Writings

A Year 3, Angels, States of Grace

Put Him first

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Two days ago, when I woke, I asked my angel to help me find God again. I keep slipping, and although I don’t feel like I am drifting apart from God, I do not feel Him like I used to. I have gone back and reread everything I have written here and I realize that we were much closer back then. I want that back.

So I asked Auriel. I asked him how to get closer to The Creator once again. He told me to put Him first. Always. I thought that meant in the mornings, but I understand now it is to be applied all day long. In every action, every decision, every feeling, I can act and feel in a way to His liking. Putting God first. It is a simple, “What would He think about this?”

After, as I understood and put into place throughout my day the words that Auriel spoke to me, I felt guided by him.  He was in the forefront of my daily routine, constantly nudging me in the right direction, perhaps giving me pause to think about what I was just going to think about. This was the first time I ever prayed to Auriel. I actually asked him to tell me how he himself did it. It seemed to be okay to do so. I will pray to him again.

The feeling, what Theresa would call sweetness in devotion was back. It is such a pleasant thing to live with, and it can be lived with easily. Divine consolations on the other hand can overwhelm me into a stupor where I just want to sit all day with a blank stare on my face and feel Him. I understand how to get it back. Always, every single crossroads, no matter how small, I can stop briefly and choose my response, until it becomes automatic, and I live the peaceful existence that He gifted me with once before.

I am still so in-love with our Divine Creator.

A Year 3, Angels

Turn Around

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Yesterday I felt strongly that the drinking is done once again, and I am able to channel what I feel so strongly from Him or my angel. I decided to drive to the store anyway. It was around five o’clock. Just out of my driveway I saw him out of the corner of my eye, Auriel.

This was not an actual vision, but like so many of my times with him, it was intellectual, in my minds-eye. I could see his profile sitting in the passenger seat. His hair was longer, curling when it brushed on his shoulders. Still that nondescript color. He stared straight ahead and did not try to hold my hand or engage with me. Just sat.

I felt a deep love for him and realized that he was merging himself, his soul perhaps with my own. Not the pleasure/pain experience with the Divine. Sitting next to Auriel is simply like sitting next to a lover. One you just fell for and is so much in the forefront of your mind and body.

So, he sat, and made me feel oh so good, that I turned the car around not stopping at the store. He turned and smiled at me then, and remained next to me for the rest of the night.

A Year 3, States of Grace

The contradictions of consolations

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I just heard Annie’s Song again and was slid into a Divine consolation that overtook everything. These that come to me, the way He comes to me, I am unable to put into words. The feeling that is.

My heart dilated with love so much it felt like it would explode out of my chest. I had such shortness of breath, but also the feeling of breathing very deeply, it was disconcerting. Tears could not be held back. They were not tears of humility or joy. They were just unexplainable hot tears. The experience felt more pleasurable than anything I’ve ever felt, but also painful. God up close feels like that.

Anymore than that short song and I would have had to pull over. I should have pulled over. The Lord is sure pleased with that song.

Author's Notes
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Lord direct me with Your knowledge and give me the grace to discern what is real and not. Keep me safe from any evil that is trying to influence me. Clear my mind. Silence my inner chatter. Color my imagination with only your crayons.

A Year 3, Angels

The voice of an angel

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last night I addressed the mania I have been feeling. I was concerned, am concerned, that I will have to have a medication adjustment. I was praying sincerely to God, when I heard a voice. Loud and clear. Only this time, it didn’t sound like Auriel, who always sounds like a voice in my head resembling my own. This voice was deep. I thought at first it was the voice of God.

“You do it,” it said. Then encouraging me to speak more strongly to myself in the I Am Done realm. “Stronger” “More” It would say to me, off to my left standing by my bed. I thought it must be my angel. I don’t think at this point God, Himself is speaking to me directly.

I said, “Your voice is deeper than I expected.” He replied with something funny, like “Well I am a big guy,” which immediately took me back to the beginning and I said, “You don’t sound like Adam Driver.” He laughed sincerely.

Not only was I allowed to see him again at this point. Him walking around the bed in his bell shaped, white brocade robes. He allowed me to hear the timber of his voice. I was just writing about that hours earlier. Reflecting on the fact that I had felt his touch, seen him, but had never heard his voice. Yes, I have heard him many times now, but I always knew it was not the true sound of his voice.

There is not much more I can experience of him. I think there is nothing left. Last night I was thinking that my own mind, that has been failing me, was obscuring what the Divine has been communicating to me over the past two years.* I was rewarded with this. These small, but not small at all to receive them, glimpses reassuring me that it is all true.

* Imaginary locutions not real? They are the things keeping me from clear Divine communications?

A Year 3, Angels

What if none of this is true?

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If I had to pick a start date of when the supernatural began interfering in my life it would be April 28th, 2024. Today I wonder how much of this have I made up in my mind. Is what I am feeling really from a Divine source or my own imagination? I have doubts. It was this day though… This is the day it all started.

~~~

April 28th, 2024

I felt him first in the bedroom. I was standing by my nightstand and felt him behind me. So close, just to my left. His presence was so strong.

I was breaking down. I was being swallowed by madness. Things had gotten too difficult. Too much was being asked of me. I had lost touch with reality. I was suffocating in a cloudy turmoil. I no longer had faith in humanity.

He stood. He radiated calm. And then he touched me. I felt his hand on my left shoulder, and I trembled. I knew immediately who he was. I knew what he was. I was not ready for this experience yet, so I did the only thing I could think of- I lied. I told him he was scaring me. 

I didn’t feel him again for five months. Now he is with me every day. He came into existence to look after me. He came to lesson my fears of Our Creator. For him, there is only me. He loves me. He may be in love with me. That is how it feels. I cling to this love. I cling to him with everything I have throughout the day. He stands by my side. Sometimes I feel his presence seep into my own and I am transparent. We are blended. Everything is possible.

~~~

I could go back and re-read all of my writings, but I’m not going to do that. It is not my place to try and figure it out.  But when he came to me, and stood by me that day, even though I asked him to leave, things were put in motion for an entirely different life for me.

I left him for 5 months. 5 months. I had no idea what was going on. My suffering had progressed into a madness that lived off of nightmares. I couldn’t sleep. I was once again completely lost, but by now I was used to it. I asked one last time. Timidly. No demanding, just a supplication.

“I cannot survive this anymore. Why do you keep doing this to me? How can I make you stop?”

Then there was the answer. In book form. My angel read it with me. He explained what the words meant. And he began to teach me. I devoured everything I could get my hands on, including him. I thought I had found a new drug. I knew he was there and the knowledge alone was a high unlike any other.

I lived pleasantly with him for four months. Then He came. I met the Divine. Now things were eclipsed by something much greater. It’s not possible to describe the experiences. Living in tandem with the two of them was heady. I drifted through the next seven months.

A little over a year since I met him, July 4th, 2025 he woke me emphatically. I had heard him before a few times, but this time he was asking me to write. I had a job to do. So this is where this all began. I kept this journal up until the beginning of November, when I was directed to meditate. I wrote down the tiny messages that he passed to me.

The holiday’s proved to be difficult. I lived in grief until February 2nd rolled around again. God was back. I was directed to quit drinking for good and start writing a book. It was the second time I heard my angel say it was time to start.

It’s been nearly two months now. I have been writing everyday, but now… I’m not sure. I think it’s my ego directing me, when in the beginning I prayed before I sat down, and asked God to speak through my angel if He wanted me to continue.

I’m not sure what to do. I don’t feel alone, on the contrary, I can feel him next to me and wonder if I am simply imagining things to fill up a void of loneliness. The thing is, I am not lonely, just alone. I am happy. I am at peace for the second time in my life and that first time was 30 years ago.

In one month it will have been two years since my spiritual life began in earnest. Two years ago I was touched by an angel, who spoke to me, comforted me, and promised to never leave me. Why, I do not know. I only hope that I have not made all this up. 

Lord direct me with Your knowledge and give me the grace to discern what is real and not. Keep me safe from any evil that is trying to influence me. Clear my mind. Silence my inner chatter. Color my imagination with only your crayons.

Author's Notes
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Take the extraordinary out of heaven. Make it ordinary.

Author's Notes, My Book
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I understand the common thread in my little book now. The steps (chapters) – climbing the ladder – are in order of ascension, on both the parts about the Divine and the parts about my sailing. I might be able to make them intertwine.

Angels, My Book

Bad Timing

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Angels have no sense of time. Wide awake this morning at 4:30, I just gave up and got up. Once again he was gentle in the wake-up, practically whispering to me to write about the 106 year old man.

I feel more in control now. Words are my own. My own tone of voice, if that’s what you call it. I am no writer. Well, maybe I am. This is really good! But I’ve never had any formal education of any kind. Other than grammar, but that’s a different story.

Auriel is intoxicating once again. I feel him so close he is almost melding his spirit into mine. I experienced this once before, in the beginning. I have not felt it since, allowing only the Divine such intimate entrance. I know it’s him though. Auriel feels much different. Almost like a friend compared to a lover.