It has now been two months to the day of when I last felt any type of sweetness in prayer in my life, and as I said, I am having to force myself to write here. I keep trying to simply live my life and be a good person, but that is all I am capable of right now. This could be because of the cross that was placed on my back at the same time. I now fully understand what that means.
When I think that God and my angel have faded into the background and left me alone, I have to reflect upon what has been given to me. For me to handle the insurmountable truth of what is going on now, can only be described, or explained as grace. I am able to support and overlook the outlandish behavior of bodily mutilation, that I can only assume offends Our Creator in the most extreme way. I am wrong about that. He would not encourage me if it were true. Once again, it is something I cannot explain, and I should not be trying to figure out.
But now I bear a cross. I was trying to figure out why meditating on The Passion was so important. Maybe to understand Christ’s sacrifice and faith, but it didn’t make sense to me. It also never made sense as to why the mystics and saints of old were adamant that the bearing of one’s own cross was necessary. The only reason I have come up with, is that I can only do one thing- ask for help. And it’s not even needing help, but a complete takeover of my problem that has me balanced on the precipice of total failure.
Turn it over. I was reminded of what that means. It is not an ask for support. It is not asking for a hand to hold, or to speak with His voice. It is asking for total detachment. An, “I cannot handle even one percent of this. I need You to take ALL of it.” A, “You give me my cross, and I will now carry it, but insulate me entirely from the emotional breakdown that this will cause me.” ” My soul cannot handle it just yet.” “I will fail.”
That is all I can do. I feel like I am drifting in a fog and will still ask for Divine consolations, and for my angel to speak to me. I can feel him standing behind me, as he seems to like to do. I can even feel a human warmth coming off him. He is not distant, but silent. I believe that as long he is there I have the strength to continue. Thank you Auriel.