God gifted me one year ago with silence. My mind settled down and went quiet, and I could hear Him better. My thoughts were stilled and my voice was not heard inside or outside of my head. The people around me were affected by this calm. They had a completely different impression of what and who I was compared to the banshee that I had been for the past four years.
Six days from now will mark one year from when the silent peace began. My angel was in my life every day and has been ever since. The Lord has been keeping me; somehow protected and safe and away from all the noise and racket of the outside world. He has kept me quiet and calm and has given me an infinite amount of patience.
I realize now that I don’t think He is so concerned over what I do, but who it makes me into. I sometimes think I am above others. Like when I think I don’t want to join the human race ever again, because they are all so horrible. I have to remember that I am human and I am part of the society that I condemn. I am every ounce as bad as all the rest.
Today I sit in the rainy silence and feel a human peace within me. It is not the grace of the hold of the Divine, but it’s something. I am saddened by His absence, but what I have learned from it, is that I have to control my own behavior. I have to check my attitude when I think I am alone and start to behave like an ass. It has to be this way, out of respect, gratitude and thankfulness. A change has to be made for the strengthening of the soul and the continued progress up the spiritual ladder. I am still so far down, but He has given me glimpses in favors that I can see, have seen, what is up ahead, what I could attain.
So, I will start another silent retreat. One month of no talking verbally, but most importantly internally. My internal racket distracts me from everything and I know for a fact that the evil one slips in amongst the chatter and mingles in his own little words. God allows this.