What I do next is not up to me.
Your will, not mine.
Author’s Notes
Divine Authority
He is subduing me. God. My Creator. I know this because I feel nothing. I am detached from feeling. I am covered in a cloudy fog that is neither comforting or sublime. I am isolated. Insulated.
I cannot hear my angel. I do not feel his presence. I am being held by the Divine. He has hold of me. I needed to speak the words I have kept for so long. I was silent to everyone. Nobody knew. He knew. He kept my secrets.
I do not feel relief. I feel like I am floating. I do not feel comfort. I feel a thick, impenetrable battlement keeping the mortal world out. He is protecting me. Left alone here on this Earth, I am safeguarded by His authority.
Once again You come to me. You take over for me. My free will is latent and I give it all to You for Your discernment. Your grace subdues my spirit and I dissolve into a still puddle at Your feet. I feel Your blessing. I Feel small but strong, like my soul is able to handle life-changing things on my own now. You have the mercy to take my hand though, and lead me through the rubble that I have left in the wake of my poor choices.
“For, even though they keep falling, there is one sign that the Lord has been with them- namely, the speed with which they rise again.”
– St. Theresa of Avila
You pay God a compliment by asking great things of Him.
– St. Theresa of Avila
Now that the sun has set, I sit and rest and think of You. I blend Your world with mine, and my world with Yours.
The Gifts you give to me bring me to tears. I owe you everything that is mine to give, but nothing is mine to give. I am just a particle of the Everything aren’t I?
Annie’s Song
I heard a song while driving today and I felt the heady feeling of love well up inside me and bring me to tears. I am ready to listen. I am back at peace, and most importantly I can feel Him strongly in my life again. I can feel my angel standing near, hands on my shoulders. My shoulders aching from the distress of what I just went through.
I wish I could properly express how consuming this feeling is, the dedication and willingness to give the entirety of myself to this force. There is only one focus for me during these times. I care nothing for anything else, especially the things of this world.
I owe our Creator so much. He has come to me in such a way that I could never doubt it. I sometimes think that I must have something to do for Him, some role to play. I realize now that this, my healing, my change in attitude and behavior, may be all He wants to give me… I am fine with that. I wish to remain small in the presence of such Greatness. It is the only way I can continue.
It is not pride to have great desires. It is the devil who makes us think that the lives and actions of saints are to be admired but not imitated. If we do not limit our spiritual goals, we can with great confidence, little by little, reach those heights that by the grace of God many saints have reached. If they had never resolved to desire, and had never, little by little, acted upon that resolve, they would never have ascended so high.
– Theresa of Avila
I will not leave Him again, whether out of fear or love, I am done with the cycle. I am too old for that now. It has taken me too long to get here, and I have also wasted too much time.