Writings

September 30, 2024

When I ask myself, “what have I done to offend You”? I should remember I have not offended. I am a seeker. I have questioned my existence. I have doubted humanity. I have sought answers from the Divine from very early on.

I am questioning again in my loss of faith in humanity. My soul feels dead and confused. I need His help at this time, no one else will do. I am avoiding the madness inside of me.

This isn’t God lashing out in anger. This is not a judgement. This is a terrible cleansing in answer to my prayers.

September 28, 2024

My anger returned. My judgement ensued. I did not lose my grasp on reality, but felt solely responsible for the disconnect between myself and the rest of human-kind.

It didn’t terrify me.

Now I feel His Light and complete comfort again. It, settled deep within me. Perhaps this was another purging.

I only want to be back here in this space of stillness and utter peace.

I am reminded again that I have lost the will to fight.

September 25, 2024

I feel His Light within me and it terrifies me. Will I ever be the same?

I fear for my sense of self. I fear for my intellect. I fear for my grounded-ness to all things mundane.

I fear those closest to me that will take me away from this Light. I fear The Dark Night once again.

I am very very calm… I don’t feel itchy to move. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to connect to others. I don’t want to think. I want to be still.

I feel euphoric. My head is somewhat dizzy. I wish I could feel this way always. I feel solely connected to His Light.

I don’t want to be the same.

I don’t want to die… I just don’t want to be here anymore.