Day: September 20, 2025

I realize now I may have been wrong. According to the mystics who have come before, I am not even on the path yet, or so much of a beginner I don’t know what I am even talking about. But why then do I personally know exactly what has been written of the experiences of those further along. Why do I know it without having read about it before. Why do I know things that would not be a part of the early stages alone. Witnessing an angel having a conversation with one on the verge of death. Knowing what’s on the other side of the veil. Having a guide. Feeling and hearing my own angel. Knowing the Divine morning, day and night for a consecutive seven months.

I don’t know what this is, but I must defer to what they know, which is so much more than me. It is important to me though to write down these times I’ve had with the Divine. My own life has been effected immensely by them. Maybe it is a simple push and pull, favors and aridities granted in a very delicate form at best, but that does not matter to me. I never asked for this in the first place and I am grateful to the degree of now offering myself to God completely because of it.

Just one year ago I was in a state of something so dark that I begged the devil to take me. I actually begged for death to alleviate my suffering. I had started to believe in God once again, but I then believed that He and the devil were playing a game of chess with my soul. That is when I got angry at Him and just totally gave up and begged for the evil death for relief.

I have a timeline now within my head and can see clearly how things went, but it does not matter. There is no explanation and there needn’t be. I am here now, and I hopefully will not have to suffer that again, for I have said to myself and to others that I will not be able to survive it.

I have felt in love and alone, in love and alone for the past month now and today it has been exactly one year since I picked up the book The Dark Night of the Soul and felt it was a textbook explanation for me to absorb. Now, today, I am reading it again and can see that those were never my experiences, they could not have been because I was not on the path to God. I was not praying, not living the life of someone devoted to Him. I did not do penance or reflect on my sins. I merely existed in a state of terror and disconnectedness to everyone and everything around me. I had seen too much. I had experienced to much. However I didn’t reach out. I still did not believe.

So, my question now is can a soul go through the Dark Night without knowing God? Can that come first before the belief. I knew He existed, I was raised Catholic, I just didn’t believe he was present anymore. For whatever reason, He was just not there.

I thought today would be enjoyable to reread and reflect on what has happened, but to see that I have not even yet begun, only enjoyed the tiny consolations that God has granted me, is disappointing. Not because I want to be further along, but because if I follow the translation of Miribar Starr my experiences did not happen.

I am sad today. I didn’t expect that. I read and I understand. What I thought was happening was not. Yes, the small consolations were given freely, but that is all they were. Now, in saying that, I am offending Him greatly. According to Theresa of Avila, anyone who has been held by the Divine in a state of grace should do nothing less than supplicate and praise Him. Perhaps I need to discern which sacred texts apply to me, but they do not contradict each other. I just no longer know. The best I can do is remain patient. Reflect on how terrible of a human I was and most likely still am, and pray for His forgiveness to become a better one.