I sometimes cry when I think about You.
Author’s Notes
I love You for this. I am confused by this. Thank you for imbibing me with the patience to continue to love when the feeling is lost but not lost. Thank you for inspiring me to write this down, and giving me the voice, however incorrect, to continue.
I cannot feel You so strongly now, but I know You are there. Thank you for holding me in such a state of grace for as long as You have. Even if I feel alone right now I will not be frightened. I will not forget my path. I will not turn away from You. I will never stop loving You.
If you lack faith in humanity, you lack faith in yourself.
It feels like being in love. That is the closest thing I can compare it to. Being close to the Divine is like giving yourself to someone else without even questioning it.
A state of grace
It has been nearly seven months since this all began. The Divine swiftly moved into my life as the Chinook Winds came to my back door. They stayed for 48 hours, which is what they normally do, and I felt emotionally and spiritually like I did twenty-five years ago. I had only felt them a few times since then. It was my dearest friend’s birthday, February 2nd, but she had died four years ago. I thought she was visiting me, and I needed it with what all I had gone through within that same time.
I didn’t know it was not going to leave… as I said, I would have started writing then, but maybe not, I had no idea what was going on. My angel clearly said to me one morning when I woke about a month ago, “Are you ready to start writing?” This was one of the several intellectual locutions that I have experienced. That definition is something I read in St. Theresa of Avila’s writings. More and more interpretations by saints totally define the times I have been overwhelmed by such things.
It’s hard for me to not feel special. After all, Theresa was adamant that these feelings of grace only last a couple of hours to a couple of days at most. I am either misinterpreting what I feel (but how can I?) or I still have an awfully big ego. I am forever drawing myself back into a state of humility and doubt because of this. However, she also stated that doubt is an insult and should not be entertained. Somehow, I am not afraid of these contradictory conclusions.
The second sign is a great calm and a devout and peaceful recollection which dwell in the soul together with a desire to praise God. They say that communications, at any rate in this mansion are not uttered directly by God but are transmitted by an angel.
– St. Theresa of Avila
God does answer our prayers, but sometimes the answer is no.
Does the mystic create the addict, or does the addict create the mystic?
There are situations that our soul is simply not strong enough to handle.