Writings

Angels

The Angel & the Mystic

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Auriel is with me today and I feel asking me to not ask him to leave. If I allow this, our relationship to resume, I will no longer allow conversational discourse. I have always known him to be real when he speaks to me with one or two words. Never more than three. The other knowing is the strong sense of his presence. He is so calming, and right now he is near my left shoulder, looking over it at what I am typing and laughing. He loves when I write about him, indeed, inspiring me to write at great lengths at times. He wants me to draw his portrait. Honestly, I don’t think I could do him justice so I don’t, though I probably will someday relent to his insistence and do it. Perhaps he want’s to see himself as I do, appearing differently to himself in my bedroom mirror.

Now that I am reading the life of Padre Pio I have a great deal more information on angels and how to interact with them. They are there to be noticed and having a relationship with them is a good thing. This relationship does not interfere with the one we have with the Creator. It may in fact enhance it. Part of my recent understanding of this is that they were created in Divinity. They are an extension of it. They are not born with sin and the forever temptations of the evil one. I don’t know, maybe they can be tempted. I don’t believe they easily fall though. They would not want to.

I am also interested if not only they deliver messages to us from God, but from us to Him. Another thing I am thinking, but it doesn’t seem like they would have to. However, it is becoming clear to me that they are. They also pray for us. Mine must be awfully busy because I still refuse to pray for myself. I only give thanks. This is not said out of some sort of martyr-like arrogance, but shame. I was an angry, nasty person when God made Himself known to me. He lifted me up to a place so high, out of this world, away from all of the untruths, and into an utter state of bliss. That is the closest word I can call it in the human tongue. I now believe He is pleased with me if only I try to rid myself of my despicable anger and untruths.

He made me suffer though. Another thing I am very unclear about. Did I fall? Did the evil one finally get to me? Did God simply allow this to see how far I would go, or did he create the scenario Himself? Did He cause the suffering for some reason. Was this His way of getting me back. He does not give me the answer on this. I do not ask. I do not ask Him anything anymore. I only speak to him when my mind is clear. With total reverence and respect.

Our relationship has come to this. I am delighted that I can hold my center with Him. I understand that the soul suffers now when living in a state of untruth. Any one of our souls. We are living in a world of suffering and I fear we will not recover. Unless the second coming is real and this entire world is reset by Him. Maybe that will be the case.

I drew the Mystic card today, the Angel first however. I had asked Auriel what today would be about. What I should reflect upon, and as I see it always, pulling the angel card, that is him revealing himself. It’s cute. He is smiling, snickering at me. So I asked him what he wanted to communicate with me today and I got the Mystic. That is how I knew I would be writing again today. About him of course. About recanting my story that I imagined him.

I know that I crossed a line into my own world in my head. This is also when I was drinking a lot. The main reason I want to stop is because of this. It is possibly the only reason- the evil one gets in when I am in a weakened state of inebriation. I believe this is the case for anyone. Yes, this is the only reason, so when I am still allowing it into my life without going overboard, God does not pull back too much.

I have not succeeded in remaining sober, but I also have not abused the drink. I pray every night, on my knees, at the foot of my bed. Now I know why people hang crucifixes over the head of their bed, so as to look upon The Savior while praying. I still do not recognize myself as a Christian, but by no means discount who He was. I still try to wrap my head around all that He was here for. Even being raised in the Catholic church I don’t understand that one. I never did.

I feel our Lord strongly in my life today. Not an overwhelming consolation, but the sweetness it is so pleasant to live with. I truly understand now why the saints asked Him for no consolations. Not that they are terrifying as much as pleasant, which they can be, but that in basking in that glow- it is so blissful, so fulfilling, so out of this earthly realm, completely, that honestly, one would never get anything done at all. And in becoming addicted to that condition, that overwhelming feeling, it would likely only result in any other addiction once it left. This has so far been the case for me.

In limiting the feelings of totally being in-love, we can live out our lives safely, able to rely on ourselves when we forget to rely on Him. It’s like a back-up plan. Maybe we can simply remain more steady, on solid ground. I had the inspiration the other day and wrote it down. “God listens to me because I listen to Him.” no explanation needed. Not a judgement. Just balance.

Angels

Auriel

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As I waited in the emergency vet hospital yesterday, for bad news, I felt Auriel sitting beside me. I did not ask him to come. He simply showed up. Immediately thinking that he was back as an imaginary being, I told him this. He reached out and touched my side. I can feel those intimate gestures.

He asked me to think about other times I imagined someone in my life, living next to me, that was not there. Did I feel them? Did they make me feel the peace and overall intoxicating grace he bestows upon me? Did they make me feel? No. They did not.

I feel him standing behind me again just at the back of my left shoulder. It is so hard to discern the fine line between the real and the made up. Ironically, the real in this case is the supernatural.

I know one thing. If I doubt him, I lose the feeling of closeness to the Divine. I feel alone, not without God, but without him, and this feels different. I live less in a state of wellbeing so to speak. Why then does it matter if he resides in my imagination or not? Why not continue?

I read today in Padre Pio’s biography that he would ask an angel to pray for Jesus in order to tell if they were Divine or coming from the devil. This goes along with Auriel saying to me that I would know if he was not himself, because I would not feel this state of grace, but rather a feeling of confusion and doubt. I would know.

Once again, I have had the experience and then I read about it later, from saints no less. This does not by any means represent myself. I will never be any type of saint. I don’t want to be. But the confirmations are really unreal. I cannot speak to anyone about this but I know. Deep down on the soul level I understand.

Padre Pio also had direct communications with his guardian angel and what I read today was about his demanding him for answers and the angel laughing. He kept on saying, “You’re laughing!” Now that was a crazy little thing. Auriel laughs all of the time, the impish smile on his face. He even laughs when I speak about his laughter! I believe that this is a way to tell me that living with God is not to be feared. It can also be lighthearted and not so serious as I make it out to be. Granted, I did start all of this on a very dark note.

I am tentatively reaching out to him. I love him after all, and I still feel the love for me radiating off him. Why not enjoy this? Am I being given a gift from God? If so, I should not squander it. That would be most disrespectful indeed.

Times of Aridity

The breast is withdrawn from the babe

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I understand clearly now why God leaves us alone. I hope it is for just a little while longer for me. I have been on my own for seven months now. But I at least understand why. Now I understand.

It is like Theresa said, and John, that He will remove Himself like removing the breast from an infant’s mouth, otherwise she would never learn to live on her own, fend for herself. This strength, also referred to by the saints as soul stamina, is the only way to make us feel safe against the darkness that will continue to pummel us as we climb the ladder further. Not that He would abandon us, or command our angel to leave our side, but in learning how to stand on our own, we also acknowledge this gift to us.

We are able to handle more and more hardship as the time increases. Our faith strengthens. This is the goal. This is why it is said repeatedly that when God withdraws his sweetness and consolations he is showing His love for us even more. It is a signal of more and more commitment to us. We know, actually know, that He is still there, and He will answer our prayers if we ask. It is enough to realize that He is simply there though.

Reflecting back on my troubles, I see how He has erased most of them. As I have grown in spirit I have grown in faith. I feel Him smiling down at me. I can hold my center. I can forgive and reach out. I can take on burdens because I know now to simply hand them over. With thanks. In prayer. I forget my suffering and let the world fade as I step up another rung. Oh how tall must this ladder be…

 

Author's Notes
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The soul suffers when it has to hold untruths.

Author's Notes
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God listens to me because I listen to Him.

Letters to The Divine
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Lord forgive me. Understand. I am only human, and my failings are great. I will always fail without you.

I remember. I don’t want to have to go through it again.
Please fill my heart with the knowledge of You. Fill my life with Your grace.

Lead me. I keep falling down. Please give me strength, or at least the courage to know my own weakness, so that I may turn it over to you.

Times of Aridity

The Big Book

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I don’t know what to say… I don’t know why I am sitting here at my desk after having woke at 4am. I started reading The Big Book. I understand some things. I remember. I don’t need to write anything actually. I merely need to sit with my head bowed. Yes, He was very close to me last year. I became arrogant. I felt special. I continued to drink. I continued to tie myself to this world. I don’t think He wanted that, but I will no longer speak for Him. Another terrible mistake.

I have been humbled today. I have been filled with anxiety. Not relying on Him. Trying to control my surroundings. My back almost gave out. I felt the twinge of sharp pain. Something based on nothing. It was probably His reminder. I should trust Him with my life. I should just trust Him period. I can’t believe most of what I have written here is false. Anything after August 1st should be deleted.

Times of Aridity

Honesty

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Yes I am quite certain that The Divine was consistently in my life from Sept 2024- July 2025. This I know. It is totally clear, and this, that I have written here documents it. I find it ok to be honest. This is ok, probably for the best. Hitting the reset button. The time from Aug 1st on, has been a time alone for the most part. I don’t know why, but who am I to think that He would be gifting me with divine consolations constantly for the rest of my life. Who the heck am I?

I am reflecting on the weakness and sickness and constant pain that I suffered in Michigan. Padre Pio’s story talks about it. He was consoled by others that pain is God’s way of proving His love for us. We should be comforted and happy about it. Something about being like His only Son. I don’t understand this concept At All!

 

Angels, Times of Aridity

Admission

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I am ready to admit to something that I have felt for a very long time… After July, when I knew for absolute certain that I was living with an angel, and that he was the one to inspire me or direct me while writing this journal, he left. July was an incredible experience. I felt singled out, like I was special. Who had an angel of God hanging out with them? That they knew of. That spoke with them. That they could feel. Yes, it was entrancing. He was intoxicating, but was it him? Maybe it was God Himself. I don’t know. What I do know is that it was so real no one could ever convince me otherwise. I am adamant about that.

What happened after though, I felt the sweet bliss fade…By the end of September I had gone two months without any feelings of grace. I knew then. I knew that time had come to an end, and a part of me couldn’t handle that. I was too hooked on the feeling I guess. I felt too special for God, or my angel to leave me. I should have just accepted that they did.

November he was back, but this is where it gets confusing. I felt my angel in the same room with me. The dining room. As I went to walk out, he stopped me. It was tangible, as those real times were before. I felt him stop me and force me to sit down and listen, which is what he said, “Listen.” I know he said that. I know he was there. When I hear one word clearly in my ear, said not in my mind but from another place in the room, I have zero uncertainty that it is him. But then, with the morning meditations, the imagination started filling in the blanks that developed over the past couple of months without him. Without God either.

I imagined what he looked like. Something that I most likely conjured up. I imagined he was with me always. I imagined he spoke to me continuously throughout the day. I spoke to him and thought I could hear his answers in a conversational way. Essentially, I had an imaginary friend. At age 50.

This continued, and has been the case since then. 5 months. Maybe I couldn’t take 5 months of loneliness. I feel today that I need to hit the reset button and that starts with some soul searching honesty. It’s embarrassing, my make believe, but the only one I have to be shamed in front of is God. That’s what happens anyway. We make fools of ourselves and He doesn’t laugh at us. He doesn’t scorn us. He simply starts from that place to move forward.

My imagination with Auriel (which is also a name I most likely made up, but I don’t know that. I did hear it spoken from across the room) led me to believe that I should start writing a book. Again, I’m just not sure about that. All I know is that I was directed to write about the 106 year old man after some time. It’s phenomenal writing. If only I could continue on that note. But how do I know that he was waking me up? I was already so involved with the made up version of him.

I have kept writing down here from time to time, “What if I’m wrong about all this?” There is certainty of what happened in the beginning, also on February 2nd, and the month of July… but then… I believe in all honesty, because I keep questioning, that what took place after my July writings with Auriel has not been real. There were a couple of times I know he was in my life, but only those few.

I need to be strong and not waver in this understanding, that this has been all made up by myself for over a half a year. I am chagrined. My admission, at this point makes me feel week, but that being the case allows for The Divine to flood in again. I am so embarrassed. They must know that this happens to humans though, both my angel and The Creator. I must clear my mind, ask God to silence my inner voice, and still my imagination. That way I can get back to Him. The one who I have been afraid of, which is why I made up a false relationship with an angel to begin with. My relationship is supposed to be with Him. He is so patient with me…

I can still believe in Auriel, even what I have made up that he looks like. I still know that he is there with me. He told me so, in the beginning, and these words I know to have come from the source and believe them. Conversations and visionary imaginings however I must put aside, draw back from, the confusion is only keeping me further away from The Divine. It is time I meet with Him personally, not through my angel. It is time…

 

Times of Aridity

Discontinuing the Book

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I have come to realize that the book, or what I arrogantly thought should become a book, was an unhealthy distraction. It felt like I was channeling, perhaps I was, but the letting go and stopping of drinking let a window wide open for another addiction to fill its place.

I felt manic, a feeling I hate, and that went on for the entire two months that I thought I must write this down. Publish it. My humility flew out the window with the wine. It crept in again.

I have been having a hard time getting back to meditation through reading. So today I picked up St. John of the Cross, where it explained how discursive prayer, or what St. Theresa would call “mental prayer” should be discontinued as a certain point. This is only done when three signs are met. 1. The sweetness and state of grace is no longer present. 2. The disinclination that the imagination wants to fix on extraneous things. 3. A person likes to remain alone in loving awareness of God, without needing any learning or knowledge of Him. This is when one moves into contemplation.

My first inclination was to think that I was there. Why I keep assuming that I have reached such a point, relating to any experiences right now, is a problem. He is still giving me the sweetness. I feel Him in my life. This is not a state of aridity, it is simply a time for me to act with humility, accept that I am still a terrible student, and return to prayer. I tell Him I am sorry for continuing to stray.

I also, maybe through this experience, have come to the conclusion that I need to stop focusing on my angel. He is not the end goal, and I am holding myself back with trying to conjure him and feel him through my imagination. That is all it is. Yes, I do believe he is there, but my imagination creates him most of the time. God is a being that I am fearful to approach, so I have only thought of Auriel. If that is even his name.

I am almost relieved that all I need to to is go back to what I have learned and what I know. I feel cocooned once again in a fluffy cloud of cotton that I used to feel. This is a feeling from The Divine. When it comes to Him I have no doubts in these experiences and feelings that He gives me. This is a place I am looking forward to getting back to. I was distracted for four months!

I felt back in November that these entries would change or discontinue. That did happen. It was not a good thing. But I am encouraged to feel that they needed to happen in order to move on to this next phase, which is not a step up, but also not a step back, just more knowingness as to how arrogant I am. More to learn and more to apply to my future prayer. I am still just a fledgeling.