Month: July 2026

The early consolations were like becoming a volcano. Exploding in fire with the intensity of it, then melting into a glowing liquid unencumbered as it burns everything in its path, eventually cooling into something more reasonable, then stilling, once again solid and of the earth.

Then, again, a lifted-up explosion, a melting and flowing back down, a cooling into the earth.

Then, again…

You can see why I have described the divine consolations I received as somewhat terrifying, having not known from where, or from whom they were coming.

Samantha!

You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts.

– Kahlil Gibran

The 4th mansion state is like a dawning of a space betwixt and between. The ego illumined by faith, and the dawning of union.

– Jim Finley (TTM – Dialogue 5th Mansion)

Fullness or complete self-satisfaction in a person cannot permit love because there are no openings, no give-and-take, and no deep hunger. It is like trying to attach two inflated balloons to one another. Human vulnerability gives the soul an immense head start on its travels—maybe the only start for any true spiritual journey. God begins, with self-disclosure from the divine side, which ideally leads to self-disclosure from our side.

– Father Richard Rohr

I’m feeling a different feeling from God. I know that this is coming from the Divine, not some different place, made-up or otherwise.  I maybe understand what I am currently learning. Both John and Jim talk about how divine consolations are not to be begged for, or leaned upon as the entirety of what God is or what God want’s of us. We are left to reflect, but not to ask.

Synchronicity is heavy at work in my life right now. This is the role of the angel, however, he takes direct orders from God- I think that people don’t care for my personality; I meet three women who not only don’t notice, they connect with me and display their quirks themselves. I find myself thinking, on the way to the dentist, maybe there is nothing wrong after all; there is nothing wrong. I am simply looking for a handbag with the perfect shape; there it is. On sale no less! Some of these things mattered greatly, some did not, but more importantly the feelings I have been having need to be written about.

As I have experienced, and have had confirmed by my new teacher numerous times, divine consolations cannot be brought on by anything we do, think, or don’t do. They are a gift and maybe even a calling. God want’s me in some way, and I don’t care what way. I am holding on to what Jim repeats, the part we can keep in our daily practice – fidelity – like a marriage, which is also something he compares this to. I know what he is talking about. As he has alluded to, there are those of us who know what he is talking about, and he is mainly teaching those of us that that has happened to. We are otherwise confused.

I feel like this is something totally different than what started two years ago. When I look back upon what I have written here, and think about my actions along the way, it not only seems like it was written by a different person, but that she was so much of a beginner, so unaware, that I think I was never that person. I was though. A baby it seems…

John and Jim speak of when you give up the need for these consolations given directly and freely by God, you will feel the next phase of God’s love. I may be feeling this. The difference is in the way the love is delivered. Instead of being completely overwhelmed with incredible grace, the blissful feelings are less, allowing me to move through the day, interacting with others, rather than choosing to remain alone. I almost want to go out purposefully and greet strangers in order to pass on the love. I know they can sometimes feel it.

My spiritual directors spoke about this, and there is a reason for it. In Jim’s teachings, where he carefully guards his own experiences with the Divine, you can read between the lines when he says, “You cannot feel this way all of the time, so God withdraws delicately, otherwise you would never get anything done!” He also sometimes alludes to the bliss as libido, speaking as God, “You’re really, really into this! So, I’m gonna help you out. I’m going to remove them so you can move forward.”

That’s what is happening here. I am moving on. I feel this tiny glimmer of hope that I will once again join society. Not that I want to, but I think that is coming… not soon, but coming. Not soon because there are still many matters I have to settle with my own self. That may take years, but to feel less apprehension, less anxiety towards other humans, I feel so much more at peace.

This peace is subtle, something Jim say’s often. I thought he was speaking to the others who have not felt these things, but now I realize he is speaking to me as well. It is subtle, and not the low thrum in the background I used to feel before. No, this is upfront and personal. Not leading, but not staying in the back of my soul.

I am not about to toss out my humility and think that I have ascended to great height but maybe into the next mansion. I don’t know. I am learning more about that. I’m no longer hovering between the two, there is a difference, a concrete stepping through a door, a door being shut behind me. Still, in my daily life, the feeling of subtle love is such a love that I would give anything of me, anything at all that God would ask, and I am less afraid now, if God decides to call in this favor.

I was thinking, feeling, how hard it is for me to get to know people, and my conviction that others do not like me, so why try. Then there was Chris, the woman who owned the frame and matte shop downtown. She and I stood and talked for nearly two hours. She was animated and inspired like I used to be. Actually using the word “manic” for her behavior. It was refreshing to see someone else in this state of mind. I told her she was like how I used to be. But I was not inspired to buy a business myself, or get out there and meet people. 

As I listened to her, as we discussed things on a spiritual level, much more advanced than most, and I was so comforted that there was another who understood the things that I did. I was tired, I didn’t add much, but when I did I found myself making a few mistakes I had hoped had left my dialogue. I mentioned God. I brought up my dark night and story of Michigan, and I spoke about myself in a way that could only come across as arrogant. She didn’t seem to mind, rather continuing the conversation on spirituality, not noticing at all, so I did not realize until afterword.

I vowed to work on that. Not to mention God, or my traumatic past, and not to talk about myself. I assumed that would be difficult. However, two days later I had the owner of the gallery, another gallery, come over to my house to bring a painting for me to try over the mantel. She exuded a small bit of arrogance when she walked in the door. It was not offensive. Maybe just overconfident. She complemented me on my house, more than once, and I did not elaborate. Not a mention of my two year remodel, which only drives the point home of how much money I have. She spoke about her past, the death of her husband recently. I briefly mentioned learning to sail on the Chesapeake, what the painting reminded me of, and didn’t go on about living aboard and sailing down the East Coast singlehandedly. It was like a secret that I knew and she did not. I actually enjoyed it. Perhaps like saving a piece of me for later, as this person slowly unraveled me, as she saw fit in asking her questions about my life, which were really nonexistent.

I found that even in her doing these things, I still would go out to coffee with her. They were not character flaws, rather simple things I noticed that made her human. It was refreshing to remember that people used to come to me for counsel. Me only keeping silent, listening, and pouring forth love, compassion, and understanding. These two women were me, in a certain way, one talking about her manic behavior, the other mentioning her dog that she rescued off the side of the road. How very interesting that.

What do you do in the monastery all day? – We fall down. We get up. We fall down. We get up.

– St. Benedict