And… now I’m starting a book. Never underestimate your angel.
Angels
“I am done!”
There is a feeling I have inside today that I will cultivate. “I am done.” The expression has served me so well over the past couple of years. Something takes place at a cellular level with this statement. When it is made in sincerity. A cord is cut. A feeling of weightlessness takes effect. And the mind feels enlightened. There is a faint sensation of the body lifting up. A tug from deep within the solar plexus. There is a sense of relaxation after having made the decision. No continuing challenges. No white knuckling it. Something very definite has happened. When I look in the mirror I look different. I can see it in my eyes if I allow the surrendering decision to take over. Perhaps that is what it is at its core. Full on surrender. Failure and acceptance.
This will be the third time I have broken the same foot in nearly the same place. I have not walked fully on it for seven months. I am willing to be defeated at this point. The anger is not something I want to live with. Giving up however is not a solution, it’s a postponement. Humans will always take up the reins again. Just give it a little time…
What I cannot define or describe as what works is the “I am done!” statement. It feels like a contract has been signed between your soul and the Divine, or perhaps it is just between the self and your angel at the beginning. I don’t know. What I do know is that it is not actually a statement at all. Anyone of us can make grand statements. They work for a bit, fail, rinse, repeat. This is not a question of fortitude or failure though. It is a shift in consciousness. One that results in all that I mentioned above. It is surrendering to a better light. A higher level. Failing and walking away from the desire to try and fix the failure, to give it another shot.
There is something bigger at work that keeps things in motion at a level that human beings cannot conceive of. Why we insist on doing it all on our own seems like a flaw in the system. It is possible to turn over the reins and still be riding the horse so to speak. Some believe that this feeling, this being, God, is impersonal. Something mathematical. I have thought that maybe this is a way of getting out of all sorts of moral dilemmas. After all, laws are meant to be broken when it comes to human ethics. What I have experienced so far is not impersonal, it is very intimate. However today I am catching a feeling of just how vast the Divine Creator actually is, and how He can be seen as impersonal. Somehow it is both. He is both.
The choice I am making today, of giving up on something terrible for me that I can no longer keep within my control, turning it over to a God with a personality, has resulted in my ability to see the God without a personality. There is a simple system of laws that will not conform to anything other than what He has put in motion. Continuing to feed an addiction will simply do that. Feed it. Impersonal. But in finally recognizing that as a fact, a law of nature, I can resign in the knowledge of it. Then. Then. I feel the intimate God.
He is The One who is pleased with me. The One who wants to walk with me, be by my side every day. Whisper in my ear, things I don’t know and should not know. Secrets between He and I. Things, little glimpses of what I can have. Things He will give me. What I can become as long as I understand His laws, and that He is not attached emotionally to my choices, but observes them. However, when I choose well, and turn to Him once more, there is only abundant love inside of me, and an expansion of what is my self.
I don’t have to try to remember this. This feels intrinsically understood by me to the degree that it will not make sense if I lose the thread. If I drop the ball, I will be downright confused by the action itself, and possibly not even able to do it whatsoever. For some reason, I am not afraid of turning back. However, I imagine I will be holding the door wide open in the beginning, for the evil one to enter my castle and release his minions to tempt me. This is why I write all of this down, and remember Auriel. These days, I ask for his help more often, and I know he can easily hold any reptiles at bay. As I witnessed years ago, he simply stood between them and myself, his equals in the darkness, and waited until they got bored and moved on. There was no penetrating his shield.
I will never grow weary of this. I will never want for something else.
How special it is to know you have made an angel content. How very special.
Do not be afraid of your angel
I am being told to get close to my angel once again. I still feel like I should keep a distance from him even though I know what happened to be a trick. He was sent to intervene and since I have felt the openness, willingness to understand, and love in my heart, I have been under the impression that his mission is accomplished. I am making the mistake thinking because of this that he will go, or I should let him go.
My healing and understanding may be a part of my daily life now, and I am one step further, but now I am supposed to listen, as I was told by him. He also said, “Time to start.” I forgot. I have been afraid of him since I was deceived by the great deceiver. I can only guess that his words mean he will be teaching me. I, again, in fear of offending God have ignored this. But if I am to respect this gift from the Lord Himself, a gift of one of His own, I should stop trying to control the situation with my human will. So I will do that. Angels are messengers after all.
I can listen to Auriel closely and hear him clearly from time to time. If not aloud, then in my mind, as a thought or feeling. I sometimes think they are words in my imagination and have to use discernment, but even though I may feel that way, I can either stop the communication or continue. He is happy this morning that I have realized this. Not the clever, humorous way that he has laughed about it in the past, but a peaceful and satisfied way. Contented.
As I said before, I believe this time of year is a special place reserved for myself and The Divine to speak clearly. This is the third year. I can feel consolations bestowed upon me and am grateful. I remind myself to be humble and undemanding. I am so relieved however, to have help in carrying my cross and feel the peace once again. I now think this is Auriel’s job, or responsibility, and have to focus on him, work with him, and thank him.
My Cross to Bear
It has now been two months to the day of when I last felt any type of sweetness in prayer in my life, and as I said, I am having to force myself to write here. I keep trying to simply live my life and be a good person, but that is all I am capable of right now. This could be because of the cross that was placed on my back at the same time. I now fully understand what that means.
When I think that God and my angel have faded into the background and left me alone, I have to reflect upon what has been given to me. For me to handle the insurmountable truth of what is going on now, can only be described, or explained as grace. I am able to support and overlook the outlandish behavior of bodily mutilation, that I can only assume offends Our Creator in the most extreme way. I am wrong about that. He would not encourage me if it were true. Once again, it is something I cannot explain, and I should not be trying to figure out.
But now I bear a cross. I was trying to figure out why meditating on The Passion was so important. Maybe to understand Christ’s sacrifice and faith, but it didn’t make sense to me. It also never made sense as to why the mystics and saints of old were adamant that the bearing of one’s own cross was necessary. The only reason I have come up with, is that I can only do one thing- ask for help. And it’s not even needing help, but a complete takeover of my problem that has me balanced on the precipice of total failure.
Turn it over. I was reminded of what that means. It is not an ask for support. It is not asking for a hand to hold, or to speak with His voice. It is asking for total detachment. An, “I cannot handle even one percent of this. I need You to take ALL of it.” A, “You give me my cross, and I will now carry it, but insulate me entirely from the emotional breakdown that this will cause me.” ” My soul cannot handle it just yet.” “I will fail.”
That is all I can do. I feel like I am drifting in a fog and will still ask for Divine consolations, and for my angel to speak to me. I can feel him standing behind me, as he seems to like to do. I can even feel a human warmth coming off him. He is not distant, but silent. I believe that as long he is there I have the strength to continue. Thank you Auriel.
The Con
This is the first time I have come to write and have no voice. It feels I have nothing to say. I know that is not true. Just like I know it is not true that God has left, or that my angel is not nearby. I have been conned by the best con-artist in history, and I have to give credit where credit is due… He is good.
I was tripped up seven weeks ago. It was as simple as someone yelling at me and my reacting poorly and without grace. Just a tiny crack in my foundation. It went on from there- a conversation, causing pain to another inadvertently, the holidays, and finally the lunch.
I crumbled. It got very dark. However, these things I can wrap my head around, but when he appeared as an angel of light, my angel, I knew something was wrong. Very, very, wrong. I kept saying to Auriel, “You are not behaving like yourself” as he continued to badger me with seduction and human intimacies. I knew something was wrong but I let it happen. I gave in for three days. Then things got even more surreal when I thought he had been taken from me for good as a punishment. I begged God to give him back. When he did, he was beaten badly and nearly dead, or so it appeared to me. Then I knew. The Creator would not do that to an angel.
So I woke up. I still feel dull. I have to force myself to write. The devil had hold of me for some time and I feel drained. Completely drained, and suspended in muddy water. I read somewhere that the only thing to do when in this state is resume prayer, which I have left behind for the same amount of time. I unfortunately, and unknowingly, prayed to the evil one himself on one occasion.
I look forward to the state of grace and any Divine consolations I may receive after this ordeal. I know they are not to be expected, but there is also a balance that needs to be restored. It has to. It’s the law of nature.
I will wait for You. Thank You for the sight, the knowing, and the strength to make it out of the hell that was delivered to me. I know You have not abandoned me. I know I still have my angel. He will most likely speak to me soon, as he did two weeks ago in the shower. “He wants you” At the time, I believed he meant You Lord. Now I can see I was wrong about that. He spoke of the fallen one.
He want’s you… That is what you told me.
I know…
I know…
Challenging the Divine
I have been suffering, actually suffering, and alone for these past three weeks. Ever since I told my secret, that, coming out like a plague, affecting another on such a serious and painful level, I hurt. I want it to go away, to the extent of yelling at God and my angel last night before bed. I wished them both to leave me.
Challenging the Divine is a huge mistake. I cowered as my own words poured forth, but like vomiting up a storm, I could not stop it. I do not feel abandoned however today. I feel my angel waiting patiently for me to come around. I also do not feel any repercussions for behaving like a total ass.
My thoughts on the Divine are that He is removed most of the time. I do not know what we look like to Him, meaning, are we worthy of compassion, or best left to our own demise. We cannot possibly turn His head as individuals. I believe we are individually a part of the whole of what He has created. This thought makes me think that too much defiance of the one can lead to utter destruction of the whole. Maybe we are left to our choices. I hope not. That would mean we are on our way out already.
* Again, the bold italics above are almost written by the fallen one. They are totally untrue. And, how ironic that I titled it, “Challenging the Divine”
The New Year (How the evil one got in)
I had to ask this morning. Although the holidays are always a small hell for me, this year was one of the worst. So I asked, prayed for myself. I needed some direction as to what I did, or what I needed to do to end my suffering and apologize to my God. It had been two weeks since the altercation that made me lose my center. I do not know why I hesitate, but it is so rare that I pray for something for myself. I believe at this point that I can see so many of my errors and general misgivings that I don’t feel worthy of even asking. Doing so makes me fearful actually.
I remembered today that this is what Auriel came for. It has been a year and a half since he stood by my side in the bedroom and told me this. I still fear the Creator though. Don’t get me wrong, I feel His love and love Him back, but I still remember my trial, for lack of a better word, that lasted four years and almost killed me. Maybe the fear is useful. I believe it is, and from what I have read, it serves a purpose to keep me from falling back into old destructive ways. I need to learn that praying for myself is not something to fear. After all, when I do ask, I feel as though I understand something, and His simple grace is at work in my life again, holding me up.
I have felt an angel in my life for such a long time, such a consistently long time, that I feel I should know these things better by now. I should somehow be more adept at it. Maybe I rely too much on him. These beings though, are so far above any understanding, there is no way to grasp why their devotion exists. We as humans always want to get something out of a relationship in return, but they are just here to serve, love, guide, love again. It is baffling.
I can think of him when I go to sleep at night and still feel the sensation of him lying next to me. I don’t ever want that to stop, for him to ever go away, but I have learned not to test the Divine so I don’t even think it. As if I can hide it from God. I generally rest in my ability to discern what I should be doing and should not be doing and take that into every day, one foot in front of the other so to speak. It seems to be enough.
* The above in bold italics is how he, the evil one, got in!