my fears of Our Creator in the back of my mind until I would not drag them up, not feel them anymore.
I am no longer terrified of Him. I understand that the state I was in before, the state of not feeling Him at all is fading, however, He is also fading. The loss of the sweet state of grace has me worried. What if He leaves me? What if He allows me to become the horrible version of myself that I was before? What if I am plunged back into the terrifying world that almost took my life? By my readings of the other mystics I am reassured that He will not let that happen, or not do that to me.
The more I study the more my experience is confirmed. I read, my mind wanders, then I turn a page and the words are so real that it shocks me! I am not alone in this, unfortunately the ones I can compare this to have long passed on from this world. I just keep reading, then come over here and write. I could write all day, then my mind gets exhausted and I have to stop. I am told to stop. Now that is a voice from my angel.
I now think that he is the one to speak to me verbally. He simply directs. I hear very clearly, “Stop,” “Shhh,” “It’s okay,” “Trust me…” The words are so clear, tangible, and I can feel him standing beside me when I hear them. I know that it is him. However the state of complete relaxation, the almost numbness I have felt, is still a question for me. I do know that any conversations I have running through my head are purely imagination. I also know what it feels like to have the evil one manipulating me. Although sometimes not soon enough, I still catch on.
Shhh… That is all I hear from him when I need it, when I need him.
Shhh…
Yes, this is happening
July 17th, 2025
I know now why I am writing. I need to remember. I need proof, at least to myself, that these things are happening and are not usual. I have dark thoughts ever since I felt alone a few weeks ago. I know I am safe, but they are disturbing and I want them gone.
I stand in the shower and question my sanity again. What if this is all an illusion? A fantasy? What if I have simply lost my mind? I thought I had before, that was when I met my angel. At that point, either I was going into a facility for others to take care of me, or he was going to take care of me. That was his decision anyway.
I know he is not, nor has ever been, my guardian angel. He made it quite clear at that moment, standing beside me at my nightstand, that he was there for me right then. He was sent at that very moment to intervene.
I think about confiding in someone, meaning a spiritual guide, but I fear I will be met with opposition. Anyone I told this to would think I’m delusional, and anyone who has experienced this sort of thing might compete with me, saying their experience was more real, more intense, more personal, and then I would know they were caught up in their own illusion that had nothing to do with me and nothing to do with God.
Why do I think these things? I am no expert on any of this and I am just writing to myself. But today… today I felt it again, the state of grace. I’m not sure if I was feeling the Divine or my angel’s presence, but someone was eclipsing the most recent fears I struggle with, and letting me know that sometimes I am walking near to the other side.
Tears of Relief
July 16th, 2025
I, again, am so overwhelmed with this experience I spill tears upon my desk. It rains and rains outside. This is a place that never sees rain. I think it may be your tears, witnessing my freedom, and spilling relief over something you feel responsible for.
Grief. I feel it. I think to say “You are not responsible,” but you take on the burden like a dear friend who vowed to look out for me and failed. It’s okay. As I heard before on my father’s deathbed – him comforting an angel – “It’s okay…”