I love You for this. I am confused by this. Thank you for imbibing me with the patience to continue to love when the feeling is lost but not lost. Thank you for inspiring me to write this down, and giving me the voice, however incorrect, to continue.
Day: September 9, 2025
The beginning of prayer
Last night was another night to remember. I was able to pray, and I did get through. Maybe now I know how. I did ask for something, I had to, and it was not easy to refrain from falling back on the thanks I usually give.
I want to keep the peaceful buzz I have felt for so long now. Knowing that it is not possible while here on Earth, I dream of keeping my angel near by for counsel. So I did ask, tactfully, with humility in regard to the insecurity I still hold close. I was flooded with warmth and comfort. I did not get to hold onto it for too long, but it was enough.
Today I feel the low thrum of peace. I don’t feel the need to do anything. No need to cook, or clean, or talk, think and judge. I again, could sit and simply write all day, but I don’t want to dilute this. I have nothing more to say right now.
I am grateful. I do not expect anything. I rejoice when I am blessed with His presence. I know I will not be left to fall behind.
Time
I have been thinking that it has been a year. It has been two. The year is just what I have known. It has been what I can reflect upon, but the guidance started when I moved. It only took a few weeks until my debilitating pain subsided and I was able to move again. That was a big thing since I could not walk for a year. So January of 2024 I was mostly healed. It was then that I first felt the Divine in my life. The two months that followed I can only describe as pure bliss. When I was struck with the news my son brought to the table, I did spiral, however I felt a sense of calm that I could not explain. I interacted with others from that state of mind. That was in April.
I remember the madness. I thought I would need to be voluntarily committed. I sat by the window upstairs and was convinced that either aliens had invaded the planet or that the world was ending. The feeling was insurmountable, but then I started to change once again. It wasn’t until then, that after the second time of a major spiritual intervention, I started to question. That is when the first year came to a close. It is when I read the book of St. John of the Cross- The Dark Night of the Soul. Then I got answers. I was astounded, and I still am. That was my first realization what had happened to me was real, or so I think.
2025 was a time to myself. I needed that. I have made the mistake in thinking that it all began there, but I have had time to reflect and realize the major shift, the time of great healing actually started the year before. It started so gently, as if I would fear the presence of such sublime love that I was approached like a skittish deer. I am glad that my soul is strengthened.
As I have said, I am feeling alone now. I don’t like it one bit. But because I know that He will come back, however long I must wait, and that I am not being punished, I will wait. That is just what my angel said to me two nights ago. “Wait.”