I cannot feel You so strongly now, but I know You are there. Thank you for holding me in such a state of grace for as long as You have. Even if I feel alone right now I will not be frightened. I will not forget my path. I will not turn away from You. I will never stop loving You.
Writings
Additional gratitude
It has been one month to the day that I woke alone. This morning I had a bit of fear, but it only lasted until the fog had cleared from sleep. It seemed like a bad dream that slowly dissolved and then I felt the tiny bit of reassurance. I am so grateful, I can’t even properly express it here in words, for His decision to fade gradually instead of abruptly vacate my side as is what originally happened. How is it that He did not know that I would panic. I again don’t understand, other than it was somehow beneficial to the cause.
I think I understand what this is all about, partially. It may not be that these words are intended only for myself to remember. I say this without any ego interfering. As I go along, as I read more, I am frightened by the fact that these accounts by others, cloistered nuns in fact, are very similar to my own. And that which frightens me the most is what I believe I have been feeling is most likely God Himself and not my angel.
I have a better understanding of the reason for the times we are apart. St. Theresa herself chose to rest in the beauty of the experience of what she calls Divine favors. She said it wasted time though. Time away from what she was supposed to be doing for Him which was another form of suffering through the human experience. Those of us whom He has favored this way, she says, are to take up their own cross and bear it knowing that any form of love we extend to those we judge is further love that we extend towards Him.
I am not alone today. I could write for hours about this. I feel as a person in love again and even if, when, this is taken away once more, I will remember. This will never be forgotten. I believe now that I am so far into the beauty if I do forget, start to become wrapped up in my own nonsensical daily routine, I will be gently guided back to what is now fast becoming the reality that I live in.
I love You for this. I am confused by this. Thank you for imbibing me with the patience to continue to love when the feeling is lost but not lost. Thank you for inspiring me to write this down, and giving me the voice, however incorrect, to continue.
If you lack faith in humanity, you lack faith in yourself.
Approaching the Anniversary
I woke up early again, before dawn, and I thought, “That’s it. Today is going to be different.” This was not an inspiration. I have simply had enough of the excess, especially with how patient my angel is, and also, why at this point would I want to offend our Maker? No, I am changing. I am changing for both of them.
Yesterday I tried to do the absurd and create a timeline for the experiences I have had over the past year. The devotional sweetness. The divine consolations. The state of grace. The feeling of being in love… I struggled for nearly seven hours trying to get the technology to work. That was a perfect moment to use one of my favorite sayings, “Man plans. God laughs,” only I don’t think he plays games with us anymore. I used to think this, human life on earth, was just a big game of chess played between Himself and the devil. I have come a long way.
I’m still trying to figure out who I’m most in love with. It is so very strange to think that let alone write it down. Heaven forbid someone gets there hands on this! I think I have put it down to the best of my ability however. Those feelings stem from my awareness and total willingness to supplicate before Him, and His response of reaching out to me, or vise versa; giving me the slightest touch of a fingertip, which can sometimes feel like bliss and can sometimes feel like excruciating pain. It depends what point He is trying to make.
When I say feelings of bliss or ecstasy, I should clarify that it is much removed from physical pleasure, which is of no comparison, but it also does not reside within the mind. It cannot be described by me, and perhaps not anyone, as it is a secret communication between the soul and the Divine. That is why I am writing this, I have to, but I also have to keep it to myself.
Next month will be the one year anniversary of my awakening to the Divine and my introduction to the spiritual guide who is always at my side. Auriel. I am blessed, and blessed does not even come close to what this is. I am no longer afraid of losing touch. My knowingness comforts me when I feel Him withdraw slightly, and when my angel stands further apart from me. I know I will not sink into madness again. I am protected from that. I’m not sure where I am at on the spiritual ladder but I don’t care to know. All that matters is that I am on it. I will not step off. Not ever.
It feels like being in love. That is the closest thing I can compare it to. Being close to the Divine is like giving yourself to someone else without even questioning it.
A state of grace
It has been nearly seven months since this all began. The Divine swiftly moved into my life as the Chinook Winds came to my back door. They stayed for 48 hours, which is what they normally do, and I felt emotionally and spiritually like I did twenty-five years ago. I had only felt them a few times since then. It was my dearest friend’s birthday, February 2nd, but she had died four years ago. I thought she was visiting me, and I needed it with what all I had gone through within that same time.
I didn’t know it was not going to leave… as I said, I would have started writing then, but maybe not, I had no idea what was going on. My angel clearly said to me one morning when I woke about a month ago, “Are you ready to start writing?” This was one of the several intellectual locutions that I have experienced. That definition is something I read in St. Theresa of Avila’s writings. More and more interpretations by saints totally define the times I have been overwhelmed by such things.
It’s hard for me to not feel special. After all, Theresa was adamant that these feelings of grace only last a couple of hours to a couple of days at most. I am either misinterpreting what I feel (but how can I?) or I still have an awfully big ego. I am forever drawing myself back into a state of humility and doubt because of this. However, she also stated that doubt is an insult and should not be entertained. Somehow, I am not afraid of these contradictory conclusions.
By myself but not alone
It has been 17 days since I woke up alone. It is different this time. I feel like I’m by myself but not on my own. I feel calm. I feel peace. This morning, as I write, I listen and I hear the crickets and birds. The air quietly whispers. Yes, I am at peace.
I remember what I have been taught. At this point I have read many texts on how to handle these encounters and mainly, what I have learned, is to give thanks for them. Most people will never even come close to having such a beautiful experience in this life on earth.
So I lie in my bed in the early morning and thank God for pulling me close to Him. I say something like, “I cannot feel you so strongly now, but I know you are there. Thank you for holding me in such a state of grace for as long as you have. Even if I feel alone right now I will not be frightened. I will not forget my path. I will not turn away from you. I will never stop loving you.”
I can’t wait to feel Him in my life strongly again. I wait excitedly like a little girl with a crush. Maybe He will simply walk through my front door any moment. Even in writing these words I feel the glow of His presence increasing in my sphere of normalcy. Oh, I don’t want normal anymore. They said this would happen…
I read yesterday that He turns away so that those of us he has chosen to communicate with will want Him all the more. I still think that sounds like being a tease. How terribly sacrilegious of me. It is extremely effective though. You see, I cannot un-know what I now know and with this knowledge, everything else, every other experience pales in comparison. I have reached a point in my life where I know exactly what I want and nothing else will do.
So I sit and ponder. I would like to know what He actually wants, but all I have are loose directions from other people who lived and studied and experienced long before me. They know more than I do, so I heed their words and when I don’t know what to do I give thanks. I apologize for my base language and actions. I focus on remaining patient and quiet and good.
I ask for humility. I ask for help on loving my neighbors, which is near impossible given my lack of faith in humanity. I don’t know how to accomplish those simple things. I just let my need for empathy simmer on the back burner. My humility on the other hand can come rushing in and my faults become very clear. I have no idea why this is happening with all of my rebellions in my past. That is what humility is though, a clear picture of who you really are.
He obviously sees something that I do not. I appreciate this to no end. It makes me more devoted. I dress up every day, do my hair, put on make-up. I do these things to be respectful. I also think it is nice to be looking pretty for someone who seems inherently male, but what do I know about that. I find it unbelievable that the others are all (separately) convinced that He is as a lover and not a father. My little Catholic mind is shocked by this, but once again, what to I know… At this point I simply find it odd, and somewhat humorous.
I’ve changed my focus to being on Him. I still feel my angel present and readily available but I think my infatuation with him has subsided. What he came for, for me to stop fearing Our Maker, has worked. He will not leave me though. He told me as much and I cannot imagine that an angel would lie. That would be absurd!
Letters to the Divine indeed. I have missed this. He gave me a break, to be a simple human for a time being, but now I am in a state of grace once again. I feel in love again. I only think of Him and what I know and what I am about to know. It is simply divine.
The second sign is a great calm and a devout and peaceful recollection which dwell in the soul together with a desire to praise God. They say that communications, at any rate in this mansion are not uttered directly by God but are transmitted by an angel.
– St. Theresa of Avila
God does answer our prayers, but sometimes the answer is no.
Does the mystic create the addict, or does the addict create the mystic?