There is a feeling I have inside today that I will cultivate. “I am done.” The expression has served me so well over the past couple of years. Something takes place at a cellular level with this statement. When it is made in sincerity. A cord is cut. A feeling of weightlessness takes effect. And the mind feels enlightened. There is a faint sensation of the body lifting up. A tug from deep within the solar plexus. There is a sense of relaxation after having made the decision. No continuing challenges. No white knuckling it. Something very definite has happened. When I look in the mirror I look different. I can see it in my eyes if I allow the surrendering decision to take over. Perhaps that is what it is at its core. Full on surrender. Failure and acceptance.
This will be the third time I have broken the same foot in nearly the same place. I have not walked fully on it for seven months. I am willing to be defeated at this point. The anger is not something I want to live with. Giving up however is not a solution, it’s a postponement. Humans will always take up the reins again. Just give it a little time…
What I cannot define or describe as what works is the “I am done!” statement. It feels like a contract has been signed between your soul and the Divine, or perhaps it is just between the self and your angel at the beginning. I don’t know. What I do know is that it is not actually a statement at all. Anyone of us can make grand statements. They work for a bit, fail, rinse, repeat. This is not a question of fortitude or failure though. It is a shift in consciousness. One that results in all that I mentioned above. It is surrendering to a better light. A higher level. Failing and walking away from the desire to try and fix the failure, to give it another shot.
There is something bigger at work that keeps things in motion at a level that human beings cannot conceive of. Why we insist on doing it all on our own seems like a flaw in the system. It is possible to turn over the reins and still be riding the horse so to speak. Some believe that this feeling, this being, God, is impersonal. Something mathematical. I have thought that maybe this is a way of getting out of all sorts of moral dilemmas. After all, laws are meant to be broken when it comes to human ethics. What I have experienced so far is not impersonal, it is very intimate. However today I am catching a feeling of just how vast the Divine Creator actually is, and how He can be seen as impersonal. Somehow it is both. He is both.
The choice I am making today, of giving up on something terrible for me that I can no longer keep within my control, turning it over to a God with a personality, has resulted in my ability to see the God without a personality. There is a simple system of laws that will not conform to anything other than what He has put in motion. Continuing to feed an addiction will simply do that. Feed it. Impersonal. But in finally recognizing that as a fact, a law of nature, I can resign in the knowledge of it. Then. Then. I feel the intimate God.
He is The One who is pleased with me. The One who wants to walk with me, be by my side every day. Whisper in my ear, things I don’t know and should not know. Secrets between He and I. Things, little glimpses of what I can have. Things He will give me. What I can become as long as I understand His laws, and that He is not attached emotionally to my choices, but observes them. However, when I choose well, and turn to Him once more, there is only abundant love inside of me, and an expansion of what is my self.
I don’t have to try to remember this. This feels intrinsically understood by me to the degree that it will not make sense if I lose the thread. If I drop the ball, I will be downright confused by the action itself, and possibly not even able to do it whatsoever. For some reason, I am not afraid of turning back. However, I imagine I will be holding the door wide open in the beginning, for the evil one to enter my castle and release his minions to tempt me. This is why I write all of this down, and remember Auriel. These days, I ask for his help more often, and I know he can easily hold any reptiles at bay. As I witnessed years ago, he simply stood between them and myself, his equals in the darkness, and waited until they got bored and moved on. There was no penetrating his shield.