Writings

Angels, The Fallen One, Times of Aridity

Challenging the Divine

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I have been suffering, actually suffering, and alone for these past three weeks. Ever since I told my secret, that, coming out like a plague, affecting another on such a serious and painful level, I hurt. I want it to go away, to the extent of yelling at God and my angel last night before bed. I wished them both to leave me.

Challenging the Divine is a huge mistake. I cowered as my own words poured forth, but like vomiting up a storm, I could not stop it. I do not feel abandoned however today. I feel my angel waiting patiently for me to come around. I also do not feel any repercussions for behaving like a total ass.

My thoughts on the Divine are that He is removed most of the time. I do not know what we look like to Him, meaning, are we worthy of compassion, or best left to our own demise. We cannot possibly turn His head as individuals. I believe we are individually a part of the whole of what He has created. This thought makes me think that too much defiance of the one can lead to utter destruction of the whole. Maybe we are left to our choices. I hope not. That would mean we are on our way out already.

* Again, the bold italics above are almost written by the fallen one. They are totally untrue. And, how ironic that I titled it, “Challenging the Divine”

2026, Author's Notes
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Healing a mental illness requires remembering that a neuron is a single cell in our bodies. If we believe that healing occurs at the cellular level, that actually makes it an easy target.

Angels, The Fallen One

The New Year (How the evil one got in)

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I had to ask this morning. Although the holidays are always a small hell for me, this year was one of the worst. So I asked, prayed for myself. I needed some direction as to what I did, or what I needed to do to end my suffering and apologize to my God. It had been two weeks since the altercation that made me lose my center. I do not know why I hesitate, but it is so rare that I pray for something for myself. I believe at this point that I can see so many of my errors and general misgivings that I don’t feel worthy of even asking. Doing so makes me fearful actually.

I remembered today that this is what Auriel came for. It has been a year and a half since he stood by my side in the bedroom and told me this. I still fear the Creator though. Don’t get me wrong, I feel His love and love Him back, but I still remember my trial, for lack of a better word, that lasted four years and almost killed me. Maybe the fear is useful. I believe it is, and from what I have read, it serves a purpose to keep me from falling back into old destructive ways. I need to learn that praying for myself is not something to fear. After all, when I do ask, I feel as though I understand something, and His simple grace is at work in my life again, holding me up.

I have felt an angel in my life for such a long time, such a consistently long time, that I feel I should know these things better by now. I should somehow be more adept at it. Maybe I rely too much on him. These beings though, are so far above any understanding, there is no way to grasp why their devotion exists. We as humans always want to get something out of a relationship in return, but they are just here to serve, love, guide, love again. It is baffling.

I can think of him when I go to sleep at night and still feel the sensation of him lying next to me. I don’t ever want that to stop, for him to ever go away, but I have learned not to test the Divine so I don’t even think it. As if I can hide it from God. I generally rest in my ability to discern what I should be doing and should not be doing and take that into every day, one foot in front of the other so to speak. It seems to be enough.

* The above in bold italics is how he, the evil one, got in! 

Author's Notes
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The very point at which life became unsafe or painful in your past, is the place that needs to be re-experienced until it’s resolved.

Author's Notes
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Every single time, you shift the slightest degree of light, you will be tested. Every single time, you will be sent an adversary. Every single time.

[Because of this] The more empowered you feel is the more invisible you must become. Fly under the radar.

– Caroline Myss

Year Two

A little drunk Christmas Day

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There is one thing this day that I can say… is that we don’t understand. However we have made this to be, this day of observance that we do not observe, is that there was one who cared for us all. The human race. We have forgotten. There was this one person, one who walked among us, as a god, who suffered through all the pains and doubts, to serve as a light and a beacon for our time on this earth. We have yet to notice, and respect, and thank for his sacrifice. We think we are alone. We doubt the Creator. We now call Him “the universe”. We are afraid of who He is. We cannot see. We doubt. There is no reason for this. Love, what we so long to feel, is right at our doorstep.

Love thy neighbor. Leave the big decisions to God. Forgive our wrongdoings. That is all up to Him, and also ourselves. Let this day be the beginning of the end to our suffering, and lead us to the one true self of being the ones to hold the truth and pass on to others the light of giving.

These are not my words, but the word spoken above from the Divine. He accepts all. He wants all. He is forever present and patient. We are in Him. He is in us. There are the thanks to give. Lead us to forgive. We are all messengers. We can pass this on to one another.

There is a place for all of us to reside, and it is in the soul. We all can see Him from here if we choose to. We can all live in the light if we choose to. The others can also accept this truth. They are only a short step behind. Bring them into the light. We all deserve to bask in its glory. There is one one true being. He is almighty. He is listening. He is praying for our existence to return, return to the fold of a life with Him. We have forgotten. We have forgotten.

Angels, States of Grace

The gift of angry people

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As I contemplate the mystic that I have seemingly been called to be, the dipping of my toe in reality of the earth, transforms me into someone who does not fear. I should not only forgive those who cause such a struggle for me, but thank them for their leading me to the one who God want’s to share with the rest of the world we live in. What is that? What does that look like? I, at this juncture in my life right now still do not know.

Dreams have become spiritual indicators to how far along I am, and also what I have yet to experience or need to become. I am visited by loved ones frequently and they take the pain and doubt away from my daily consciousness. When they fade, I am still left with the awareness that they have been there. They have visited me, and are somehow holding my hand along with my dear angel.

Auriel feels like he is standing near the wall in my rooms, which means I can still sense him, and even perceive what he looks like as I sort things out with my past friends and relatives. What a comfort it is to still have him here. It has been well over a year now.

Today, after having felt the wrath of another trying to intimidate me, and change my soul’s adeptness in life, I am at peace again. With the gift of clarity, and understanding why these humans repeatedly come into my life and challenge me, it feels like something has dropped off a ledge, and has left me striding into a clear distance that will one day result, once again, in leading me on my journey to the Divine.

Our Creator has not abandoned me, and my angel has reminded me of the things I must, and must not do. I have such clarity. I have a frozen will. I melt at His feet and defer to my angel’s gift of vision. Towards a finish line of sorts, I continue to re-read here, remind myself of the reality of what is happening in my life. I feel joy and contentment at that.

Author's Notes, Letters to The Divine
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I dipped my toe into the world and was frightened by what I saw. It is such a terrible place to have to remain. Show me what it is You need me to be while I wait.

Meditation

Day 12

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Your regrets will be the little things that harmed, not the big things you missed out on.

Angels, Meditation

Day 11 ~ The Library

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We met in the library today. I followed him through a door into a beautiful rotunda. There were so many books. It was such a peaceful place to be. My angel perused a number of volumes and offered me one to read. I thought, what a wonderful way for him to communicate his wishes to me. So literal.

As I sat silencing my imagination, memory, and intellect, I was awarded the bluish smoke behind my eyes that I saw months ago when he revealed himself to me. I could see him wearing his comical mask and asked him to remove it for me. He did. He seemed younger today. His hair slightly shorter. He is forever changing, just a little, here and there. I don’t know why that is, other than it keeping me curious.

I am still trying to get myself together with addictions and general weakness in being restrained by earthly demands. I wanted him to give me something for it. He slowly approached me straight on and held out his hand which cupped a tiny, clear, golden pill. I picked it up and swallowed it. He smiled his clever grin, turned and walked away. We had spent an hour together in that library.