Letters to The Divine

A Year 3, Letters to The Divine, Times of Aridity

10 months & no sign of God

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Other than a handful of times, I have not felt the Creator in my life at all. It has been 10 months. Nearly a year and I think that when a year is up I will give up completely on Him. I’m sure I will still believe. I know He is still there. But I don’t think He wants me to be His mystic anymore. And I do know that I was. I am not mistaken. The feelings were real.

I am so confused as to why He did that to me. Shared Himself with me in such an intimate way. And now I have been left for so long. I am not sure what to do at all!

I was so angry last night. At Him. I screamed and yelled with the window closed. Nothing today. My life is silent. So I will be silent. No more inner chatter. No more talking to myself out loud. I am so sad and greatly disappointed. I cannot even ask for Him anymore.

 

Angels, Letters to The Divine
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I prayed to you last night to deliver a message to God for me. Ask Him to visit me again. It has been three months. And I don’t mean an hour or a day and then months of nothing again. I asked you to ask Him for a week. Maybe a little more. I need to be replenished. I need to feel loved. I need to be reminded, to understand, why He called me. What I am to do now.

A Year 3, Author's Notes, Letters to The Divine
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Lord forgive me. Understand. I am only human, and my failings are great. I will always fail without you.

I remember. I don’t want to have to go through it again.
Please fill my heart with the knowledge of You. Fill my life with Your grace.

Lead me. I keep falling down. Please give me strength, or at least the courage to know my own weakness, so that I may turn it over to you.

A Year 3, Letters to The Divine

Honesty

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Yes I am quite certain that The Divine was consistently in my life from Sept 2024- July 2025. This I know. It is totally clear, and this, that I have written here documents it. I find it ok to be honest. This is ok, probably for the best. Hitting the reset button. The time from Aug 1st on, has been a time alone for the most part. I don’t know why, but who am I to think that He would be gifting me with divine consolations constantly for the rest of my life. Who the heck am I?

I am reflecting on the weakness and sickness and constant pain that I suffered in Michigan. Padre Pio’s story talks about it. He was consoled by others that pain is God’s way of proving His love for us. We should be comforted and happy about it. Something about being like His only Son. I don’t understand this concept At All!

 

A Year 3, Angels, Letters to The Divine

Admission

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I am ready to admit to something that I have felt for a very long time… After July, when I knew for absolute certain that I was living with an angel, and that he was the one to inspire me or direct me while writing this journal, he left. July was an incredible experience. I felt singled out, like I was special. Who had an angel of God hanging out with them? That they knew of. That spoke with them. That they could feel. Yes, it was entrancing. He was intoxicating, but was it him? Maybe it was God Himself. I don’t know. What I do know is that it was so real no one could ever convince me otherwise. I am adamant about that.

What happened after though, I felt the sweet bliss fade…By the end of September I had gone two months without any feelings of grace. I knew then. I knew that time had come to an end, and a part of me couldn’t handle that. I was too hooked on the feeling I guess. I felt too special for God, or my angel to leave me. I should have just accepted that they did.

November he was back, but this is where it gets confusing. I felt my angel in the same room with me. The dining room. As I went to walk out, he stopped me. It was tangible, as those real times were before. I felt him stop me and force me to sit down and listen, which is what he said, “Listen.” I know he said that. I know he was there. When I hear one word clearly in my ear, said not in my mind but from another place in the room, I have zero uncertainty that it is him. But then, with the morning meditations, the imagination started filling in the blanks that developed over the past couple of months without him. Without God either.

I imagined what he looked like. Something that I most likely conjured up. I imagined he was with me always. I imagined he spoke to me continuously throughout the day. I spoke to him and thought I could hear his answers in a conversational way. Essentially, I had an imaginary friend. At age 50.

This continued, and has been the case since then. 5 months. Maybe I couldn’t take 5 months of loneliness. I feel today that I need to hit the reset button and that starts with some soul searching honesty. It’s embarrassing, my make believe, but the only one I have to be shamed in front of is God. That’s what happens anyway. We make fools of ourselves and He doesn’t laugh at us. He doesn’t scorn us. He simply starts from that place to move forward.

My imagination with Auriel (which is also a name I most likely made up, but I don’t know that. I did hear it spoken from across the room) led me to believe that I should start writing a book. Again, I’m just not sure about that. All I know is that I was directed to write about the 106 year old man after some time. It’s phenomenal writing. If only I could continue on that note. But how do I know that he was waking me up? I was already so involved with the made up version of him.

I have kept writing down here from time to time, “What if I’m wrong about all this?” There is certainty of what happened in the beginning, also on February 2nd, and the month of July… but then… I believe in all honesty, because I keep questioning, that what took place after my July writings with Auriel has not been real. There were a couple of times I know he was in my life, but only those few.

I need to be strong and not waver in this understanding, that this has been all made up by myself for over a half a year. I am chagrined. My admission, at this point makes me feel week, but that being the case allows for The Divine to flood in again. I am so embarrassed. They must know that this happens to humans though, both my angel and The Creator. I must clear my mind, ask God to silence my inner voice, and still my imagination. That way I can get back to Him. The one who I have been afraid of, which is why I made up a false relationship with an angel to begin with. My relationship is supposed to be with Him. He is so patient with me…

I can still believe in Auriel, even what I have made up that he looks like. I still know that he is there with me. He told me so, in the beginning, and these words I know to have come from the source and believe them. Conversations and visionary imaginings however I must put aside, draw back from, the confusion is only keeping me further away from The Divine. It is time I meet with Him personally, not through my angel. It is time…

 

Letters to The Divine, The Dark Night of the soul, Times of Aridity

Anguish

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My soul hurts.

I feel so beaten down by what I just went through. I cannot get the connection I need. I am despondent.

As I feel like a lost and lonely child, I think of Him as a father today, not a lover. I am so small.

I am in so much pain. I don’t know where my spirit will go if I am alone for good now. The depression is real.

I don’t know what I did. What was it exactly… I am given no direction.

So, like a child I will hide under the covers until the monsters are gone. Until He comes and soothes my aching heart. Prove to me His protection.

Father, I hurt so badly. Just give me one day, one moment, to know you are still here with me.

Angels, Letters to The Divine, The Fallen One

The Con

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This is the first time I have come to write and have no voice. It feels I have nothing to say. I know that is not true. Just like I know it is not true that God has left, or that my angel is not nearby. I have been conned by the best con-artist in history, and I have to give credit where credit is due… He is good.

I was tripped up seven weeks ago. It was as simple as someone yelling at me and my reacting poorly and without grace. Just a tiny crack in my foundation. It went on from there- a conversation, causing pain to another inadvertently, the holidays, and finally the lunch.

I crumbled. It got very dark. However, these things I can wrap my head around, but when he appeared as an angel of light, my angel, I knew something was wrong. Very, very, wrong. I kept saying to Auriel, “You are not behaving like yourself” as he continued to badger me with seduction and human intimacies. I knew something was wrong but I let it happen. I gave in for three days. Then things got even more surreal when I thought he had been taken from me for good as a punishment. I begged God to give him back. When he did, he was beaten badly and nearly dead, or so it appeared to me. Then I knew. The Creator would not do that to an angel.

So I woke up. I still feel dull. I have to force myself to write. The devil had hold of me for some time and I feel drained. Completely drained, and suspended in muddy water. I read somewhere that the only thing to do when in this state is resume prayer, which I have left behind for the same amount of time. I unfortunately, and unknowingly, prayed to the evil one himself on one occasion.

I look forward to the state of grace and any Divine consolations I may receive after this ordeal. I know they are not to be expected, but there is also a balance that needs to be restored. It has to. It’s the law of nature.

I will wait for You. Thank You for the sight, the knowing, and the strength to make it out of the hell that was delivered to me. I know You have not abandoned me. I know I still have my angel. He will most likely speak to me soon, as he did two weeks ago in the shower. “He wants you” At the time, I believed he meant You Lord. Now I can see I was wrong about that. He spoke of the fallen one.

Author's Notes, Letters to The Divine
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I dipped my toe into the world and was frightened by what I saw. It is such a terrible place to have to remain. Show me what it is You need me to be while I wait.

Author's Notes, Letters to The Divine

Divine Authority

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He is subduing me. God. My Creator. I know this because I feel nothing. I am detached from feeling. I am covered in a cloudy fog that is neither comforting or sublime. I am isolated. Insulated.

I cannot hear my angel. I do not feel his presence. I am being held by the Divine. He has hold of me. I needed to speak the words I have kept for so long. I was silent to everyone. Nobody knew. He knew. He kept my secrets.

I do not feel relief. I feel like I am floating. I do not feel comfort. I feel a thick, impenetrable battlement keeping the mortal world out. He is protecting me. Left alone here on this Earth, I am safeguarded by His authority.