I have come to realize that most of the things I have to say out loud are extremely negative, sometimes hostile, and overall judgmental. I can stop, but it’s hard. This must be what people call not having a filter. Could it be that I never had one? No, when I was younger I was downright shy. Painfully shy. When I was older I was considered mysterious, which only made the shyness worse because people wouldn’t leave me alone for trying to figure me out.
These things have gotten me started thinking on my overall development as a human being. How I was taken out of Catholic school and placed in a minor hell where everyone judged me and picked on me and robbed me of my self-esteem. I was totally lost, and because I was teased for merely believing in God, I pushed Him aside. Perhaps He was heartbroken, because it took me ten years to turn back to Him. This time also in a great trauma.
When I think about the number of times when I loved Him, when I was solely devoted to living under the rule of the Divine, there were not that many. As a child I was raised Catholic, and let me just say that does not ever leave you, but I was living a peaceful and meaningful existence. I did not like the church however, and the priests and nuns did not like me. I asked too many questions, and although I am sure I was not the first, I was the most persistent. Most of the others, they just followed. No questions asked.
What was it for me then that has led to this now? I was not by any means a part of the common world either. I existed somewhere in-between. A misfit. I was aware of those things that lived behind the veil, and communicated to them on occasion. I was not afraid of the existence of this other life, this other plane, I just felt separated. This makes sense to me now. I can understand why I am back here. Perhaps I have always been here. I wish I never left.
There is a common denominator. When I fell, for lack of a better word, it was a choice. The others, being so cruel to me, I decided to punish on my own terms. I found the darkest and scariest way to manipulate them into fearing me and leaving me alone for good. It worked. It worked too good. I fell. I was taken over by darkness. I was tempted. I succumbed to things that would try to kill me and nearly did.
Then He was there. Pulling me back from it all. I turned away again, turned back, turned away, turned back. Each and every time, I have to say, I have not, what you would say grown stronger at the soul level, instead I came to hate humanity all the more, each time. I never thought of these things as choices, but people f*c%ing me over. I couldn’t believe I had ever deserved such things and I still do not. The only thing I can think of as my own choice is to not remember God, his grace, and to simply follow my own ideas, which I know very well now only lead to the devil himself. This does explain that when I have felt “the devil on my back,” I have. Absolutely.
This past time, from 2020-2024, was by far the worst. I not only came close to death but to madness which is way more scary. Your mind turning against you. What could be worse? You can be alive but under the control of others during a lost and confusing state that may or may not continue to exist. It is the worst thing imaginable.
I will not leave Him again, whether out of fear or love, I am done with the cycle. I am too old for that now. It has taken me too long to get here, and I have also wasted too much time.
It is raining again. A thunderstorm to be exact. As I have said, it never rains here. I know He is listening. I know my angel is about to be in tears, he loves me after all. However, this time he will be shedding tears of solace, and gratitude, and perhaps a feeling of peace in himself for succeeding one more time in his job of helping me to know our Creator, personally, spiritually, lovingly and strongly.