I walk around in secret bliss, but I also walk in fear, because I not only know that it can be taken away at any given moment, but that it can be replaced with something terrifying.
Day: July 6, 2025
What came after
February 13th, 2024
What came after my understanding, or realization, as to why I had gone through my own dark night of the soul, was the exact opposite. I could not understand why I suffered for so long, but one month after attempting to recover from it all, I was abruptly jerked into a totally different world.
It was completely overwhelming. I cannot even begin to describe how I felt. These small words I am printing on this page make no comparison to the actual experience. It went on…. for two months. Every morning I would wake up with this feeling, living in this experience. I never expected it to stay for so long. It was within me in the morning, throughout the day, well into the evening, and I assume when I slept.
It was pure bliss. It was unbridled joy. I felt so happy I thought I would become nothing, or maybe I would become a glowing silver liquid, and float up into the air and meld with whatever resided above the atmosphere. Those times I wasn’t sure what still glued me to the ground.
The only reason I came down was due to another emergency. You see, when the dark night took over, at that time four years ago, I made a statement, and I know better than to make finite statements. I told everyone that “everything had been taken from me.” I privately amended this to include “except for my son.“ I also vowed to never let anything or anyone compromise my health again.
On April 12th that is what He tested me with, taking my son from me. That is when I devolved into madness. My son was not dead, he just left me for a while, but my sanity completely disappeared due to the underlying circumstances that caused the rift. There lay the test. I vowed to not allow something to take my health again, not even my son.
I held fast as I slipped further and further into the twisting rooms and falling staircases as I moved throughout my house. That is when He sent an angel to take over my life for a while. The study began. The devotion I feel now. The determination to mold myself into whatever He wants, not out of fear, but out of desire to never be separated again.