Writings

February 13th, 2024

What came after my understanding, or realization, as to why I had gone through my own dark night of the soul, was the exact opposite. I could not understand why I suffered for so long, but one month after attempting to recover from it all, I was abruptly jerked into a totally different world.

It was completely overwhelming. I cannot even begin to describe how I felt. These small words I am printing on this page make no comparison to the actual experience. It went on…. for two months. Every morning I would wake up with this feeling, living in this experience. I never expected it to stay for so long. It was within me in the morning, throughout the day, well into the evening, and I assume when I slept.

It was pure bliss. It was unbridled joy. I felt so happy I thought I would become nothing, or maybe I would become a glowing silver liquid, and float up into the air and meld with whatever resided above the atmosphere. Those times I wasn’t sure what still glued me to the ground.

The only reason I came down was due to another emergency. You see, when the dark night took over, at that time four years ago, I made a statement, and I know better than to make finite statements. I told everyone that “everything had been taken from me.” I privately amended this to include “except for my son.“ I also vowed to never let anything or anyone compromise my health again.

On April 12th that is what He tested me with, taking my son from me. That is when I devolved into madness. My son was not dead, he just left me for a while, but my sanity completely disappeared due to the underlying circumstances that caused the rift. There lay the test. I vowed to not allow something to take my health again, not even my son.

I held fast as I slipped further and further into the twisting rooms and falling staircases as I moved throughout my house. That is when He sent an angel to take over my life for a while. The study began. The devotion I feel now. The determination to mold myself into whatever He wants, not out of fear, but out of desire to never be separated again.

January, 2020  –  January, 2024

My experience was not pleasant. I was terrified, and lost, and the pressure upon my shoulders crushed me. I didn’t see anything. Could not really talk to anyone. They were a thousand miles away standing right next to me.

I didn’t try to understand, but what I had chasing me almost killed me. No matter what I did, it kept trying to kill me. I crawled my way out from beneath what I could only describe as evil and ran as fast as I could, as far as I could… I was rewarded with a blankness that I welcomed, for at least not being in such torment anymore.

I was broken, destroyed. The word I could best use to describe my being was destroyed. I laid on the ground, would not go out, would not move if I could. But, somehow, peace slowly seeped in and invaded my brokenness. I felt absorbed into a state of bliss.

I was alone and I enjoyed it. I could swallow, and sit, and look, and let it be known that I was still, in fact, very much alive. Not well, but alive.

The sweet bliss stayed. I existed for months in a state of pure grace, and I recognized that my Creator had been the one behind it all. Why my suffering? Why my sickness? Why my nastiness? I can’t fathom why it was done, but I feel safe once again. After so much time, I can accept, I can trust, and I can feel safe within His embrace that I now feel every day.

(4 years of The Dark Night of the Soul)