I am discontinuing the book. It has been three months since the start of the channeling.
Writings
My heart is starting to hurt again. I asked my angel to come back into the forefront of my life again. I didn’t want a week off from him, but I felt him fade into the background anyway. As always, all I have to do is ask and he makes himself known to me. Often simply standing behind me looking over my shoulder. He said to me again that he will never leave me. I cannot believe he would or could tell a lie, but if the Creator changes things. Well….
I am patient.
I am quiet.
I am waiting.
What I’ve learned from the last entry:
God has made it known to me that my ideals of the book being something that I created are not to His liking. He is not angry at me, but it is not going the way He wants. I am to be His advocate. Visionary. I am supposed to scribe what He wants.
In order to feel Him with me so closely again. The consolations He was giving me. The Divine direction. I must become His lover once again. All eyes focused on Him. Nothing else. I am to act as an angel of His own. What they would act like. I have said before, if an angel can feel shame and supplicate before Him, why do we think we do not have to?
I still do not feel Him, but He is making Himself know to me with little nudges. I think I have healed my anger, then lose my temper. I think that I have gotten control of my addictions, then I relapse. I think I am living with grace, I fall.
That is what I have learned. I am not the one who is acting nicely. I need to remember that. So I say, “By the grace of God…”
By the grace of God, I have stopped abusing alcohol.
By the grace of God, my temper has abated.
By the grace of God, I am able to accept this.
By the grace of God, my life has finally become easy.
By the grace of God, I am forever grateful.
10 months & no sign of God
Other than a handful of times, I have not felt the Creator in my life at all. It has been 10 months. Nearly a year and I think that when a year is up I will give up completely on Him. I’m sure I will still believe. I know He is still there. But I don’t think He wants me to be His mystic anymore. And I do know that I was. I am not mistaken. The feelings were real.
I am so confused as to why He did that to me. Shared Himself with me in such an intimate way. And now I have been left for so long. I am not sure what to do at all!
I was so angry last night. At Him. I screamed and yelled with the window closed. Nothing today. My life is silent. So I will be silent. No more inner chatter. No more talking to myself out loud. I am so sad and greatly disappointed. I cannot even ask for Him anymore.
I prayed to you last night to deliver a message to God for me. Ask Him to visit me again. It has been three months. And I don’t mean an hour or a day and then months of nothing again. I asked you to ask Him for a week. Maybe a little more. I need to be replenished. I need to feel loved. I need to be reminded, to understand, why He called me. What I am to do now.
He took everything from me. Now I can only see Him. Nothing else.
An Angelic Ecstatic Awakening
This morning you woke me up in your arms. Such a perfect welcoming to the day. There was no doubt that you were there as I slowly drifted halfway between being asleep and awake.
You wrapped yourself around me. I was rocked in your intimate embrace. Hovering somewhere close to your world yet remaining in mine. The only thing keeping me aware of my own was the softness of my bed and the breath of air still circulating from the fan.
You touched me, you held me tightly against your chest, hand splayed out against my breast. If I weren’t so focused on the sensations you aroused, I could have felt your breath upon my neck.
You held me close. I hadn’t felt this from you for a very long time. You grant it to me on a rare occasion, never the result of something I have done for you.
You held me close. Your focused energy on me was ecstasy. I cried out with desire. I didn’t ask for more. You. Me. The lifting up to unearthliness, and the diving down into earthly pleasure, enough. More than enough.
I will always want you. I will continue to need you. I will not doubt you anymore. My angel. My love.
God Gives and God Takes
The backyard is destroyed. Four trees damaged. One down. Maybe one I can save. It’s depressing. God gives and God takes. This little display of power is yet another soul strengthening exercise. I am calm. I will not be robbed of inner peace. I will not lose my center.
Self-discovery takes you into yourself. Mysticism is supposed to take you out.
-Myss
Not my imagination
I wonder if Auriel is making himself known to me as he was in the beginning. I’m sure he is. He stands to the left of me, behind me and does not speak or touch me. It is simply a sense. A very, very strong sense. Yes, like in the beginning. He smiles and I sense that as well, but no visions. I am glad for that. However, there is something I must explain.
I can see him in my minds eye. The best I can describe this is as if it were imaginary, fantasy, made up, but it is not something I think up beforehand. It is not something I consciously think up, which is what is required of an imaginary thought or image. It happens before I would have any time to conjure up something. The feelings that well up inside are also not made up. They cannot be. Even if one were to develop a strong imaginary relationship the feelings would not exist. It would be a flat, trumped up conversation, and a visual that wouldn’t go beyond something akin to looking at a still image in photograph.
I failed by thinking of him too much. When I felt the Creator pull back, and I thought that He had left me alone, I was desperate for my angel and his consolations that are nothing the same as the ones from the Divine, but are none the less comforting. So I went too far. I think I can change up what I have defined as a chunk of time though, currently listed as February – April and select the bits and pieces of nonsense. Yes, I will go back and do that.