Angels

I understand right now, what it means to break a covenant with the Divine. I was the one who spoke the words, and made the forever commitment to change. I was the one to pronounce, “I am done!” He listened and responded. Immediate change was cemented in time and space here on earth and in heaven. I went back on that contract three days ago. I made the decision that I could have just two drinks. I was clobbered with the reality that that will no longer be an option for me.

I poisoned myself. I have been very, very dizzy and off balance for three days. I have done real damage and disrespected God in abusing the beautiful body he has given me. I am more ashamed that I have been in years. This is because He made it okay for me the two weeks I was sober. My cravings were small and tolerable. The purpose I had was real and driving me. And, what did I do? I forfeited it.

I have His mercy with me. I feel Him with me still. He is forgiving me and waiting. I can rejoin my path when my shame is gone. I lost my connection this past years holidays. That was due to choices and attitude. I broke a contract with Him then as well. This time He is not leaving me though. Auriel is very close as well. He has not left my side. I feel a radiating support coming from his presence. He is waiting also.

Both of these times will stick with me. They have been big failures on my part. Me turning back to the earlier mansions. Letting reptiles deceive me. I feel more pain than before. I can only assume this is because I made more of a commitment to Him that I ever did before. This oddly comforts me. The pain and shame comfort me. These feelings are self-loathing enough for me to try harder to respond the virtuous way next time.

I understand penance, and remembered yesterday, actually Auriel reminded me, that I made a trade with the Divine. I would take up the cross of accepting my son’s trans thing, if He took the issue entirely from me. He did not fail to keep His end of our deal. I have not felt the weight of it since, but I need to keep carrying my cross, with my angels help. It was seeing the people my son is living with that spurred me on to drink. I saw the end result in who he would be if he goes through with this. This, if I let it in, will kill me. I have no choice but to turn this over.

It’s been a week since I was called to write the little book. So far I have seven chapters edited and completed. 10,000 words. 40 pages. It is not what I thought it would be. I sit at the computer, after my morning coffee, and say a prayer.

“God if it’s your will that I continue writing this, let me speak with Your words. Give my angel Your words and let him speak them to me so that I may write them down. If this is Your will.  Amen.”

Then I wait. I have no idea what the next installment will be about. I have no title and a blank page really doesn’t exist. Mostly there is no waiting though. I start to write and I am not forming the sentences, just the words. I write with speed and accuracy, most of the time not needing to correct anything other a comma here or there. I write five pages then stop.

When I go back and read the section or chapter, I have no recollection of what I have written. It is concise and to the point, but it is not a point I was trying to make. Sometimes, I don’t even understand what the words mean, though they sound very important.

This is not me writing this. My angel is translating. So far, I am not afraid of the source.

I was dreaming last night that I was administering CPR to a man collapsed. He was not waking up but I kept going, thinking I was at least keeping his body alive. I asked someone to take over for me. I counted for them but was only doing rescue breathing.

This went on for a short time and I woke with a huge breath and sat up suddenly in bed. I have never woken that way before. It was strange. I can only imagine that I was the collapsed man. When I sunk back down into the covers, I could sense Auriel lying next to me with his hand on my shoulder.

I was woken by my angel this morning. I felt an unbridled love warm my body as I was jolted awake. “Ready?” I heard emphatically in my ear. There was that barely contained joy in him. I felt him stoke my cheek until I was fully aware of my surroundings. He bent down an kissed my neck. Then I was awake. As concerned as I was by that I did not push him away but was still cautious.

When we sat together at the table downstairs, me having my morning coffee, him sitting on the table next to me stretched out on his side, knee bent, arm crooked up to hold up his head, he told me I would eventually have to trust him again. I was reminded that I would know if what I was hearing and imagining was from him or the deceiver. It would be the way that I felt about God and the Divine afterwords. He also explained to me that this morning’s wake up to a beautiful state of wonder could not be a part of deception.

I will continue with the book.