Angels

Angels, Meditation

Do not be afraid of your angel

Posted on

I am being told to get close to my angel once again. I still feel like I should keep a distance from him even though I know what happened to be a trick. He was sent to intervene and since I have felt the openness, willingness to understand, and love in my heart, I have been under the impression that his mission is accomplished. I am making the mistake thinking because of this that he will go, or I should let him go.

My healing and understanding may be a part of my daily life now, and I am one step further, but now I am supposed to listen, as I was told by him. He also said, “Time to start.” I forgot. I have been afraid of him since I was deceived by the great deceiver. I can only guess that his words mean he will be teaching me. I, again, in fear of offending God have ignored this. But if I am to respect this gift from the Lord Himself, a gift of one of His own, I should stop trying to control the situation with my human will. So I will do that. Angels are messengers after all.

I can listen to Auriel closely and hear him clearly from time to time. If not aloud, then in my mind, as a thought or feeling. I sometimes think they are words in my imagination and have to use discernment, but even though I may feel that way, I can either stop the communication or continue. He is happy this morning that I have realized this. Not the clever, humorous way that he has laughed about it in the past, but a peaceful and satisfied way. Contented.

As I said before, I believe this time of year is a special place reserved for myself and The Divine to speak clearly. This is the third year. I can feel consolations bestowed upon me and am grateful. I remind myself to be humble and undemanding. I am so relieved however, to have help in carrying my cross and feel the peace once again. I now think this is Auriel’s job, or responsibility, and have to focus on him, work with him, and thank him.

Angels, Times of Aridity

My Cross to Bear

Posted on

It has now been two months to the day of when I last felt any type of sweetness in prayer in my life, and as I said, I am having to force myself to write here. I keep trying to simply live my life and be a good person, but that is all I am capable of right now. This could be because of the cross that was placed on my back at the same time. I now fully understand what that means.

When I think that God and my angel have faded into the background and left me alone, I have to reflect upon what has been given to me. For me to handle the insurmountable truth of what is going on now, can only be described, or explained as grace. I am able to support and overlook the outlandish behavior of bodily mutilation, that I can only assume offends Our Creator in the most extreme way. I am wrong about that. He would not encourage me if it were true. Once again, it is something I cannot explain, and I should not be trying to figure out.

But now I bear a cross. I was trying to figure out why meditating on The Passion was so important. Maybe to understand Christ’s sacrifice and faith, but it didn’t make sense to me. It also never made sense as to why the mystics and saints of old were adamant that the bearing of one’s own cross was necessary. The only reason I have come up with, is that I can only do one thing- ask for help. And it’s not even needing help, but a complete takeover of my problem that has me balanced on the precipice of total failure.

Turn it over. I was reminded of what that means. It is not an ask for support. It is not asking for a hand to hold, or to speak with His voice. It is asking for total detachment. An, “I cannot handle even one percent of this. I need You to take ALL of it.” A, “You give me my cross, and I will now carry it, but insulate me entirely from the emotional breakdown that this will cause me.” ” My soul cannot handle it just yet.” “I will fail.”

That is all I can do. I feel like I am drifting in a fog and will still ask for Divine consolations, and for my angel to speak to me. I can feel him standing behind me, as he seems to like to do. I can even feel a human warmth coming off him. He is not distant, but silent. I believe that as long he is there I have the strength to continue. Thank you Auriel.

Angels, The Fallen One

The Con

Posted on

This is the first time I have come to write and have no voice. It feels I have nothing to say. I know that is not true. Just like I know it is not true that God has left, or that my angel is not nearby. I have been conned by the best con-artist in history, and I have to give credit where credit is due… He is good.

I was tripped up seven weeks ago. It was as simple as someone yelling at me and my reacting poorly and without grace. Just a tiny crack in my foundation. It went on from there- a conversation, causing pain to another inadvertently, the holidays, and finally the lunch.

I crumbled. It got very dark. However, these things I can wrap my head around, but when he appeared as an angel of light, my angel, I knew something was wrong. Very, very, wrong. I kept saying to Auriel, “You are not behaving like yourself” as he continued to badger me with seduction and human intimacies. I knew something was wrong but I let it happen. I gave in for three days. Then things got even more surreal when I thought he had been taken from me for good as a punishment. I begged God to give him back. When he did, he was beaten badly and nearly dead, or so it appeared to me. Then I knew. The Creator would not do that to an angel.

So I woke up. I still feel dull. I have to force myself to write. The devil had hold of me for some time and I feel drained. Completely drained, and suspended in muddy water. I read somewhere that the only thing to do when in this state is resume prayer, which I have left behind for the same amount of time. I unfortunately, and unknowingly, prayed to the evil one himself on one occasion.

I look forward to the state of grace and any Divine consolations I may receive after this ordeal. I know they are not to be expected, but there is also a balance that needs to be restored. It has to. It’s the law of nature.

I will wait for You. Thank You for the sight, the knowing, and the strength to make it out of the hell that was delivered to me. I know You have not abandoned me. I know I still have my angel. He will most likely speak to me soon, as he did two weeks ago in the shower. “He wants you” At the time, I believed he meant You Lord. Now I can see I was wrong about that. He spoke of the fallen one.

Angels, The Fallen One
Posted on

He want’s you… That is what you told me.
I know…
I know…

Angels, The Fallen One, Times of Aridity

Challenging the Divine

Posted on

I have been suffering, actually suffering, and alone for these past three weeks. Ever since I told my secret, that, coming out like a plague, affecting another on such a serious and painful level, I hurt. I want it to go away, to the extent of yelling at God and my angel last night before bed. I wished them both to leave me.

Challenging the Divine is a huge mistake. I cowered as my own words poured forth, but like vomiting up a storm, I could not stop it. I do not feel abandoned however today. I feel my angel waiting patiently for me to come around. I also do not feel any repercussions for behaving like a total ass.

My thoughts on the Divine are that He is removed most of the time. I do not know what we look like to Him, meaning, are we worthy of compassion, or best left to our own demise. We cannot possibly turn His head as individuals. I believe we are individually a part of the whole of what He has created. This thought makes me think that too much defiance of the one can lead to utter destruction of the whole. Maybe we are left to our choices. I hope not. That would mean we are on our way out already.

* Again, the bold italics above are almost written by the fallen one. They are totally untrue. And, how ironic that I titled it, “Challenging the Divine”

Angels, The Fallen One

The New Year (How the evil one got in)

Posted on

I had to ask this morning. Although the holidays are always a small hell for me, this year was one of the worst. So I asked, prayed for myself. I needed some direction as to what I did, or what I needed to do to end my suffering and apologize to my God. It had been two weeks since the altercation that made me lose my center. I do not know why I hesitate, but it is so rare that I pray for something for myself. I believe at this point that I can see so many of my errors and general misgivings that I don’t feel worthy of even asking. Doing so makes me fearful actually.

I remembered today that this is what Auriel came for. It has been a year and a half since he stood by my side in the bedroom and told me this. I still fear the Creator though. Don’t get me wrong, I feel His love and love Him back, but I still remember my trial, for lack of a better word, that lasted four years and almost killed me. Maybe the fear is useful. I believe it is, and from what I have read, it serves a purpose to keep me from falling back into old destructive ways. I need to learn that praying for myself is not something to fear. After all, when I do ask, I feel as though I understand something, and His simple grace is at work in my life again, holding me up.

I have felt an angel in my life for such a long time, such a consistently long time, that I feel I should know these things better by now. I should somehow be more adept at it. Maybe I rely too much on him. These beings though, are so far above any understanding, there is no way to grasp why their devotion exists. We as humans always want to get something out of a relationship in return, but they are just here to serve, love, guide, love again. It is baffling.

I can think of him when I go to sleep at night and still feel the sensation of him lying next to me. I don’t ever want that to stop, for him to ever go away, but I have learned not to test the Divine so I don’t even think it. As if I can hide it from God. I generally rest in my ability to discern what I should be doing and should not be doing and take that into every day, one foot in front of the other so to speak. It seems to be enough.

* The above in bold italics is how he, the evil one, got in! 

Angels, States of Grace

The gift of angry people

Posted on

As I contemplate the mystic that I have seemingly been called to be, the dipping of my toe in reality of the earth, transforms me into someone who does not fear. I should not only forgive those who cause such a struggle for me, but thank them for their leading me to the one who God want’s to share with the rest of the world we live in. What is that? What does that look like? I, at this juncture in my life right now still do not know.

Dreams have become spiritual indicators to how far along I am, and also what I have yet to experience or need to become. I am visited by loved ones frequently and they take the pain and doubt away from my daily consciousness. When they fade, I am still left with the awareness that they have been there. They have visited me, and are somehow holding my hand along with my dear angel.

Auriel feels like he is standing near the wall in my rooms, which means I can still sense him, and even perceive what he looks like as I sort things out with my past friends and relatives. What a comfort it is to still have him here. It has been well over a year now.

Today, after having felt the wrath of another trying to intimidate me, and change my soul’s adeptness in life, I am at peace again. With the gift of clarity, and understanding why these humans repeatedly come into my life and challenge me, it feels like something has dropped off a ledge, and has left me striding into a clear distance that will one day result, once again, in leading me on my journey to the Divine.

Our Creator has not abandoned me, and my angel has reminded me of the things I must, and must not do. I have such clarity. I have a frozen will. I melt at His feet and defer to my angel’s gift of vision. Towards a finish line of sorts, I continue to re-read here, remind myself of the reality of what is happening in my life. I feel joy and contentment at that.

Angels, Meditation

Day 11 ~ The Library

Posted on

We met in the library today. I followed him through a door into a beautiful rotunda. There were so many books. It was such a peaceful place to be. My angel perused a number of volumes and offered me one to read. I thought, what a wonderful way for him to communicate his wishes to me. So literal.

As I sat silencing my imagination, memory, and intellect, I was awarded the bluish smoke behind my eyes that I saw months ago when he revealed himself to me. I could see him wearing his comical mask and asked him to remove it for me. He did. He seemed younger today. His hair slightly shorter. He is forever changing, just a little, here and there. I don’t know why that is, other than it keeping me curious.

I am still trying to get myself together with addictions and general weakness in being restrained by earthly demands. I wanted him to give me something for it. He slowly approached me straight on and held out his hand which cupped a tiny, clear, golden pill. I picked it up and swallowed it. He smiled his clever grin, turned and walked away. We had spent an hour together in that library.

Angels

Living with an angel

Posted on

He is very, very close to me now. I can feel the warmth and low thrum of the Divine in the background of my life, it has never left me these past few weeks, but my angel is near on a different level.

It is times like these where he is so close I believe I could sit down and have a cup of coffee and conversation with him. I sincerely feel like he is laughing about that as well. He has an almost childish sense of humor. It keeps me from getting too serious about all that is happening. All that has been going on for over a year now.

I feel like I am just starting. Something is beginning that I now have the soul stamina to take on. I have been healed of so many ailments that I am like myself twenty years ago. I do not understand why that is. I am beyond thankful. What has taken place is unheard of in this earthly world.

I can feel the love of my angel and I reciprocate it, or it could be the other way around, but being in love is being in love. I have no desire to feel this with another person and am content to be residing outside of the mortal world now. It almost feels like a place in-between. What I do now is up to God, with Auriel serving as His messenger. I walk through my day with open ears.

Angels

Time to Start

Posted on

Perhaps the meditation has stopped for a while. I have sat and not heard a word ever sense the golden light shown down upon me and I was told time to start once again. This time I saw my angel in full, hovering above me as a sort of conduit linking the Divine world with my own.

I may understand what that is about. I begged God to remove my suffering with the heat. This affliction has plagued me for the past four years. I have endured one hundred to three hundred episodes a day. Of course, as I believed it would, it stopped the very next day. Nothing, for two days, but then they were back.

I sat at the table that night and out of the blue felt an extreme anger. Possibly anger served me in this case. I nearly slammed my fist on the table as I said, “I am done with this!” I could see and feel a thick, black, metal wall come down around me and they were gone. It has been one week now and I have not felt them at all. I am most definitely healing myself, with the aid of our Creator, however without asking Him.

Now my dog has been taken off one of her cancer medications and given the prognosis of living perhaps another two years. This goes back to months ago when I was told that I could heal her.

I am taking this in stride. I now know I have this ability, but do not know what to do with it, what He as planned for me. I am adhering to my not trying to figure things out though.