States of Grace

I woke up early again, before dawn, and I thought, “That’s it. Today is going to be different.” This was not an inspiration. I have simply had enough of the excess, especially with how patient my angel is, and also, why at this point would I want to offend our Maker? No, I am changing. I am changing for both of them.

Yesterday I tried to do the absurd and create a timeline for the experiences I have had over the past year. The devotional sweetness. The divine consolations. The state of grace. The feeling of being in love… I struggled for nearly seven hours trying to get the technology to work. That was a perfect moment to use one of my favorite sayings, “Man plans. God laughs,” only I don’t think he plays games with us anymore. I used to think this, human life on earth, was just a big game of chess played between Himself and the devil. I have come a long way.

I’m still trying to figure out who I’m most in love with. It is so very strange to think that let alone write it down. Heaven forbid someone gets there hands on this! I think I have put it down to the best of my ability however. Those feelings stem from my awareness and total willingness to supplicate before Him, and His response of reaching out to me, or vise versa; giving me the slightest touch of a fingertip, which can sometimes feel like bliss and can sometimes feel like excruciating pain. It depends what point He is trying to make.

When I say feelings of bliss or ecstasy, I should clarify that it is much removed from physical pleasure, which is of no comparison, but it also does not reside within the mind. It cannot be described by me, and perhaps not anyone, as it is a secret communication between the soul and the Divine. That is why I am writing this, I have to, but I also have to keep it to myself.

Next month will be the one year anniversary of my awakening to the Divine and my introduction to the spiritual guide who is always at my side. Auriel. I am blessed, and blessed does not even come close to what this is. I am no longer afraid of losing touch. My knowingness comforts me when I feel Him withdraw slightly, and when my angel stands further apart from me. I know I will not sink into madness again. I am protected from that. I’m not sure where I am at on the spiritual ladder but I don’t care to know. All that matters is that I am on it. I will not step off. Not ever.

It has been nearly seven months since this all began. The Divine swiftly moved into my life as the Chinook Winds came to my back door. They stayed for 48 hours, which is what they normally do, and I felt emotionally and spiritually like I did twenty-five years ago. I had only felt them a few times since then. It was my dearest friend’s birthday, February 2nd, but she had died four years ago. I thought she was visiting me, and I needed it with what all I had gone through within that same time.

I didn’t know it was not going to leave… as I said, I would have started writing then, but maybe not, I had no idea what was going on. My angel clearly said to me one morning when I woke about a month ago, “Are you ready to start writing?” This was one of the several intellectual locutions that I have experienced. That definition is something I read in St. Theresa of Avila’s writings. More and more interpretations by saints totally define the times I have been overwhelmed by such things.

It’s hard for me to not feel special. After all, Theresa was adamant that these feelings of grace only last a couple of hours to a couple of days at most. I am either misinterpreting what I feel (but how can I?) or I still have an awfully big ego. I am forever drawing myself back into a state of humility and doubt because of this. However, she also stated that doubt is an insult and should not be entertained. Somehow, I am not afraid of these contradictory conclusions.