It has been one month to the day that I woke alone. This morning I had a bit of fear, but it only lasted until the fog had cleared from sleep. It seemed like a bad dream that slowly dissolved and then I felt the tiny bit of reassurance. I am so grateful, I can’t even properly express it here in words, for His decision to fade gradually instead of abruptly vacate my side as is what originally happened. How is it that He did not know that I would panic. I again don’t understand, other than it was somehow beneficial to the cause.
I think I understand what this is all about, partially. It may not be that these words are intended only for myself to remember. I say this without any ego interfering. As I go along, as I read more, I am frightened by the fact that these accounts by others, cloistered nuns in fact, are very similar to my own. And that which frightens me the most is what I believe I have been feeling is most likely God Himself and not my angel.
I have a better understanding of the reason for the times we are apart. St. Theresa herself chose to rest in the beauty of the experience of what she calls Divine favors. She said it wasted time though. Time away from what she was supposed to be doing for Him which was another form of suffering through the human experience. Those of us whom He has favored this way, she says, are to take up their own cross and bear it knowing that any form of love we extend to those we judge is further love that we extend towards Him.
I am not alone today. I could write for hours about this. I feel as a person in love again and even if, when, this is taken away once more, I will remember. This will never be forgotten. I believe now that I am so far into the beauty if I do forget, start to become wrapped up in my own nonsensical daily routine, I will be gently guided back to what is now fast becoming the reality that I live in.
I love You for this. I am confused by this. Thank you for imbibing me with the patience to continue to love when the feeling is lost but not lost. Thank you for inspiring me to write this down, and giving me the voice, however incorrect, to continue.