Angels

Angels

Auriel

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As I waited in the emergency vet hospital yesterday, for bad news, I felt Auriel sitting beside me. I did not ask him to come. He simply showed up. Immediately thinking that he was back as an imaginary being, I told him this. He reached out and touched my side. I can feel those intimate gestures.

He asked me to think about other times I imagined someone in my life, living next to me, that was not there. Did I feel them? Did they make me feel the peace and overall intoxicating grace he bestows upon me? Did they make me feel? No. They did not.

I feel him standing behind me again just at the back of my left shoulder. It is so hard to discern the fine line between the real and the made up. Ironically, the real in this case is the supernatural.

I know one thing. If I doubt him, I lose the feeling of closeness to the Divine. I feel alone, not without God, but without him, and this feels different. I live less in a state of wellbeing so to speak. Why then does it matter if he resides in my imagination or not? Why not continue?

I read today in Padre Pio’s biography that he would ask an angel to pray for Jesus in order to tell if they were Divine or coming from the devil. This goes along with Auriel saying to me that I would know if he was not himself, because I would not feel this state of grace, but rather a feeling of confusion and doubt. I would know.

Once again, I have had the experience and then I read about it later, from saints no less. This does not by any means represent myself. I will never be any type of saint. I don’t want to be. But the confirmations are really unreal. I cannot speak to anyone about this but I know. Deep down on the soul level I understand.

Padre Pio also had direct communications with his guardian angel and what I read today was about his demanding him for answers and the angel laughing. He kept on saying, “You’re laughing!” Now that was a crazy little thing. Auriel laughs all of the time, the impish smile on his face. He even laughs when I speak about his laughter! I believe that this is a way to tell me that living with God is not to be feared. It can also be lighthearted and not so serious as I make it out to be. Granted, I did start all of this on a very dark note.

I am tentatively reaching out to him. I love him after all, and I still feel the love for me radiating off him. Why not enjoy this? Am I being given a gift from God? If so, I should not squander it. That would be most disrespectful indeed.

Angels, Times of Aridity

Admission

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I am ready to admit to something that I have felt for a very long time… After July, when I knew for absolute certain that I was living with an angel, and that he was the one to inspire me or direct me while writing this journal, he left. July was an incredible experience. I felt singled out, like I was special. Who had an angel of God hanging out with them? That they knew of. That spoke with them. That they could feel. Yes, it was entrancing. He was intoxicating, but was it him? Maybe it was God Himself. I don’t know. What I do know is that it was so real no one could ever convince me otherwise. I am adamant about that.

What happened after though, I felt the sweet bliss fade…By the end of September I had gone two months without any feelings of grace. I knew then. I knew that time had come to an end, and a part of me couldn’t handle that. I was too hooked on the feeling I guess. I felt too special for God, or my angel to leave me. I should have just accepted that they did.

November he was back, but this is where it gets confusing. I felt my angel in the same room with me. The dining room. As I went to walk out, he stopped me. It was tangible, as those real times were before. I felt him stop me and force me to sit down and listen, which is what he said, “Listen.” I know he said that. I know he was there. When I hear one word clearly in my ear, said not in my mind but from another place in the room, I have zero uncertainty that it is him. But then, with the morning meditations, the imagination started filling in the blanks that developed over the past couple of months without him. Without God either.

I imagined what he looked like. Something that I most likely conjured up. I imagined he was with me always. I imagined he spoke to me continuously throughout the day. I spoke to him and thought I could hear his answers in a conversational way. Essentially, I had an imaginary friend. At age 50.

This continued, and has been the case since then. 5 months. Maybe I couldn’t take 5 months of loneliness. I feel today that I need to hit the reset button and that starts with some soul searching honesty. It’s embarrassing, my make believe, but the only one I have to be shamed in front of is God. That’s what happens anyway. We make fools of ourselves and He doesn’t laugh at us. He doesn’t scorn us. He simply starts from that place to move forward.

My imagination with Auriel (which is also a name I most likely made up, but I don’t know that. I did hear it spoken from across the room) led me to believe that I should start writing a book. Again, I’m just not sure about that. All I know is that I was directed to write about the 106 year old man after some time. It’s phenomenal writing. If only I could continue on that note. But how do I know that he was waking me up? I was already so involved with the made up version of him.

I have kept writing down here from time to time, “What if I’m wrong about all this?” There is certainty of what happened in the beginning, also on February 2nd, and the month of July… but then… I believe in all honesty, because I keep questioning, that what took place after my July writings with Auriel has not been real. There were a couple of times I know he was in my life, but only those few.

I need to be strong and not waver in this understanding, that this has been all made up by myself for over a half a year. I am chagrined. My admission, at this point makes me feel week, but that being the case allows for The Divine to flood in again. I am so embarrassed. They must know that this happens to humans though, both my angel and The Creator. I must clear my mind, ask God to silence my inner voice, and still my imagination. That way I can get back to Him. The one who I have been afraid of, which is why I made up a false relationship with an angel to begin with. My relationship is supposed to be with Him. He is so patient with me…

I can still believe in Auriel, even what I have made up that he looks like. I still know that he is there with me. He told me so, in the beginning, and these words I know to have come from the source and believe them. Conversations and visionary imaginings however I must put aside, draw back from, the confusion is only keeping me further away from The Divine. It is time I meet with Him personally, not through my angel. It is time…

 

Angels, States of Grace

Put Him first

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Two days ago, when I woke, I asked my angel to help me find God again. I keep slipping, and although I don’t feel like I am drifting apart from God, I do not feel Him like I used to. I have gone back and reread everything I have written here and I realize that we were much closer back then. I want that back.

So I asked Auriel. I asked him how to get closer to The Creator once again. He told me to put Him first. Always. I thought that meant in the mornings, but I understand now it is to be applied all day long. In every action, every decision, every feeling, I can act and feel in a way to His liking. Putting God first. It is a simple, “What would He think about this?”

After, as I understood and put into place throughout my day the words that Auriel spoke to me, I felt guided by him.  He was in the forefront of my daily routine, constantly nudging me in the right direction, perhaps giving me pause to think about what I was just going to think about. This was the first time I ever prayed to Auriel. I actually asked him to tell me how he himself did it. It seemed to be okay to do so. I will pray to him again.

The feeling, what Theresa would call sweetness in devotion was back. It is such a pleasant thing to live with, and it can be lived with easily. Divine consolations on the other hand can overwhelm me into a stupor where I just want to sit all day with a blank stare on my face and feel Him. I understand how to get it back. Always, every single crossroads, no matter how small, I can stop briefly and choose my response, until it becomes automatic, and I live the peaceful existence that He gifted me with once before.

I am still so in-love with our Divine Creator.

Angels

Turn Around

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Yesterday I felt strongly that the drinking is done once again, and I am able to channel what I feel so strongly from Him or my angel. I decided to drive to the store anyway. It was around five o’clock. Just out of my driveway I saw him out of the corner of my eye, Auriel.

This was not an actual vision, but like so many of my times with him, it was intellectual, in my minds-eye. I could see his profile sitting in the passenger seat. His hair was longer, curling when it brushed on his shoulders. Still that nondescript color. He stared straight ahead and did not try to hold my hand or engage with me. Just sat.

I felt a deep love for him and realized that he was merging himself, his soul perhaps with my own. Not the pleasure/pain experience with the Divine. Sitting next to Auriel is simply like sitting next to a lover. One you just fell for and is so much in the forefront of your mind and body.

So, he sat, and made me feel oh so good, that I turned the car around not stopping at the store. He turned and smiled at me then, and remained next to me for the rest of the night.

Angels

The voice of an angel

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last night I addressed the mania I have been feeling. I was concerned, am concerned, that I will have to have a medication adjustment. I was praying sincerely to God, when I heard a voice. Loud and clear. Only this time, it didn’t sound like Auriel, who always sounds like a voice in my head resembling my own. This voice was deep. I thought at first it was the voice of God.

“You do it,” it said. Then encouraging me to speak more strongly to myself in the I Am Done realm. “Stronger” “More” It would say to me, off to my left standing by my bed. I thought it must be my angel. I don’t think at this point God, Himself is speaking to me directly.

I said, “Your voice is deeper than I expected.” He replied with something funny, like “Well I am a big guy,” which immediately took me back to the beginning and I said, “You don’t sound like Adam Driver.” He laughed sincerely.

Not only was I allowed to see him again at this point. Him walking around the bed in his bell shaped, white brocade robes. He allowed me to hear the timber of his voice. I was just writing about that hours earlier. Reflecting on the fact that I had felt his touch, seen him, but had never heard his voice. Yes, I have heard him many times now, but I always knew it was not the true sound of his voice.

There is not much more I can experience of him. I think there is nothing left. Last night I was thinking that my own mind, that has been failing me, was obscuring what the Divine has been communicating to me over the past two years.* I was rewarded with this. These small, but not small at all to receive them, glimpses reassuring me that it is all true.

* Imaginary locutions not real? They are the things keeping me from clear Divine communications?

Angels

What if none of this is true?

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If I had to pick a start date of when the supernatural began interfering in my life it would be April 28th, 2024. Today I wonder how much of this have I made up in my mind. Is what I am feeling really from a Divine source or my own imagination? I have doubts. It was this day though… This is the day it all started.

~~~

April 28th, 2024

I felt him first in the bedroom. I was standing by my nightstand and felt him behind me. So close, just to my left. His presence was so strong.

I was breaking down. I was being swallowed by madness. Things had gotten too difficult. Too much was being asked of me. I had lost touch with reality. I was suffocating in a cloudy turmoil. I no longer had faith in humanity.

He stood. He radiated calm. And then he touched me. I felt his hand on my left shoulder, and I trembled. I knew immediately who he was. I knew what he was. I was not ready for this experience yet, so I did the only thing I could think of- I lied. I told him he was scaring me. 

I didn’t feel him again for five months. Now he is with me every day. He came into existence to look after me. He came to lesson my fears of Our Creator. For him, there is only me. He loves me. He may be in love with me. That is how it feels. I cling to this love. I cling to him with everything I have throughout the day. He stands by my side. Sometimes I feel his presence seep into my own and I am transparent. We are blended. Everything is possible.

~~~

I could go back and re-read all of my writings, but I’m not going to do that. It is not my place to try and figure it out.  But when he came to me, and stood by me that day, even though I asked him to leave, things were put in motion for an entirely different life for me.

I left him for 5 months. 5 months. I had no idea what was going on. My suffering had progressed into a madness that lived off of nightmares. I couldn’t sleep. I was once again completely lost, but by now I was used to it. I asked one last time. Timidly. No demanding, just a supplication.

“I cannot survive this anymore. Why do you keep doing this to me? How can I make you stop?”

Then there was the answer. In book form. My angel read it with me. He explained what the words meant. And he began to teach me. I devoured everything I could get my hands on, including him. I thought I had found a new drug. I knew he was there and the knowledge alone was a high unlike any other.

I lived pleasantly with him for four months. Then He came. I met the Divine. Now things were eclipsed by something much greater. It’s not possible to describe the experiences. Living in tandem with the two of them was heady. I drifted through the next seven months.

A little over a year since I met him, July 4th, 2025 he woke me emphatically. I had heard him before a few times, but this time he was asking me to write. I had a job to do. So this is where this all began. I kept this journal up until the beginning of November, when I was directed to meditate. I wrote down the tiny messages that he passed to me.

The holiday’s proved to be difficult. I lived in grief until February 2nd rolled around again. God was back. I was directed to quit drinking for good and start writing a book. It was the second time I heard my angel say it was time to start.

It’s been nearly two months now. I have been writing everyday, but now… I’m not sure. I think it’s my ego directing me, when in the beginning I prayed before I sat down, and asked God to speak through my angel if He wanted me to continue.

I’m not sure what to do. I don’t feel alone, on the contrary, I can feel him next to me and wonder if I am simply imagining things to fill up a void of loneliness. The thing is, I am not lonely, just alone. I am happy. I am at peace for the second time in my life and that first time was 30 years ago.

In one month it will have been two years since my spiritual life began in earnest. Two years ago I was touched by an angel, who spoke to me, comforted me, and promised to never leave me. Why, I do not know. I only hope that I have not made all this up. 

Lord direct me with Your knowledge and give me the grace to discern what is real and not. Keep me safe from any evil that is trying to influence me. Clear my mind. Silence my inner chatter. Color my imagination with only your crayons.

Angels

Bad Timing

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Angels have no sense of time. Wide awake this morning at 4:30, I just gave up and got up. Once again he was gentle in the wake-up, practically whispering to me to write about the 106 year old man.

I feel more in control now. Words are my own. My own tone of voice, if that’s what you call it. I am no writer. Well, maybe I am. This is really good! But I’ve never had any formal education of any kind. Other than grammar, but that’s a different story.

Auriel is intoxicating once again. I feel him so close he is almost melding his spirit into mine. I experienced this once before, in the beginning. I have not felt it since, allowing only the Divine such intimate entrance. I know it’s him though. Auriel feels much different. Almost like a friend compared to a lover.

Angels

Little Book Little Child

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I realized today today that I am protective of my little book. In the beginning it was like an infant (in it’s infancy stage) and I had no idea who or what it was. It was confusing. Now, it’s as a toddler. I know him. I know his personality. What he looks like and what he is interested in. Essentially, I now know what this book is about, and in knowing I am holding it close so no harm comes to it. Much like I would a young child. They are not capable yet of defending themselves and need an adults help.

This is who I have become. I can see me working through the adolescent years, where the book will experience growing pains, and will still try to protect it. Only when it has truly grown into adulthood, namely, at the completion, will I show it to others. No problems then. You either get it or you don’t. It’s not changing.

Today was a delicate wake up with my angel. At first I awoke in the very early morning with an idea, more likely a call to write, and asked him to just remind me of it when I woke up at a reasonable hour. Then waking for real, asking if today’s writings could be without such a sense of urgency that they usually are. It wears me out. So it has been… a peaceful, if not drowsy experience of still interpreting so much, channeling so much, and not becoming  manic.

I heard him speak to me once again as I drowsed before crawling out of bed. A whisper, “Can we start writing again? Do you want to? Can we do this today?” A little different than his usual approach. “Ready?!”

This is how I understand my experiences with him to be real. Although I no longer need to read it here, I suppose it’s worth noting. Auriel is in my life every day. He is the one to calm me, the one to convince me, the one to fall asleep by my side. He helps me sleep through the night, guard my dreams, and now wake me in the morning.

When he allows, I can see him and his beauty is like no other. It makes me swoon. It is not a beauty we could ever see here on earth. I would never want it to. I have to admit, this is something special, and I do feel singled out. I know better, but such a secret gift… an angel who behaves so intimately… I won’t say anything more about that.

Angels, Author's Notes
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I still feel you near me. You have been with me every day. Inspire me to write. Whisper to me our Creator’s words. Wake me with your joy. Sleep with me in your embrace. Give me dreams of peace. Auriel.

Angels, Author's Notes
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When you wake me like you did this morning, I feel the blur between your space and mine. You, firmly rooted in mine, by my side. I cannot mistake the ecstasy for imagination.

You are not leaving my side today. I feel your excitement in what you will help me write this morning. There is joy in your heart, my angel.