I feel like I will always be in love with Him. I bend and I sway, I bend and I sway, under the light and lightness of His being.
I am delighted in a simple day even in the dark cloud. I know He is there and I can endure now the aridity that I sometimes have to yield to.
I know He is there. I know He is waiting for me. All I have to do is remember. Remember to turn to Him again. Always turn, and see, and delight, and witness.
I thought I was an entirely different person. I thought the old ways were done. It had been so long, and with so much longing that I was held, and beheld His grace. Into a sleepy dream I had fallen. Allowing myself to believe that this feeling was forever.
But I collapsed and folded in on myself and felt the rage. My face twisted and contorted into a despicable grimace. I was disgusted with myself.
Now I climb back to the last place I stood with Him. I only wish to feel Him within me again. I beg His mercy. I beg Him not to leave. Frightened, I push my disgrace under the cloud of forgetting.
No thought will stand between me and my Creator.
My experience was not pleasant. I was terrified, and lost, and the pressure upon my shoulders crushed me. I didn’t see anything. Could not really talk to anyone. They were a thousand miles away standing right next to me.
I didn’t try to understand, but what I had chasing me almost killed me. No matter what I did, it kept trying to kill me. I crawled my way out from beneath what I could only describe as evil and ran as fast as I could, as far as I could… I was rewarded with a blankness that I welcomed, for at least not being in such torment anymore.
I was broken, destroyed. The word I could best use to describe my being was destroyed. I laid on the ground, would not go out, would not move if I could. But, somehow, peace slowly seeped in and invaded my brokenness. I felt absorbed into a state of bliss.
I was alone and I enjoyed it. I could swallow, and sit, and look, and let it be known that I was still, in fact, very much alive. Not well, but alive.
The sweet bliss stayed. I existed for months in a state of pure grace, and I recognized that my Creator had been the one behind it all. Why my suffering? Why my sickness? Why my nastiness? I can’t fathom why it was done, but I feel safe once again. After so much time, I can accept, I can trust, and I can feel safe within His embrace that I now feel every day.
(4 years of The Dark Night of the Soul)
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”- not true.
God does not want us to get stronger in the mortal sense. The dark night of cleansing proves that. He will break us down and break us down until we can no longer even imagine surviving as a human being. We no longer have the will to.
Only when we are broken can we be remade. Only when we are broken will we reach out to Him. That is when we can finally rest, in His arms, when we are broken and alone.
When I ask myself, “what have I done to offend You”? I should remember I have not offended. I am a seeker. I have questioned my existence. I have doubted humanity. I have sought answers from the Divine from very early on.
I am questioning again in my loss of faith in humanity. My soul feels dead and confused. I need His help at this time, no one else will do. I am avoiding the madness inside of me.
This isn’t God lashing out in anger. This is not a judgement. This is a terrible cleansing in answer to my prayers.
My anger returned. My judgement ensued. I did not lose my grasp on reality, but felt solely responsible for the disconnect between myself and the rest of human-kind.
It didn’t terrify me.
Now I feel His Light and complete comfort again. It, settled deep within me. Perhaps this was another purging.
I only want to be back here in this space of stillness and utter peace.
I am reminded again that I have lost the will to fight.
I feel His Light within me and it terrifies me. Will I ever be the same?
I fear for my sense of self. I fear for my intellect. I fear for my grounded-ness to all things mundane.
I fear those closest to me that will take me away from this Light. I fear The Dark Night once again.
I am very very calm… I don’t feel itchy to move. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to connect to others. I don’t want to think. I want to be still.
I feel euphoric. My head is somewhat dizzy. I wish I could feel this way always. I feel solely connected to His Light.
I don’t want to be the same.