This is the first time I have come to write and have no voice. It feels I have nothing to say. I know that is not true. Just like I know it is not true that God has left, or that my angel is not nearby. I have been conned by the best con-artist in history, and I have to give credit where credit is due… He is good.
I was tripped up seven weeks ago. It was as simple as someone yelling at me and my reacting poorly and without grace. Just a tiny crack in my foundation. It went on from there- a conversation, causing pain to another inadvertently, the holidays, and finally the lunch.
I crumbled. It got very dark. However, these things I can wrap my head around, but when he appeared as an angel of light, my angel, I knew something was wrong. Very, very, wrong. I kept saying to Auriel, “You are not behaving like yourself” as he continued to badger me with seduction and human intimacies. I knew something was wrong but I let it happen. I gave in for three days. Then things got even more surreal when I thought he had been taken from me for good as a punishment. I begged God to give him back. When he did, he was beaten badly and nearly dead, or so it appeared to me. Then I knew. The Creator would not do that to an angel.
So I woke up. I still feel dull. I have to force myself to write. The devil had hold of me for some time and I feel drained. Completely drained, and suspended in muddy water. I read somewhere that the only thing to do when in this state is resume prayer, which I have left behind for the same amount of time. I unfortunately, and unknowingly, prayed to the evil one himself on one occasion.
I look forward to the state of grace and any Divine consolations I may receive after this ordeal. I know they are not to be expected, but there is also a balance that needs to be restored. It has to. It’s the law of nature.
I will wait for You. Thank You for the sight, the knowing, and the strength to make it out of the hell that was delivered to me. I know You have not abandoned me. I know I still have my angel. He will most likely speak to me soon, as he did two weeks ago in the shower. “He wants you” At the time, I believed he meant You Lord. Now I can see I was wrong about that. He spoke of the fallen one.