I Have taken some days off to read and reflect on my experiences. Maybe I am wrong about my angel. Maybe the feelings of peace are coming from God Himself and not from him. I was told he was an intermediary. He was there to put my fears of Our Creator in the back of my mind until I would not drag them up, not feel them anymore.
I am no longer terrified of Him. I understand that the state I was in before, the state of not feeling Him at all is fading, however, He is also fading. The loss of the sweet state of grace has me worried. What if He leaves me? What if He allows me to become the horrible version of myself that I was before? What if I am plunged back into the terrifying world that almost took my life? By my readings of the other mystics I am reassured that He will not let that happen, or not do that to me.
The more I study the more my experience is confirmed. I read, my mind wanders, then I turn a page and the words are so real that it shocks me! I am not alone in this, unfortunately the ones I can compare this to have long passed on from this world. I just keep reading, then come over here and write. I could write all day, then my mind gets exhausted and I have to stop. I am told to stop. Now that is a voice from my angel.
I now think that he is the one to speak to me verbally. He simply directs. I hear very clearly, “Stop,” “Shhh,” “It’s okay,” “Trust me…” The words are so clear, tangible, and I can feel him standing beside me when I hear them. I know that it is him. However the state of complete relaxation, the almost numbness I have felt, is still a question for me. I do know that any conversations I have running through my head are purely imagination. I also know what it feels like to have the evil one manipulating me. Although sometimes not soon enough, I still catch on.